Avoinding
I’m back to avoiding again. Some progress and then … plunk. That’s my pattern.
I’m feeling pretty defeated right now. I think it’s important to make note of this because I’m wondering if my moods have a pattern as well. Maybe I’ve been misdiagnosed with depression – I don’t know.
It’s weird, it’s not just my mood it’s how I feel about myself. Right now I feel like I can’t do anything. Really down, defeated, useless, incapable of anything at all. The reality is I know that’s not true – but that’s how I feel. I worry that this mood will show through at work again tomorrow. My last ‘down mood’ got me into a little trouble at work the last time. Not real trouble, it just made things kind of complicated and now I’m hoping to avoid any further “complications”. But when my mood is like this it’s hard for me to fake things. So, I hope I can fake things and be all “up” when I go in tomorrow.
Anyway, that’s it. I’m feeling down. Defeated. Bogged down in this chaos. I’ll have to take note of when it starts to change again. I started my period yesterday, perhaps that’s a factor as well – although I was starting to feel this way a few days ago. Now it feels pretty set-in.
When I avoid stuff it’s like I’m huddled inside of myself scared to death of something. It’s weird. So I just curl up on the couch and avoid. I don’t even go on line. I just get lost in my thoughts, fantasies or the TV. Sometimes I don’t even eat, which is really unusual for me. It can last for hours – just smothered in my mind. It can actually last for days, but the sitting and not moving – just kind of being like a zombie goes on for 8 to 12 hours at a time. It’s like I’m on my couch terrified to move.
Well, it’s all worth making note of. Not sure where it’s all going. Not sure if I get like this when I start to progress because there’s a part of me that’s afraid of moving forward in a positive way … don’t know if that’s it or not.
The weekend is over. I did nothing. I feel bad. Sad. Disappointed in myself. I’m not looking forward to the week ahead. Wish I could just stay inside my head forever. Well – that’s how I feel right now.
OnLine Addictions
Way back in 1999 when I got my first computer, and first logged on to the internet – I got addicted. I was staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning in a chat room. It was crazy. All the people I met in there were like my best friends. About 5 months later it all came crashing down. I thought I was lucky because I got out within a relatively short period of time. But it was an intense period of time for me and when it started to fizzle out I was really lost. I was hurt. It was very emotional. All those people meant a lot to me. They were real. I even thought I was in love at one point. Some of the people in the chat room met in real life, I never did which was probably a good thing because most of the stories I heard turned out less than expected. Peoples hopes were dashed and it ruined their online life. And in some cases even ruined their real lives.
Anyway, I unplugged just before Christmas 1999 and didn’t turn my computer on until 2005. But I’d only go on for email or to do searches once in a while. I tried online dating for a few months – but that didn’t work so I basically logged-of again.
Then in 2007 I started a blog. A fun blog, not this one – lol. It was quite popular but it got a bit overwhelming for a lot of different reasons, and ultimately I ended up feeling empty. Maybe I was still just looking for attention or something, or friendships – not sure. But it didn’t feel real anymore so I started this one which I don’t advertise anywhere and I don’t promote. It really is for me. I guess I could write all this in a book somewhere or on my computer and not post it … but I do post it and I do appreciate the feedback I get. But that’s not the main point of this blog. And I’m not addicted to this blog like I was with the other one, or like I was with the chat rooms.
But now I have facebook and it’s becoming a problem.
I first opened up a FB page under a fake name to get the hang of it. Then I opened one under my real name and have a few friends and family as “friends”, most of whom don’t live any where near me so it is a nice way to keep in touch. I do have a couple of friends I used to work with who live near by on there but to be honest, I’d prefer not to keep in touch with them. We keep saying we’re going for coffee but never do.
Since all the people on my real page don’t play the games or whatever, I created another fake page where I could play the games without any one knowing.
Why?
Well, I got addicted to all the games and didn’t want to have that on my real page where people could see. So like all good addicts I hid my addiction. I have 4 fake FB pages now. It’s getting a bit out of control to be honest. It’s kinda funny, but not really.
