I’m Suppose to be Cleaning Right Now
Yes, and I’ve had lots of notice so I only have myself to blame that at 7pm on a Sunday night I haven’t really done anything as of yet … and the inspectors will be here at 9am tomorrow morning. It’s our annual smoke detector inspection. They’ll just be in and out within a few minutes – so it’s no big deal, not a real “inspection”. But people still have to come into my home and in the state it’s in right now I’m sure my next note from the landlord would be an eviction notice.
So ….
Eventho I found out about this yesterday at 2pm … I didn’t take advantage of the time. Oh no. I don’t do things like that.
I know I’ll be up all night, like I always do and will be rushing around in the last hour trying to do everything “just in time”.
That’s me.
I hate it.
But if I really hated it that much I’d change it.
Anyway, now I’m off to get things organized. I’m not looking forward to it. I can feel the panic just bubbling below the surface.
The thing is, I know I’ll be successful. I know come 9am everything will be okay. Not sparkly clean but okay enough. Still … it’s gonna be a long night.
Update: 10pm – kitchen is done, livingroom is half done. Now going to watch Dexter 
Then I have the bathroom & hallway. The hallway is the biggest mess with all the boxes. I’m mostly going to organize them and make them look less chaotic. Then I’ll close the bedroom door … which is an insane room. I thought I might get that done but I decided to leave it. I started in there and did make some progress but then decided it was just distracting me – because I can close the door and they don’t need in there. So … that’s where I am now.
2nd Update: 1:10 am – going along well. You know, for the most part. No panic attacks and that’s wonderful! A couple of times I felt overwhelmed and I did what’s worked in the past. I stopped. Sat down. Told myself to give myself a break with the understanding that I had to, and could, get back to it when I felt calmer. And it worked. I’m thinking I have about an hours work left, maybe two. And the reality is I usually don’t go to bed until 4am anyway, so no big deal. Altho I have to be showered by 9am, but again, no biggie. The thing I’ve noticed is this isn’t taking me as long this time, which tells me I’m getting better at maintaining my place in between big clean-ups. And … I’m also not giving myself such a hard time, so that’s making things a bit better as well. Off now to continue my work.
Panic Update
Just a short update from my last post … I’m doing this to centre myself and help me focus.
First – my apartment is starting to look like a home.
Second – I’ve got a long, long way to go.
Finally – So far I’m on time.
I’m having moments of panic, feeling anxious from time to time. I think I’m dealing with it well so far.
I get overwhelmed when I look at what’s left to do … so I’m breaking it all down in pieces and constantly reminding myself that I have time.
My stomach is churning. But I’m doing it. Slow but sure.
They Need Access to My Apartment Tomorrow
I just found this out at noon today on my way to work. I had to feign illness to come home early, although I am feel pretty ill. Can’t keep anything in my stomach and now that I’m home I can finally cry about it.
I feel like I’m about to be violated – and I know that sounds over the top but the reality for me is that’s how I feel.
I’m also feeling angry that I didn’t do anything over the weekend – just laid here like a dead whale doing nothing.
I’m also feeling defeated, like it’s too much for me to do and now I’m going to be exposed.
Sigh. Deep breath.
Then somewhere in the middle of that I’m thinking this is a good thing because it will force me to do something. Then I get mad because I don’t like being forced to do something … whatever.
Also somewhere down deep I’m feeling like I am capable, like I can do it.
On my way home in the car I just kept talking out loud to myself. Telling myself that I can do this. I told myself to stop at the store and get some cleaning supplies. To go home and map out what I was going to do. To allow myself until 10pm to vacuum and move stuff because after that we can’t be making lots of noise in the building.
So basically that’s about 5 hours or so to vacuum, move any furniture, etc. That’s enough time. Then my plan is to go out around 10 or so and buy anything else I need. To also start at that time to take out any garbage bags.
I don’t plan to sleep tonight but that’s okay because I don’t have to go to work tomorrow.
They won’t need access to my bedroom so I can put stuff in there. At least I don’t think they’ll need access to it. From what I understand they just need in the kitchen and the bathroom. But the hallway, livingroom & dining room are in between those 2 rooms … so I have to make all of those areas accessible and clean. Well, tidy. I need to “clean” the bathroom and kitchen. Which is seeming like an overwhelming task to be honest.
