Feeling Angry
So now my mood has switched to anger. Frustration and anger. My life isn’t how I want it to be and to get it to the way I want will take some astronomical maneuvers. And just the thought of what I have to do is wearing me down. I know I need to break it all down into little steps but that’s just so frustrating. Perhaps I’m just putting up road blocks, but to be honest … the little steps are exhausting and there’s even some financial issues involved that stop me.
I just wish I could close my eyes and open them again and have the living space I want. Have the car I want. Have the life I want.
I know practically everyone out there wishes they could do that. And I know it’s not a reality.
Anyway. Just the thought of all the steps, and the fact that I’m stuck here right now … it’s all making me angry. I sure hope I’m not feeling this way tomorrow. I guess some would say I’m responsible for my mood, but most times it doesn’t seem that way.
I hope I do a few things tomorrow so that I don’t feel like I wasted my weekend yet again this week. That all gets exhausting too.
I did my budget the other day … that’s probably adding to my anger. No matter how ya slice it, I’m living in poverty and that’s not going to change any time soon for a vast variety of reasons. I’m just coming out of my 2nd bankruptcy and due to health issues I can’t change my job right now. So … I’m stuck. I’m lucky in one way that I have a job but … I still feel kinda stuck.
Anyway. Anger, anger, anger. It’s not propelling me forward this time, it’s just making my heart beat faster and it’s making me breath heavier … and just making me really frustrated and anxious. Not pleasant.
And it’s 12:30 or something in the morning. I’ve been falling asleep around 5am lately … then getting up and going to work which for me starts at 11am. The weird sleeping and lack of sleep is not helping me I know.
Okay – that’s it for that bitching.
I just wanted to track my mood in hopes that it will help me in the long run. I actually think it will help me eventually.
Better Mood
My mood is a bit better today. I had a couple of great conversations with people at work – and I think just being out and interacting with people has help to lift my mood. Big surprise. I’ve known this for some time now – but when my mood is really down it’s hard to truly remember that bit of important info.
Anyway, I can still feel that “being stuck” feeling inside of me though, the one where I’m down. Very down. Not sure what it’s all about but I’m glad I had a good day and that I’m feeling better.
Avoinding
I’m back to avoiding again. Some progress and then … plunk. That’s my pattern.
I’m feeling pretty defeated right now. I think it’s important to make note of this because I’m wondering if my moods have a pattern as well. Maybe I’ve been misdiagnosed with depression – I don’t know.
It’s weird, it’s not just my mood it’s how I feel about myself. Right now I feel like I can’t do anything. Really down, defeated, useless, incapable of anything at all. The reality is I know that’s not true – but that’s how I feel. I worry that this mood will show through at work again tomorrow. My last ‘down mood’ got me into a little trouble at work the last time. Not real trouble, it just made things kind of complicated and now I’m hoping to avoid any further “complications”. But when my mood is like this it’s hard for me to fake things. So, I hope I can fake things and be all “up” when I go in tomorrow.
Anyway, that’s it. I’m feeling down. Defeated. Bogged down in this chaos. I’ll have to take note of when it starts to change again. I started my period yesterday, perhaps that’s a factor as well – although I was starting to feel this way a few days ago. Now it feels pretty set-in.
When I avoid stuff it’s like I’m huddled inside of myself scared to death of something. It’s weird. So I just curl up on the couch and avoid. I don’t even go on line. I just get lost in my thoughts, fantasies or the TV. Sometimes I don’t even eat, which is really unusual for me. It can last for hours – just smothered in my mind. It can actually last for days, but the sitting and not moving – just kind of being like a zombie goes on for 8 to 12 hours at a time. It’s like I’m on my couch terrified to move.
Well, it’s all worth making note of. Not sure where it’s all going. Not sure if I get like this when I start to progress because there’s a part of me that’s afraid of moving forward in a positive way … don’t know if that’s it or not.
The weekend is over. I did nothing. I feel bad. Sad. Disappointed in myself. I’m not looking forward to the week ahead. Wish I could just stay inside my head forever. Well – that’s how I feel right now.
Happy Thanksgiving
It’s Thanksgiving Monday today. I’m sitting here looking over my blog and wondering about what I’m thankful for. That’s a tough one for me. I’m feeling a little down today and perhaps a bit negative. But I am thankful for my family – they’re great and we’re all very close. They’re supportive and despite all my complaining they really are there for me. Why do I complain so darn much anyway? I think I do that because I’ve been hurt in the past and that’s my way of protecting myself. But ultimately, without my family I’d be in a far worse state than I am now and I am thankful for them and their ongoing support and love.
I’m thankful I have my own apartment, such as it is. I’m thankful I’m able to pay my rent monthly. Which also means I’m thankful for my job, eventhough I’ve complained about that before too – haha. Well, I’m thankful I have a place to complain – if I didn’t have this blog I’d be keeping all that stuff inside and if last year was any indication – keeping stuff inside is very bad for me.
I’m thankful I’ve made positive changes in my life this year, especially since April. So eventhough I’m sitting here kind of sad today, I know that this sadness is just a fleeting thing. It doesn’t define me – it’s just a mood that will pass. In the big scheme of things my life is getting on the right track and I’m thankful for that.
Watching Hoarders on TV
Okay, so I’ve seen this advertised many times on TLC but purposely avoided it for a variety of reasons. I didn’t want to see hoarding treated as entertainment, or see any mocking like I’ve seen on Oprah and other shows, especially those “clean-up” shows. The total lack of understanding on some shows is horrifying and damaging to me. I hate when these teams come in and clean a hoarders house – that’s really not helpful. That’s like coming in and taking away all the alcohol from an alcoholics house … like that’s helpful.