At first I told myself I was doing it to relax at the end of the night, and that’s true – that’s what I was doing. Then I found myself going to it during work and not getting stuff done. Next thing I was staying up until 4am playing games. I’m not interacting with anyone on there – just have lots of friends who are obviously also addicted to the games.
I don’t know what to do. I enjoy it and wish I could go back to using it like I did in the beginning. But now on a Monday night I realize that I wasted all weekend glued to the computer.
The last couple of weekends I went out, spent time with family and was busy. It felt nice. I didn’t want to go out at first because my apartment is a mess (of course) but I decided that I should stop punishing myself and go out and have fun. Which was a good decision. But then weeks went by and my apartment didn’t improve and now here I am in the middle of September stuck again. So rather than go out and have fun this weekend I stayed in behind closed curtains playing on FB. I didn’t even buy groceries. Just junk food. Now I’m broke because that stuff can be expensive. And I did that right after my last post where I said I spent money wisely, lol. I was doing really well with my grocery budget actually, but I’ve blown it now.
I don’t know what to do. I’m a bit unmotivated again. I know there will be a smoke detector inspection in the apartment sometime this month – that’s why I wanted to take last month to get things in order. I got started but never moved past the first few steps.
All of this wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t hate the way my life is right now. I want to have a bed, and a bedroom. I want to have a fridge with some food in it. I want to have a normal apartment!
I want, I want. But I never DO anything to get what I want.
Maybe if I post this and re-read it later it will motivate me – that’s worked for me in the past, so here’s hoping.
I really need to do something. It’s at a critical point now.
I Have a Lot of Anger
I get angry a lot but rarely show it, or maybe I do but just not in the normal outrage way. My anger is often turned inward or sent outward through sarcasm, apathy or frustration.
The other day my boss asked me if she’d done something to upset me, so obviously my anger is visible even if I don’t think it is. It would have been a good time to talk to her about some of her behaviour toward me but I said nothing. Now I’m stuck in a situation where I’m trying not to seem frustrated with her while hiding how I really feel and it’s all just a big mess which has me angry at myself for not saying something.
I have gotten really angry when I was alone – and smashed things. It’s a bit scary. The anger just wells up inside of me and I just grab something and start banging and I’m furious and in that moment I feel like I could kill something. Of course I don’t really think I could kill anything it’s just that’s how I feel in those few seconds when I let the anger come out. Afterwards I don’t feel better or worse. I just am. I’m a little relieved I guess, but it’s not a good or bad feeling. I just don’t feel angry anymore.
I think sometimes it’s just the build up of everything I hate about me and my life bubbling up. I’m tired of psychoanalyzing myself to be honest. I’d just like to get up one day and go about it in a shallow way – not thinking of what lies beneath but just be happy because it’s sunny outside and not raining and I’m alive. Why don’t I ever feel like that? There’s always a touch of melancholy in me no matter what. It’s always there like a sore tooth. Just humming beneath the surface. I hate it.
Anyway, as usual after having some success last weekend this weekend I’m sitting here stressed and unable to do anything. That makes me angry.
I’m angry that my life is like this. I’m angry that my apartment looks like this. I’m angry that i look like this. I’m angry that I hate my job and can’t leave it. I’m angry that I got paid on Friday and have no money. I’m angry that this same cycle will continue day after day after day. And I’m most angry that no matter how many times I try I can’t seem to break this stupid cycle. That I hop off it for a while, like a few days, and then I’m back on it again. Not sure why that is. Maybe I miss it. Maybe I don’t know how to live without it. And if that’s the case – that makes me angry too.
She’s All Me
It’s been a totally weird weekend. In an emotional way. I did manage to get some stuff re-packed and into my new storage space, which was nice. But I have a lot more to do. I probably could have done more, I think sometimes I’m lazy or just unmotivated … and then I think, well I don’t really have a time-line and I’m only answerable to me … and life’s short so I might as well take a few breaks to enjoy the weekend as well.
I don’t know which is the right attitude. All I know is I did quite a bit this weekend but not as much as I hoped … yet more than I thought I would. Round and round my mind goes.
I found a lot of stuff I’d forgotten about. Old photos, notebooks, memories. It was hard at times. I had a few little cries but to be honest nothing really overly emotional. I’d shed a few tears and then just keep on going, or go out for some fresh air. I think in retrospect I probably did everything at the right rate – because it was what I could handle. And really that’s all I can do.