My train of thought is all over the place but I need to focus. I can do this.
I’m going to do what I told myself to do on the way home in the car. I’m now going to turn on the TV, get the air conditioner running … vacuum and tidy the livingroom & dining room area.
Then I’ll work on the kitchen.
Next the bathroom.
After that – I can organize the hallway (where all the boxes are) and then also put whatever needs to be into the bedroom.
I can do this.
I’m terrified and in the middle of a low-grade panic attack, but I know I can do this.
Oh my god … seriously. I’m so terrified. I hate this damn obsession. I really hate it.
I may use this blog to work through this thing tonight. I know I’ve done that in the past and it’s worked out really well. I need to focus my thoughts and stop crying right now.
Deep breath.
I have to think of who that woman is who goes out into the community. She’s very capable. Lot’s of people see me as capable. I know I am. I just have to transfer those skills I use out there to my home in here … and then I’ll be successful.
Wow – I just let out a big sigh.
I think I’m gonna be okay.
But I’m not kidding myself here – I know it’s going to be a night of panic and tears.
Present, Past, Future … Whatever
I always hear that living in the present is the best. Living in the past is dwelling and doesn’t get you anywhere. And why worry about the future when it hasn’t happened yet.
That’s what I always thought.
But I watched a brief presentation (can’t remember where as I’ve been watching a lot lately) where the presenter stated that it’s better to be future oriented … goal oriented. Because that way you’re working toward something and … in my interpretation of it, you can do the things you have to do in the present, maybe things you don’t want to do, because it will lead to something … hopefully something good.
One of the studies sited was the one where kids are put in front of a marshmallow (ever see this? I saw it years ago on a documentary). Anyway, they’re told not to eat the marshmallow but to wait and if they wait until the person comes back in the room they’ll get 2 marshmallows. About two-thirds of the kids eat the marshmallow … immediate satisfaction. Well I guess years later they went back and interviewed the kids and those that waited and didn’t eat the marshmallow … and then got 2, did better in school, on SATs etc.
Immediate gratification. That’s my life. And this presentation I watched earlier today made me realize that I live too much of my time in the present.
Like this weekend. I’ve been enjoying myself, just doing nothing – not showering, not going out, not cleaning-up, not organizing my life. I just hung around doing stuff I like – eating, sleeping, reading, watching TV, surfing the net. Maybe it sounds like heaven to busy people, but by Sunday night it leaves me anxious, angry and defeated.
I didn’t do anything that will make my life easier next week. I’ll have to fumble through my week yet again. Looking for stuff. Everything all mixed up. But given 2 days to sort some stuff out I chose to sit and ignore it all and be in the moment of pleasure. Not taking into consideration the future consequences.
Same with my eating. Why deny the pleasure now? I’ve never been able to make that connection that these pleasures I’m partaking in now will have serious and detremental effects on me in the future.
I realized this about 18 years ago. 18! But basically forgot about it, or ignored it, until today when I saw this video presentation. The presentation itself wasn’t that good…which is one reason why I can’t find it again now. But that’s not what’s really important here. What’s important is that I need to adjust the way I look at the things I do. I need to make the connection that doing something now will have a positive (or negative) effect on me in the future.
Goals have never been my friend. I’ve never been goal oriented. My brain doesn’t even seem to think that way. It never occurs to me to make a plan. To be honest, it’s hard to even figure out what steps to take.
Anyway. Here it is about 8:30 on a Sunday night. I spent most of yesterday recovering from my stressful week. I have to say, I was tired, sore, in pain, my stomach was out of control and my head was aching. I couldn’t focus and felt really foggy. That was Saturday.
Today I was up around 9am but then fell back asleep until about 3pm. Waste. Now I’m sitting here anticipating the panic that will soon grip me because I’ll realize Monday is coming and I’ll have to go to work and I don’t want to. And I’ll start freaking out that I didn’t do anything in my apartment and be upset about the state of chaos and mess. Then I’ll be so stressed I’ll be unable to sleep and ultimately be late for work. I’ll wake up and be terrified to get out of bed. Yes … terrified.
That’s how I feel in the mornings. Terrified. Terrified to greet the day. I envy those people who wake with the wonder of what the day will bring. People who welcome the day. I’ve never been like that. I’ve never felt that way in the morning not even when I was a child. Waking from my wonderful slumber was always sad and scary to me. My dream world was where I wanted to stay. The real world was too mean and hard … and made me sad and scared.