Anyway … I’m sitting here and enjoying the way they’re portraying this horrible disorder. I guess “enjoying” is not the right word, but I’m finding it respectful and I like that. And I like how they’re not showing a bunch of easy answers and quick fixes. As anyone who hoards knows … it’s a long, long process.
I’m also finding it a bit helpful. It’s stressful, but helpful. Of course I’m in a healthier place emotionally right now so watching this show isn’t harmful for me. I don’t think I could have watched it a few months ago. But things have changed for me since then … and continue to change.
I hope all the people in the show find help. My heart really goes out to them. I respect them so much for going public with something that I know must be very difficult for them to share.
Not sure I’ll watch more episodes, hard to believe it’s an ongoing series. I’m surprised how many of us are out there – that’s a bit comforting to know.
I haven’t posted here in a long time but that’s because I’m quite busy in my real life. Unlike last year when I stopped posting – that was because I was retreating into a very damaging place. I’m not doing that now. I’m out and about on a fairly regular basis which has been good for me. I’m going to my weekly meditation classes and finding it to be very helpful. I’m also doing some more volunteer work which has been enjoyable. I’m not over doing it – I know not to push myself. I’ve found a pretty good balance in that one part of my life and that’s nice! 
And something I haven’t done in years! Yes, years!
Oh sure, I still have lots and lots and lots of other areas in my life to organize, lol. But … baby steps. As I keep reminding myself. Baby steps.
Update: I just read my previous post, I had forgotten all about that. Wow. I need to give myself a little pat on the back because I end that post saying I was at a critical point. Well, obviously I took those words to heart because I have made significant changes. I still go online but not as much. As I just said in this post, I’m going to weekly meditation classes and doing lots more outside my apartment. Wow. I just surprised myself! LOL That feels pretty good! Just when I thought all these little baby steps weren’t getting me anywhere – here’s proof they are. And just one more reason why I blog about this stuff!
OnLine Addictions
Way back in 1999 when I got my first computer, and first logged on to the internet – I got addicted. I was staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning in a chat room. It was crazy. All the people I met in there were like my best friends. About 5 months later it all came crashing down. I thought I was lucky because I got out within a relatively short period of time. But it was an intense period of time for me and when it started to fizzle out I was really lost. I was hurt. It was very emotional. All those people meant a lot to me. They were real. I even thought I was in love at one point. Some of the people in the chat room met in real life, I never did which was probably a good thing because most of the stories I heard turned out less than expected. Peoples hopes were dashed and it ruined their online life. And in some cases even ruined their real lives.
Anyway, I unplugged just before Christmas 1999 and didn’t turn my computer on until 2005. But I’d only go on for email or to do searches once in a while. I tried online dating for a few months – but that didn’t work so I basically logged-of again.
Then in 2007 I started a blog. A fun blog, not this one – lol. It was quite popular but it got a bit overwhelming for a lot of different reasons, and ultimately I ended up feeling empty. Maybe I was still just looking for attention or something, or friendships – not sure. But it didn’t feel real anymore so I started this one which I don’t advertise anywhere and I don’t promote. It really is for me. I guess I could write all this in a book somewhere or on my computer and not post it … but I do post it and I do appreciate the feedback I get. But that’s not the main point of this blog. And I’m not addicted to this blog like I was with the other one, or like I was with the chat rooms.
But now I have facebook and it’s becoming a problem.
I first opened up a FB page under a fake name to get the hang of it. Then I opened one under my real name and have a few friends and family as “friends”, most of whom don’t live any where near me so it is a nice way to keep in touch. I do have a couple of friends I used to work with who live near by on there but to be honest, I’d prefer not to keep in touch with them. We keep saying we’re going for coffee but never do.
Since all the people on my real page don’t play the games or whatever, I created another fake page where I could play the games without any one knowing.
Why?
Well, I got addicted to all the games and didn’t want to have that on my real page where people could see. So like all good addicts I hid my addiction. I have 4 fake FB pages now. It’s getting a bit out of control to be honest. It’s kinda funny, but not really.
At first I told myself I was doing it to relax at the end of the night, and that’s true – that’s what I was doing. Then I found myself going to it during work and not getting stuff done. Next thing I was staying up until 4am playing games. I’m not interacting with anyone on there – just have lots of friends who are obviously also addicted to the games.
I don’t know what to do. I enjoy it and wish I could go back to using it like I did in the beginning. But now on a Monday night I realize that I wasted all weekend glued to the computer.
The last couple of weekends I went out, spent time with family and was busy. It felt nice. I didn’t want to go out at first because my apartment is a mess (of course) but I decided that I should stop punishing myself and go out and have fun. Which was a good decision. But then weeks went by and my apartment didn’t improve and now here I am in the middle of September stuck again. So rather than go out and have fun this weekend I stayed in behind closed curtains playing on FB. I didn’t even buy groceries. Just junk food. Now I’m broke because that stuff can be expensive. And I did that right after my last post where I said I spent money wisely, lol. I was doing really well with my grocery budget actually, but I’ve blown it now.
I don’t know what to do. I’m a bit unmotivated again. I know there will be a smoke detector inspection in the apartment sometime this month – that’s why I wanted to take last month to get things in order. I got started but never moved past the first few steps.
All of this wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t hate the way my life is right now. I want to have a bed, and a bedroom. I want to have a fridge with some food in it. I want to have a normal apartment!
I want, I want. But I never DO anything to get what I want.
Maybe if I post this and re-read it later it will motivate me – that’s worked for me in the past, so here’s hoping.
I really need to do something. It’s at a critical point now.
