Feeling Invisible
I was just having a little weepy moment earlier and actually said out loud, “No one pays attention to me. It’s like I’m invisible.” That kind of struck me. It’s surprising to think about when you consider my size. Then I wondered if that’s why I eat so much when I’m feeling invisible – it’s like I want people to see me.
I’m here. Pay attention. Stop ignoring me. Stop belittling me. Stop minimizing me.
I know people can’t make me feel a certain way – only I can make me feel that way. But I do notice that people seem to minimize me. Minimize my abilities at work. Minimize the strong feelings I have. I guess I let them do that. Maybe if I were stronger I’d just ignore them, or find a better way to respond to them. But I’m not able to do that all the time. For the most part I usually can but it struck me tonight that over time … over many years … this kind of thing takes its toll.
I’m feeling really alone right now. Ignored. Invisible.
Feeling Betrayed
Yeah, I am. By my boss. Oh well. I can’t do anything about it – I mean she is my boss. And it’s nothing so serious as to put my job at risk or anything, but what she did has left me feeling betrayed by her. Now the thing is … what do I do with all these left over strong negative feelings I have?
Normally I eat. Over eat. And that’s what I’ve been doing.
I gotta find a new way to cope.
Why am I so Mean?
I think I often lash out with rudeness because I think it’s going to make me feel better, or superior. Not sure. Maybe it’s just a bad habit I learned from my parents. They could be really sarcastic at times. Well, most times.
I like most sarcastic humour, but sometimes it’s just mean. I was mean to a couple of people today. Afterwards I just felt kinda childish. I wasn’t actually sarcastic to anyone, but my being mean made me think of sarcasm and how it was used in my household growing up.
There were lots of hurtful jabs. Not physical ones, emotional ones. Damn … those hurt and stick around for years. Here I am almost 50 for god sakes and I’m still reacting to the damage.
I feel like my mind is a big bundle of twisted wires. They all work fine, I guess, but it would be nice to tidy them up a bit so they didn’t cause harm to anyone.
I don’t do well with strong emotions. Strong feelings. I either avoid them or react to them in harmful ways. Either harmful to myself or to others … or both. And by harmful I mean hurtful. I can be mean.
It’s been a stressful week at work, and while I think most people are handling all the stress well I find that living alone gives me a bit of a disadvantage at times like these. I just don’t have anyone to vent with after work nor do I have anyone who can be on my side. Just someone who can say, “yeah, yeah, I know what you mean…you’re right…you’re doing a good job” … or whatever. I just don’t have support in that way from anyone. Living by yourself is hard at times. But that’s a whole other can of worms. I’m not really looking for a relationship – the only thing I miss about living with a man is that feeling that someone in this big world is on my side. I miss being that for someone else too. But I don’t really miss anything else about a relationship and to be honest, most men I’ve met and been involved with since my divorce could care less about that kind of intimacy.
And I know not all couples talk about this kind of stuff – many keep work and home separate. But even in that situation, or a situation where someone just has kids and no partner, it’s still easier for them I think because at least they have things outside of work that keep them busy and occupied. They have responsibilities that I don’t have so they don’t really have time to dwell on stuff. I don’t have that, and my mind isn’t disciplined enough not to think about it. I really have nothing else going on in my life. And don’t get me wrong, I know the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, I was married for quite a long time … it’s just that even in retrospect I can see that it was easier to deal with work stress when I wasn’t completely alone.
Anyway … that was just a mind ramble. I’m just rambling on and on. Probably because I don’t have anyone else to talk to.
Whatever. The reality is I was mean to a few people today and it was my way of lashing out and trying to gain control, I guess. But it didn’t have the desired results, never does. I need to learn to react in a more productive way.
The thing is, it feels so good to be mean sometimes. You know, in that moment when you’re saying something mean, there’s a weird exhilaration. Of course it doesn’t last long and what you’re left with is an even bigger mess then what you started with.
A Beautiful Day
Yes it was. Other than some silly work annoyances, it was a beautiful day. I didn’t get much sleep last night, as my previous post states … but I did get some. That’s more than I usually get when I do the all night clean-up thing. And I didn’t feel rushed at the end, I was done in plenty of time and there was no last minute panicked rush. No real anxiety at all.
It’s so nice to have all this wonderful clean floor space. And there’s a lot of it! And usually that kind of freaks me out, but not this time. This time it’s different for the first time. I’m actually quite enjoying all the openness, and open space. Normally after I clean out all the stuff I’ve hoarded I have a sense of loss, but also a sense of being unnerved by the space. But not this time. Yay!
I’m totally enjoying today and this feeling. I’m kind of sore from all the hard work, lol … but that will wear off and it’s good for me anyway. I’m also tired from the lack of sleep but I’ll be going to bed (or couch) a bit earlier tonight and that’s also good for me. My success even has me looking forward to cleaning out the bedroom and actually getting a new mattress. Oh to actually sleep in a bed! I haven’t done that in almost 3 years … maybe more. And I was in the bedroom yesterday sort of cleaning it out – and it wasn’t as scary as it was previous times. I think that I’m making some good progress here and I’m proud of myself for that.
