Life for me continues to motor along.  No real set-backs, and more baby-steps forward.

I still haven’t tackled my kitchen … lol.  Now that I think about it that means I haven’t done a thing in there since April last year.  Well, I mean I clean the counter, sink, floor & fridge fairly regularly … but haven’t painted or sorted out the cupboards.

Then there’s the bedroom.  I have tidied it up a bit but for the most part I still sleep in the livingroom, which I keep tidy on a regular basis.  Wish I could say the same about the bathroom and laundry.  Those are 2 areas I really need to focus on, and soon.

More importantly, the hoarding is under control.  No more bringing things into the apartment.  And I throw things out on a regular basis.  Every once in a while I notice a few things piling up, and I get an anxious feeling about having to throw it out, but I do throw it out.  No more keeping the bags of garbage in my living space.  That’s a huge thing for me.  But it’s weird, because sometimes I miss all the layers of fake protection.  But … I know I’m better for it without having it around.

It’s tough!  And such a weird compulsion that I still never talk about it with anyone out here in my real life.  I can only do that here.

It’s good I still have this blog.  It’s like a timeline of my movement forward in life.  And right now I can see I’m out of the darkest part.  It’s still a bit foggy at times, but there is some light.

The job and money situation is finally calmed down.  I’m being better about saving and the new job is less stressful and things are really good.

Then there’s the compulsive over-eating.  Hmm…that’s still a huge struggle.  I’m at the point now where I’m more aware of my feelings when I’m doing it, but it’s such a strong compulsion it’s been hard to change.

But … a new year, new opportunities.

Holiday times are hard for me because I don’t have my own family.  I have family but it’s siblings and their children & grandchildren.  I’m on my own.  I find that hard at times.

I basically drive home from family gatherings crying, alone in my car.  No one would ever know that’s what I do.  I actually think people would be shocked to know I’m feeling so alone and lonely.

I haven’t posted in a while.  I’ve been very busy out in the “real” world which is a good thing.  Work is going better, the boss actually made some significant changes that have been noticed by a lot of people.  It’s all for the better.  But there’s no pay raise for this year, which is a problem.  I’m falling behind.  I’m not in any more debt, but I just can’t get ahead.

I’ve met a lot of people, and developed a crush on one of them.  He doesn’t know I exist but it’s been a strange set of circumstances for me.  For one, it’s good to know that I’m still alive, but it’s sad to know that men aren’t really attracted to me.  It’s just making me feel more isolated even though I’m less isolated.  Kinda weird.

Anyway, I was just feeling a bit sad today and decided to write a post. Put it out there, help me think about it all.  I noticed my hoarding tendencies started to raise their ugly head again, so I gotta get that in order.  It’s not bad, I’m just more messy lately … but I know the signs and I don’t want to fall back into the world I was in a few years ago.

It is interesting though, how certain stressors in my life can trigger that kind of behaviour again.  It’s good I’m noticing it.

Maybe it’s just a good day to hibernate and feel sad.  Then get back to life tomorrow.

I guess what I’m saying is that this year, more than any other, made me realize how powerful baby steps can be.  With a baby step it can seem like you’re not moving at all, but when you add them up over years – poof!  All of a sudden they add up and you’re quite far from where you started.  So that’s what 2010 was for me.  The year all those baby steps added up to something.

I have more steps to take.  That can be daunting and perhaps because it’s January 1st it seems like a big challenge.  But overall, given my progress, I’m hopeful.  No going backwards for me.

I made my apartment livable – I have some boxes left and 1 room to de-clutter, but none of that is in my everyday living area and people can come in my place and never know about my once hoarding issue.

I got out more and got involved in my community.  I volunteer at several places now and take part in committees and organizations – it feels good.  I’ve met lots of people and for the most part have been happy with my decisions, although at times it can be a bit overwhelming.  When that happens I stop and refresh – take some time for myself, and so far that’s been working.  I find a few days on my own is re-energizing where as in the past I’d try to do that and end up removing myself from life for months at a time.  Now with my responsibilities I can’t do that – a few days is all I have and really all I need.  Any more than that can be detrimental.

I continue going to Weight Watchers and have lost quite a bit of weight.  I have more to go but am very happy with the results so far.  Plus I continue to exercise and that’s made a huge difference in how I’m able to move through the world.  I have at least 100 lbs to lose, but that doesn’t scare me.  Not even sure I want to lose that much but I want to try.  And I want to keep moving – there’s such a sense of freedom in being able to move again.  And, my doctor is happy with the results which is definitely good news.

I also continue to get my financial mess in order.  Well, pretty much I’ve done all I can to clean up my past mess, now it’s just a case of keeping things from getting messy again.  And so far, I’ve been able to do that.  It’s tough, I’ve had to cut out a lot of things, but I’m managing and have a better attitude about the whole situation.

I have a better attitude at work as well, although this is still one I struggle with quite a bit.  There’s more for me to do in this area but to be fair, there’s only so much I can do.  It’s more about accepting a difficult situation and dealing with it the best I can.  So yeah … that will continue to give me things to blog about, lol.  I guess that’s the up-side?!

Overall 2010 was good.  As I said it was the year all the baby-steps paid-off … and that’s motivating me to take more baby-steps.  They’re slow, difficult at times, but I now see that they do add up and can get you to a place you thought you’d never be.