I spent some time looking at old photos of me – from when I was married. Who was that woman? I also found a few from an office party. I can’t even remember who those people are – so odd because at the time they seemed so important to me. Most of them – well their faces were unknown to me.
I think I wanted to keep all that stuff in boxes and restart my life. I didn’t want to go back or even acknowledge that woman, or girl … depending on which box I opened. Some of the boxes were from before I was married and still living at home with my parents.
I unpacked some nic-nacs and other items that had memories attached. It wasn’t as devastating as I thought it would be and in a way I kind of like re-integrating all those parts of me that I severed. There’s the little girl who was just a child, the young woman who lived at home with her parents, the young woman who lived with her husband, the devastated woman left behind by her husband, the woman who went over the deep end and planned her suicide, the wounded woman who couldn’t hold a job and had to be rescued by family. She’s all me.
She is all me and she’s not that different from the me now.
I found a journal from June 1999. It took my breath away. It was only me answering 3 questions my therapist had for me. What do I want to have? What do I want to do? What do I want to be?
What shocked me was I could have written it yesterday. The first thing I wrote for What I Want to Have … “A clean apartment. No garbage. Sanitized bathroom and kitchen. No clothes around. Everything in its place.”
The second thing I wrote … “The energy to do this”.
My goodness. That’s pretty much what this blog is all about and here it is 10 years later.
It was a little upsetting because it brought into focus how these past 10 years have been so hard for me. How I’ve been side-lined by this hoarding obsession, along with a lot of other things, and it’s stopped me from living my life fully. Maybe unpacking and bringing all these things back into my life is a much more positive move than I had anticipated.
I do feel like I am integrating all those parts of me back together again. I don’t think I separated them on purpose, or maybe I did. I think a part of me was too wounded to think about who I used to be. And I used to be so optimistic that I couldn’t bear to acknowledge that I lived my life with rose coloured glasses on.
I also had a bit of anxiety thinking that by bringing these things back into my life I was moving backwards. As if by packing up my life I was leaving it behind and moving forward. Of course I haven’t moved forward at all. But when I was putting out certain items I had this thought – what if my Ex showed up (that’s not going to happen) and saw all this old stuff – it would be as if I hadn’t moved forward. Of course by opening up these boxes and using the things in them doesn’t mean I want my husband back nor does it mean I want that old life back. It’s a bit confusing, to be honest.
But this weekend has been insightful. I’ve had lots of emotions but none of them over-took me. I’d be sad, angry, happy, content, frustrated, tired, anxious … you name it I felt it. But at least I felt it.
I hung a sun catcher on my door that I found. I don’t really remember when I bought it but I remember it was in several of my homes. I’ve been looking at it off and on all weekend. My first thought was to hang it right away. Not sure why, it’s nothing special and I don’t have any emotions attached to it. Then I thought, no don’t hang it – don’t bring “her” into here. Then I washed it off and hung it in the window in my door.
I like it.
And I like that I’m bringing little bits of “her” back into my life. She’s not so bad. She’s kind of nice actually. And … she’s me. All those women, girls, I packed up in those boxes … they’re all me. And I’m feeling ready to have all of her back into my life now.
Feeling Paralyzed
I’m feeling kinda paralyzed this weekend. I know it’s Monday but I never work on Monday’s so this is the last day of my weekend.
I did nothing for 3 days.
I feel like I’ve been psychologically turned-off.
In retrospect I think I may do that, without realizing it, whenever I make a breakthrough. I did feel like I was making sense of stuff in my last few posts and then it’s followed up by me zoning out. Weird. Maybe it’s some kind of self-recovery or something. Maybe I’m just lazy. I don’t know. I did have my period this week and over the weekend it was really bad, so in a way I do feel like I’m recovering.
My results from my blood work and other tests came back, nothing serious. I am anemic … which is in part why I’m tired. I need to get some iron pills. My period doesn’t help with that problem either. So maybe I should just give myself a break over having done nothing this weekend. I am feeling like I’m getting over the flu even though I wasn’t sick. Oh well.
