Avoinding
I’m back to avoiding again. Some progress and then … plunk. That’s my pattern.
I’m feeling pretty defeated right now. I think it’s important to make note of this because I’m wondering if my moods have a pattern as well. Maybe I’ve been misdiagnosed with depression – I don’t know.
It’s weird, it’s not just my mood it’s how I feel about myself. Right now I feel like I can’t do anything. Really down, defeated, useless, incapable of anything at all. The reality is I know that’s not true – but that’s how I feel. I worry that this mood will show through at work again tomorrow. My last ‘down mood’ got me into a little trouble at work the last time. Not real trouble, it just made things kind of complicated and now I’m hoping to avoid any further “complications”. But when my mood is like this it’s hard for me to fake things. So, I hope I can fake things and be all “up” when I go in tomorrow.
Anyway, that’s it. I’m feeling down. Defeated. Bogged down in this chaos. I’ll have to take note of when it starts to change again. I started my period yesterday, perhaps that’s a factor as well – although I was starting to feel this way a few days ago. Now it feels pretty set-in.
When I avoid stuff it’s like I’m huddled inside of myself scared to death of something. It’s weird. So I just curl up on the couch and avoid. I don’t even go on line. I just get lost in my thoughts, fantasies or the TV. Sometimes I don’t even eat, which is really unusual for me. It can last for hours – just smothered in my mind. It can actually last for days, but the sitting and not moving – just kind of being like a zombie goes on for 8 to 12 hours at a time. It’s like I’m on my couch terrified to move.
Well, it’s all worth making note of. Not sure where it’s all going. Not sure if I get like this when I start to progress because there’s a part of me that’s afraid of moving forward in a positive way … don’t know if that’s it or not.
The weekend is over. I did nothing. I feel bad. Sad. Disappointed in myself. I’m not looking forward to the week ahead. Wish I could just stay inside my head forever. Well – that’s how I feel right now.
Pretty Shocking
I just saw a full length photo of myself taken just a few days ago and I gotta say – it was shocking for me to see. I look horrid. I was in the new outfit I bought, the one I spoke of in an earlier post. I feel so good when I wear that t-shirt and jeans but I had no idea how awful I look. I’m so big. Obese. I just cried.
I don’t know what to do with all that I’m feeling other than to just push forward. Why didn’t someone try and say something to me earlier? Am I that unapproachable? I’ve really gone over the edge. I look gross. I really don’t look right. It’s not that I’m anti-fat … I’m not. It’s just that I’ve gone over some edge and I just don’t look right. I look ill. I really look ill. I guess my illness is seeping out. I can’t hide it looking like this.
I just want to hide. I don’t want to walk out of my apartment tomorrow. But I will. I’ll go on. Make no wonder some people look at me funny … I just look uncomfortable.
I want to snap my fingers and just look differently. I’ve lost about 35 lbs but big deal – I still look horrid. I need to stop beating myself up here – but at the same time I have to remember that photo and get my life back on track. I have to stop making excuses and continuing with my unhealthy eating habits. No more excuses – just that photo. I think I’ll keep it with me and everytime I want to binge just look at it. Not sure that will work because it just makes me feel bad and when I feel bad I eat – so I dunno.
I just know – I used to be pretty. Now I’m just pretty shocking.
The Ex
It’s been a rough day. Thoughts of my ex are running through my head and they’re pissing me off.
I ran across some stuff on the net where it talks about how wonderful he is at his job, about awards he’s won, about all the fabulous things he’s done in the past 15 years. Yada, yada. And when I say I “ran across” it I mean I was searching for it in the wee hours of the morning because I couldn’t sleep.
Anyway, there’s a part of me that thinks it’s great that he’s doing well, that he’s doing good work helping others and that he’s enjoying the work he does.
The other part of me is angry. I’m pissed that he’s accmplished stuff in the past 15 years and I haven’t. How come my life stalled and his flourished? Is all that stuff he thought about me true? Was I just some kind of dead-weight in his life? He never actually said those words, but that’s how I feel now.