Here I am47 and still reacting to the world in the same freaking way.
Why?
I don’t know.
Because I’m Not Capable
So now everyone’s trying to step in and take over my life because apparently I’m not capable of making decisions on my own. I had decided to get my car repaired but according to those all around me that’s the wrong decision and now everyone is trying to find a way to save me.
I know I probably sound like I’m never happy. Not happy when people don’t help me and not happy when they do.
But the reality is support doesn’t mean taking over and treating me like I’m the idiot child who isn’t capable of anything.
I can’t remember the last time I’ve cried so much. It’s just so upsetting and I don’t know what to do.
The thought of everything is getting me really panicked. The idea that I won’t have a car and all that that entails makes me panic. I went 10 years slugging around on busses – I just can’t bear the thought of that happening to me now at my age.
Yay Me
Okay – so this has turned out to be an interesting Sunday. Well, I know it’s technically Monday now … but anyway ….
I forced myself to go out again today, it was about 5pm or so. I bought a few groceries and a few more plants for my balcony – they were on sale so I couldn’t refuse. As I was sitting out there enjoying them around 7pm or so I thought about how I wished I’d cleaned my kitchen as I had planned. I was thinking I’d like to be able to leave my balcony door open in the evening but don’t because people can see in and see the kitchen – which I could barely walk in.
I remembered that there was some special on TV tonight about hoarding but I thought there’s no way I’m watching it. I’m living it – and i don’t think watching it would be helpful.
I started thinking about how I haven’t cooked in almost 2 years. I could hardly get into the kitchen let alone access the stove. I thought about how much I’d like to have my pasta, or even kraft dinner … or toast or a sandwich! Basically what I’ve been doing all this time is buying take-out or just using the microwave.
Then I decided right then and there that I was going to go and clean up the kitchen and as a treat to myself I’d then go back to the grocery store and buy a new pot, some pasta & sauce … and kraft dinner! lol … and that’s what I did!
Yay me!
A few times I thought about blogging while I was in the middle of it all but then I didn’t.
I made about 7 trips down to the dumpster. I think I took out 11 bags of garbage and 2 boxes. Most of the garbage was just packaging and boxes, etc. Luckily I’ve never had bugs because of my hoarding – not everyone does, it really depends on what you hard.
When I first got started and turned the kitchen light on the walls looked like a crime scene, lol … seriously! Because about a year ago I did make the mistake of buying bananas – and inevitably the fruit flies came. I was so depressed and tired I remember just grabbing some spray to kill bugs and spraying it all over the place. I never thought about it after that as it got rid of them.
Anyway, after a year the spray droplets remained and were a reddish-brown colour, all over the wall and ceiling. Seriously – like a crime scene! I just shook my head and kinda laughed.
After taking everything out I washed the walls, ceiling and floor. It could use another cleaning with more detail and care – but basically now it just looks like most people’s kitchens – it’s a huge step in the right direction!
When I was taking stuff out and cleaning up I thought about taking a break. I was breathing hard, and sweating … it was a lot of work and heavy lifting. It felt like a panic attack was coming on – that’s when I remembered what my therapist said. She told me that many of the symptoms I described sounded like normal physical reactions to exertion, and since I’d often have those feelings when I was cleaning-up that maybe it wasn’t really a panic attack.
It was true that if I thought I was about to have a panic attack that alone could make me more panicked and actually bring on a full-blown attack. So tonight I took her advice and when I felt those symptoms I’d stop myself and think about it. It wasn’t easy, but I did it. And ultimately I decided that it was just normal physical reactions to all my heavy lifting and cleaning.
So although it wasn’t easy I didn’t take a break until I was done. Then I got changed, went to the store, came home and made pasta!
Yay me!
When I was at the store the cashier asked me if I had a good weekend and I said yes. She then asked me if I did anything “exciting”. I just kinda laughed and said no, not really. As I said it though, I thought yes actually I have done something exciting! I had a big goofy smile on my face on the way out to the car, and when I got home I did a little happy dance and said out loud “I’m gonna make some pasta” lol
Silly, but it was exciting. I didn’t cook it quite long enough, maybe I’ve forgotten how to cook or maybe I was just impatient … but I ate it and enjoyed it thoroughly.
Yay me!