I have to add that I also felt very lonely this weekend. Lonely and restless. Well, restless maybe isn’t the right word because I didn’t move much … but kind of anxious about being alone and not having anyone to interact with. That made me spend a lot of time online interacting, and trying to interact, with people on various social networks. In one way I feel that’s kind of pathetic and in another I think it’s healthy to reach out. I dunno. In the end a lot of those friendships are just hollow. They do fill a void for a few minutes though, which is nice. But ultimately, do they really know or care about the real me? Nope. And that just leaves me feeling sad.
So that was my weekend. I’m now not looking forward to work starting tomorrow. It just seems like a never ending cycle that I don’t want to be in and I don’t know how I even got here.
Present, Past, Future … Whatever
I always hear that living in the present is the best. Living in the past is dwelling and doesn’t get you anywhere. And why worry about the future when it hasn’t happened yet.
That’s what I always thought.
But I watched a brief presentation (can’t remember where as I’ve been watching a lot lately) where the presenter stated that it’s better to be future oriented … goal oriented. Because that way you’re working toward something and … in my interpretation of it, you can do the things you have to do in the present, maybe things you don’t want to do, because it will lead to something … hopefully something good.
One of the studies sited was the one where kids are put in front of a marshmallow (ever see this? I saw it years ago on a documentary). Anyway, they’re told not to eat the marshmallow but to wait and if they wait until the person comes back in the room they’ll get 2 marshmallows. About two-thirds of the kids eat the marshmallow … immediate satisfaction. Well I guess years later they went back and interviewed the kids and those that waited and didn’t eat the marshmallow … and then got 2, did better in school, on SATs etc.
Immediate gratification. That’s my life. And this presentation I watched earlier today made me realize that I live too much of my time in the present.
Like this weekend. I’ve been enjoying myself, just doing nothing – not showering, not going out, not cleaning-up, not organizing my life. I just hung around doing stuff I like – eating, sleeping, reading, watching TV, surfing the net. Maybe it sounds like heaven to busy people, but by Sunday night it leaves me anxious, angry and defeated.
I didn’t do anything that will make my life easier next week. I’ll have to fumble through my week yet again. Looking for stuff. Everything all mixed up. But given 2 days to sort some stuff out I chose to sit and ignore it all and be in the moment of pleasure. Not taking into consideration the future consequences.
Same with my eating. Why deny the pleasure now? I’ve never been able to make that connection that these pleasures I’m partaking in now will have serious and detremental effects on me in the future.
I realized this about 18 years ago. 18! But basically forgot about it, or ignored it, until today when I saw this video presentation. The presentation itself wasn’t that good…which is one reason why I can’t find it again now. But that’s not what’s really important here. What’s important is that I need to adjust the way I look at the things I do. I need to make the connection that doing something now will have a positive (or negative) effect on me in the future.
Goals have never been my friend. I’ve never been goal oriented. My brain doesn’t even seem to think that way. It never occurs to me to make a plan. To be honest, it’s hard to even figure out what steps to take.
Anyway. Here it is about 8:30 on a Sunday night. I spent most of yesterday recovering from my stressful week. I have to say, I was tired, sore, in pain, my stomach was out of control and my head was aching. I couldn’t focus and felt really foggy. That was Saturday.
Today I was up around 9am but then fell back asleep until about 3pm. Waste. Now I’m sitting here anticipating the panic that will soon grip me because I’ll realize Monday is coming and I’ll have to go to work and I don’t want to. And I’ll start freaking out that I didn’t do anything in my apartment and be upset about the state of chaos and mess. Then I’ll be so stressed I’ll be unable to sleep and ultimately be late for work. I’ll wake up and be terrified to get out of bed. Yes … terrified.
That’s how I feel in the mornings. Terrified. Terrified to greet the day. I envy those people who wake with the wonder of what the day will bring. People who welcome the day. I’ve never been like that. I’ve never felt that way in the morning not even when I was a child. Waking from my wonderful slumber was always sad and scary to me. My dream world was where I wanted to stay. The real world was too mean and hard … and made me sad and scared.
Here I am47 and still reacting to the world in the same freaking way.
Why?
I don’t know.