He was never happy with me. He never loved me. I’m not sure he was ever happy unless he was getting validation from other people … people telling him how wonderful he was. He loved that. I guess that’s what has encouraged him to do well and reach the top of his profession.
I hate that he owns a house, a new car, has a great profession, makes good money, has a pension, life insurance, savings, paid holidays, and on and on. All those things that I no longer have. All those things that I lost about 15 years ago when I left my job of 13 years, my pension, my security to follow him to a new city.
Now I fight pay day to pay day. I live in a crappy little apartment and my 17 year old car is about to die any day now. I don’t have a good paying job, I don’t have a pension, I don’t get paid sick days or paid holidays, I have no savings, can’t get insurance. It makes me so mad. It infuriates me.
So why am I mad and who am I really mad at?
I dunno. I’m probably a little bit mad at him and at me. Maybe it’s easier to focus my anger at him. Mostly at times like this I really hate him and I’m angry that after our divorce I ended up in poverty. I know I’m responsible for that as I’m the one who made many dumb decisions, but at the same time, we had a plan and he pulled out of that plan mid way. Eventhough we weren’t happy I stuck it out and did what I was supposed to do as a partner in the marriage – he didn’t. He looked elsewhere and “fell in love”. He took all that he had and went on and prospered. I was left behind dazed and hurt and spiraled down to a place where I wasn’t able to even think let alone make decisions.
Who’s fault is that? I dunno. Mine, I guess.
Doesn’t make how I feel now any easier.
The thing is, he had someone after the separation and divorce to lean on. He had “her”. He was “in love” and felt invincible. He could go on and do good, climb the ladder of his profession with her there by his side helping him all the way – and they were so in love how could they fail? It’s like a romantic novel.
Where was I? I was on the floor devastated. I was left behind thrown away like a piece of fucking garbage. Much like the fucking garbage I now collect. It’s fucking twisted.
I was a nice person back then. I guess I’m still nice now, but back then I really was. I was so sweet, and pretty and everyone liked me. I had lots of friends and did well at work and participated in a lot of things.
I didn’t deserve what he did to me.
It’s not like I was a mean or horrible person. Not that a mean or horrible person deserves to have life pulled out from under them, but still…I really always tried to be so nice.
I guess I was shocked that anyone would do something so mean to me. Everyone was always so nice to me.
It really hurt.
It still hurts.
And now all I can do is sit here and be angry and hurt and cry.
Big deal, life’s not fair. Like I’m the only person on the planet to know that.
Well, actually right now I don’t care about anyone else. All I know is that I’m really hurt. I’m really sad. And I don’t know what to do about it. Mostly, I just wish I could stop crying.
I was talking to someone about this today. Someone who knew me then and knows me now. I’ve changed so much. She asked me how I think I’ve changed and I said, “I’ve given up on life” and that made me cry.
She agreed. She agreed that I have given up on life and she wished she could do something to make me see things differently because she thinks I have so much potential.
I don’t see it though.
I don’t see the potential. I just see the tears.
Happy Easter
I doubt it. I hate family get-togethers. Not ’cause I don’t have a nice family, I do. It’s just not my family, it’s my sister’s family. They’re great. They help me out all the time. Which just reminds me of what a loser I am though. I mean, I have to go for a family dinner but I owe both my sister and niece 200+ each for car repairs, and I need more repairs and can’t afford it. I don’t even wanna face them. So I’d like to give my niece at least 100 today, but I know that only leaves me with 80 until 2 pays from now. That’s pretty much a month. I can’t do it. I’m an idiot.
That picture pretty much says how I’m feeling now as I get ready to go over there. I guess I’m doing that in my head, I’m crying right now. But by the time I get over there no one will even know that I’m upset or sad. It will be fun and no one will know I just wanna die.