Happy New Year

The job situation has improved.  My attitude shifted and that’s made it like I have a brand new job.  A few times since that last post my boss has yelled at me and I remained calm and spoke my feelings honestly and politely … I said that I didn’t appreciate being spoken to in that way, and amazingly she stopped.  Better yet, afterwards I didn’t feel the need to vent or rant about it because it was all handled well and done and over with.  I felt empowered and I think that was the biggest problem.  It’s bad enough when you have a job and maybe it’s not the most stellar job in the universe, but it’s all you have and let’s face it, most of us have to work … anyway, it doesn’t help when the person you work for is messed up and takes her frustrations out on the employees.  That’s just lame, really.  Anyway … my new attitude = less frustration for me.  I can’t change her.  And once I fully realized that it made a huge difference in my life.

I’ve been very busy with other things as well.  I got more involved in my community, doing volunteer work and stuff like that.  Plus I’ve been taking a few classes, mostly just for fun.  All of it has been great for me, I’m not as focused inward anymore.  I feel more involved in the world and that’s helping me to feel like I’m a part of something bigger than myself.

All of this is helping me to keep my place tidy as well.  I have a list of things I do weekly and for the most part I keep on top of it.  I still have some work to do in the bedroom and closet but it’s nothing like what I had before.  My living room, dining room, bathroom and kitchen are all tidy and fully functional.  It’s great.  But I always acknowledge that it would be easy to slip back into my old habits.  I find being realistic is really helpful.  Little steps at a time with whats left to be done.

Sometimes when I think about what’s left to be done I get a bit overwhelmed.  That’s when I just take a break and re-focus.  Do something small.  Acknowledge that even though it was “small” it was big.  Every small step is huge when you add them all together – and that’s what I keep reminding myself.

There are times that I feel a bit sad though, like today, which is probably why I thought about dropping by here again and doing a post.  On days like this I do feel alone.  I feel a part of my family, which is great, supportive & loving.  I feel very close to them and appreciate them very much.  I also feel really connected to my community now and have been having a lot of fun with the variety of things I’ve been doing, and I’ve met a lot of nice people.  But technically I am alone.  I live alone and am not in a relationship.  To be honest I don’t really want to start a relationship, I just sometimes miss being in one.  It’s tough to keep building yourself up.  To keep giving yourself pep talks and validating that you’re doing well.  I remember when I was married, and things were going well, that’s what my husband did.  On those days when I felt really down and unable to get out in the world he’d tell me I was a good person and be supportive. I know it’s not really a good idea to rely on someone else to do those things for you, but after you’ve been doing them yourself for so long it gets you thinking it would be nice to have someone else there for support.

I guess I’m rambling a bit now, lol.  But those are all my thoughts for the moment.  Overall, like the title says, “things are good.”  And I’m feeling very positive about my life and about my future.  I’m even excited about a few things I have planned over the next few months!  Nothing overly exciting like a trip somewhere, but I do have a few classes I’m looking forward to and even a few holiday parties I’ve been invited to.  I still feel a bit out of sorts at festive events but I went to a few earlier in the Fall and had a good time.  Once I started to feel awkward I said my thank-yous & good-byes and headed home.  I don’t think anyone knew I was feeling out of place, I’m pretty good at hiding that.  But I allowed myself to feel it and then I just followed my heart.  By the time I got home I felt really good about the whole thing.  I had a good time and left before I got overly anxious – which in the past usually left me feeling like I’d had a bad time … when often I hadn’t.

Two other good things that are going well … I’m getting my financial mess in order, I’m on a tight budget but I have to say that although it’s tough I’ve been managing.  The other thing I’m managing well is my health, that’s really improving plus I’ve lost almost 50 lbs in the past year.  That’s been a big thrill for me and has helped me to be more active.

I know I’ve said this before but I really feel like this blog has helped me tremendously.  So, thank you blog

And I’m not the only one doing this.  It’s weird but everyone is.  This tells me how bad a boss we have.  I’m not going to go on about her – she’s an idiot, I’ve finally decided.  But I’ve never done this before – just gone to work and not worked.  For 3 days in a row!

I’m almost 50 and have never behaved this way when the boss was on vacation before.  Oh sure, sometimes I’d be more lax about what I was doing or what time I came back from lunch, but to be honest my days were pretty much the same whether the boss was there or not.   I feel such a relief with her gone that I feel like a child, and acting like one too I guess.  I don’t care, lol!

I have things I have to get done before she comes back and I plan to work my tail off for the rest of this week in order to do that and then next week I plan to relax some more. HA!  I should feel guilty, but I don’t.  And knowing I’m not the only one doing it kidna validates my bad behaviour, lol.

The thing is, with all the clearing of stuff from my apartment I’m left with the reality of my strong emotions.  I’m lonely.  I’m actually very lonely and it’s unbearable at times.

I was driving home from a Canada Day party yesterday and just started crying. The loneliness was painful.  I could feel it.  I spent all day with people but I was so alone.  I spent the conference surrounded by people, interacting with people, and felt so unbearably lonely.  It hurts. It actually really does hurt. In my stomach, up high … kind of between my breast bones.  I feel it.  I feel it there now.  Stunning really.  I never felt it before. Wouldn’t allow myself to feel it.  Sometimes I’m not sure which is worse, feeling it now or never knowing it was there.  I guess the latter.  But this sure isn’t easy.