Avoinding
I’m back to avoiding again. Some progress and then … plunk. That’s my pattern.
I’m feeling pretty defeated right now. I think it’s important to make note of this because I’m wondering if my moods have a pattern as well. Maybe I’ve been misdiagnosed with depression – I don’t know.
It’s weird, it’s not just my mood it’s how I feel about myself. Right now I feel like I can’t do anything. Really down, defeated, useless, incapable of anything at all. The reality is I know that’s not true – but that’s how I feel. I worry that this mood will show through at work again tomorrow. My last ‘down mood’ got me into a little trouble at work the last time. Not real trouble, it just made things kind of complicated and now I’m hoping to avoid any further “complications”. But when my mood is like this it’s hard for me to fake things. So, I hope I can fake things and be all “up” when I go in tomorrow.
Anyway, that’s it. I’m feeling down. Defeated. Bogged down in this chaos. I’ll have to take note of when it starts to change again. I started my period yesterday, perhaps that’s a factor as well – although I was starting to feel this way a few days ago. Now it feels pretty set-in.
When I avoid stuff it’s like I’m huddled inside of myself scared to death of something. It’s weird. So I just curl up on the couch and avoid. I don’t even go on line. I just get lost in my thoughts, fantasies or the TV. Sometimes I don’t even eat, which is really unusual for me. It can last for hours – just smothered in my mind. It can actually last for days, but the sitting and not moving – just kind of being like a zombie goes on for 8 to 12 hours at a time. It’s like I’m on my couch terrified to move.
Well, it’s all worth making note of. Not sure where it’s all going. Not sure if I get like this when I start to progress because there’s a part of me that’s afraid of moving forward in a positive way … don’t know if that’s it or not.
The weekend is over. I did nothing. I feel bad. Sad. Disappointed in myself. I’m not looking forward to the week ahead. Wish I could just stay inside my head forever. Well – that’s how I feel right now.
Feeling Paralyzed
I’m feeling kinda paralyzed this weekend. I know it’s Monday but I never work on Monday’s so this is the last day of my weekend.
I did nothing for 3 days.
I feel like I’ve been psychologically turned-off.
In retrospect I think I may do that, without realizing it, whenever I make a breakthrough. I did feel like I was making sense of stuff in my last few posts and then it’s followed up by me zoning out. Weird. Maybe it’s some kind of self-recovery or something. Maybe I’m just lazy. I don’t know. I did have my period this week and over the weekend it was really bad, so in a way I do feel like I’m recovering.
My results from my blood work and other tests came back, nothing serious. I am anemic … which is in part why I’m tired. I need to get some iron pills. My period doesn’t help with that problem either. So maybe I should just give myself a break over having done nothing this weekend. I am feeling like I’m getting over the flu even though I wasn’t sick. Oh well.
I have to add that I also felt very lonely this weekend. Lonely and restless. Well, restless maybe isn’t the right word because I didn’t move much … but kind of anxious about being alone and not having anyone to interact with. That made me spend a lot of time online interacting, and trying to interact, with people on various social networks. In one way I feel that’s kind of pathetic and in another I think it’s healthy to reach out. I dunno. In the end a lot of those friendships are just hollow. They do fill a void for a few minutes though, which is nice. But ultimately, do they really know or care about the real me? Nope. And that just leaves me feeling sad.
So that was my weekend. I’m now not looking forward to work starting tomorrow. It just seems like a never ending cycle that I don’t want to be in and I don’t know how I even got here.
3 Days Gone
I feel like I wasted the past 3 days. As usual. I blame it on my period, it really snuck up on me this month. Sounds stupid considering I’m almost 50, but still, I really wasn’t expecting it.
Anyway, I haven’t felt energetic and I ran out of supplies and when I went out today my car died. It all left me feeling overwhelmed. Maybe others can handle all that stuff happening at once but I can’t. I find it overwhelming and frustrating and rather than turn it all around into something good, or at least into something workable, I just end up feeling defeated.
I do have tomorrow off. But my mind is overwhelmed regarding my car. I just don’t know what to do. I looked up loans for people in my financial position and it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Given I’m just coming out of bankruptcy I really didn’t think a loan was even a remote possibility.
The thing is, I know I’d feel better if I did something but my energy level today was pretty much non-existent, eventho I got ready and went out. Because of my car dieing, I ended up having to walk to the store, which was no easy feat. I came home feeling very drained and just basically sad. Plus I had to go to a small store downtown which was way more expensive than if I had gone to the grocery store. Spending more money with my car in need of a tow and repair – not good.
Right now I’m just feeling defeated, once again. Angry, of course. But mostly defeated. Defeated by all the ridiculous stuff that rolls through my head. I did try and do some stuff but was too fatigued. I hate having a period and I wish it would just go away. It’s always been a huge problem for me, I’ve been on medication for it before but not lately as it’s so expensive. Being on it makes my life so much easier and makes my period normal, like most women experience it. The pain and the heaviness of mine are quite abnormal, according to doctors. That was actually nice to find out a few years ago because before that I had just thought I was weird – since no one else seemed to experience what I did.
But – that’s that. My weekend basically disappeared and I barely remember it. And now I’m anxious about how I’m going to get to work on Tuesday. I also have a bunch of decisions to make about my car tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to that. And then there’s just the usual crap to look forward to.
More & More
I’ve been eating more & more lately – but I think I know why. It’s that lovely time of the month women hate. I’m so sick of it! More food, more headaches, more pain, more bitchiness, more food again and round and round it goes. Since I was 12 for crap sakes.
I don’t even know if ‘crap sakes’ is a saying but whatever, it is now. I dare anyone to challenge me. I’m up for the fight. 