Heck, even the cats seem really happy! They seem more relaxed and have been enjoying all the extra space as well. Anyway, knowing they’re happier also makes me happy although to be honest, they are very well taken care of – I don’t hoard animals so that’s a good thing. And they’re always well fed, clean, brushed, all that stuff, etc.
I did, unfortunately, have some weird work stuff happen today – but I handled it well. Or, I guess I should say better than I usually do. It caused me a little anxiety. The thing is, when it was happening I recognized how I was feeling. I was a little negative at first and I feel bad about that, but then I explained my uncertainty or concern that perhaps some of the choices being made weren’t the correct ones – and I had some agreement from others so that made me feel good, and like I wasn’t the only one thinking people were making a big elaborate deal out of something simple. It was all professional and I think ultimately it’s going to work out okay. Not the way I’d do it – but I think some people make elaborate plans when something more simple would do because they have the need to feel over-worked and in control. That’s their deal, not mine. And while it’s not exactly the same, I kind of do that in my personal life … I don’t need to do it at work as well, ha!
So. There ya have it. I did it. And like I said in the previous post, it didn’t take as long because I had kept my place in much better condition since my last big clean up. So that’s a positive sign and I feel really good about that!
It’s all good. 
Update: I seem to be big on updates lately, lol. But it’s almost 10pm and I’m sitting here thinking … “wow, I’m not all stressed. I feel like I have nothing to do. Like I have lots of time and not rushed.” And the weird thing is, other nights of the week are exactly the same, I don’t have things I have to do, no responsibilities. And I’m usually just sitting here on the couch watching TV or surfing the net. So really, I’m not doing anything different tonight than I do any other night, it’s just that having the place all cleaned-out and tidy has really taken a huge burden off me. I don’t think I really articulated that before. So that’s why I thought it was important to do the update. I feel relaxed. Light. Like I don’t have some impending doom hanging over my head. I mean, if someone knocked on my door now I wouldn’t panic. I’d just open the door. And if the landlady had to come in for some emergency reason, I’d just let her in. What a huge sense of relief! It’s important I write about these feelings. It’s important for me to remember down the road when I’m avoiding stuff and hoarding stuff again. I mean, let’s face it, that’s going to happen again. It’s not like I’m cured or something, lol. And I hope this is helpful and hopeful for those who read this and are going through similar struggles. I mean – that’s really the beauty of blogging. Writing here is helping me … and hopefully reading this is helping someone out there.
Better Mood
My mood is a bit better today. I had a couple of great conversations with people at work – and I think just being out and interacting with people has help to lift my mood. Big surprise. I’ve known this for some time now – but when my mood is really down it’s hard to truly remember that bit of important info.
Anyway, I can still feel that “being stuck” feeling inside of me though, the one where I’m down. Very down. Not sure what it’s all about but I’m glad I had a good day and that I’m feeling better.
Avoinding
I’m back to avoiding again. Some progress and then … plunk. That’s my pattern.
I’m feeling pretty defeated right now. I think it’s important to make note of this because I’m wondering if my moods have a pattern as well. Maybe I’ve been misdiagnosed with depression – I don’t know.
It’s weird, it’s not just my mood it’s how I feel about myself. Right now I feel like I can’t do anything. Really down, defeated, useless, incapable of anything at all. The reality is I know that’s not true – but that’s how I feel. I worry that this mood will show through at work again tomorrow. My last ‘down mood’ got me into a little trouble at work the last time. Not real trouble, it just made things kind of complicated and now I’m hoping to avoid any further “complications”. But when my mood is like this it’s hard for me to fake things. So, I hope I can fake things and be all “up” when I go in tomorrow.
Anyway, that’s it. I’m feeling down. Defeated. Bogged down in this chaos. I’ll have to take note of when it starts to change again. I started my period yesterday, perhaps that’s a factor as well – although I was starting to feel this way a few days ago. Now it feels pretty set-in.
When I avoid stuff it’s like I’m huddled inside of myself scared to death of something. It’s weird. So I just curl up on the couch and avoid. I don’t even go on line. I just get lost in my thoughts, fantasies or the TV. Sometimes I don’t even eat, which is really unusual for me. It can last for hours – just smothered in my mind. It can actually last for days, but the sitting and not moving – just kind of being like a zombie goes on for 8 to 12 hours at a time. It’s like I’m on my couch terrified to move.
Well, it’s all worth making note of. Not sure where it’s all going. Not sure if I get like this when I start to progress because there’s a part of me that’s afraid of moving forward in a positive way … don’t know if that’s it or not.
The weekend is over. I did nothing. I feel bad. Sad. Disappointed in myself. I’m not looking forward to the week ahead. Wish I could just stay inside my head forever. Well – that’s how I feel right now.
