Stopped Moaning & Did Something
Yep, lol.
Hey, moaning can be good at times but at some point ya just gotta stop it and do something. Which is what I did today. Reluctantly, for sure. But I did get up and go to meditation this morning and then on the way home stopped and bought healthy food, then went for a nice long walk. And here I am now in my same crappy life and apartment … but feeling better. Funny how that works.
It’s not rocket science and it’s not like I haven’t said all this before here in this blog … but getting out of this place and doing something as simple as going for a walk can improve my mood immensely.
Especially when this is within minutes of my home. Hard to figure out why I don’t go there more often.
Sitting there and listening to the soft sounds of the water is so relaxing and peaceful. Plus it’s a glorious Fall day with beautiful colours … the trees are gorgeous right now.
I did something else that is having a strange effect, I think positive. I took some photos of myself, just head shots, with my digital camera and really looked at myself. It’s weird that when I think I’m smiling … I’m not. It’s strange! But I feel like I have a happy face on and I look really sad. So I was practicing looking happy, lol. It got a bit funny, but the reality is when my face is just relaxed and “normal” I look either angry or sad … really sad. I’ve been told this before, but it was an interesting experiment to look at the photos.
I practiced how it felt to have my face look normal without looking sad and without looking “crazy” happy … haha. It was an effort to hold the muscles in my face up. When I do it I feel like I have a funny look on my face, but the reality is I look nice when I do that. So … I saved one of the nice photos of me as my desktop. And is it ever having a weird effect. I used to have a nice photo of a tree there, but now it’s me … sitting on my couch … looking back at me … sitting on my couch! lol
Anyway, it’s working as a good reminder that I have to kind of “lift” my face a bit when I’m out and about … and it’s also making me like me more. I mean, when I see the face on my computer screen … it’s an odd feeling. I like the girl looking back at me. She’s not so bad. I’m hoping it will help me to be more kind to myself.
The other thing is … it’s just weird looking at photos of me. I don’t have that many and the ones I do have are kind of posed. So it was interesting to see “me”. To really look at what I look like, and see what others see. I took a bunch of them, some good … some awful. But it’s all me and really … that’s how others see me every day. They’re just photos of my face though, I couldn’t get a full-length one. Not sure I’m ready for that yet. But I really just wanted to focus on my face, my eyes. What I project to the world.
The most surprising thing is that it’s made me realize that it’s easy to trash “me” when I don’t see me. But when I put a face to “me” … well, it’s a lot harder to be mean to me. If that makes any sense. It’s kind of startling, actually, to shrink the screen down and see into my own eyes. It makes me want to take care of her and I have compassion for her. Her being me. It’s a very strange feeling!
Maybe you should try it.
Feeling Angry
So now my mood has switched to anger. Frustration and anger. My life isn’t how I want it to be and to get it to the way I want will take some astronomical maneuvers. And just the thought of what I have to do is wearing me down. I know I need to break it all down into little steps but that’s just so frustrating. Perhaps I’m just putting up road blocks, but to be honest … the little steps are exhausting and there’s even some financial issues involved that stop me.
I just wish I could close my eyes and open them again and have the living space I want. Have the car I want. Have the life I want.
I know practically everyone out there wishes they could do that. And I know it’s not a reality.
Anyway. Just the thought of all the steps, and the fact that I’m stuck here right now … it’s all making me angry. I sure hope I’m not feeling this way tomorrow. I guess some would say I’m responsible for my mood, but most times it doesn’t seem that way.
I hope I do a few things tomorrow so that I don’t feel like I wasted my weekend yet again this week. That all gets exhausting too.
I did my budget the other day … that’s probably adding to my anger. No matter how ya slice it, I’m living in poverty and that’s not going to change any time soon for a vast variety of reasons. I’m just coming out of my 2nd bankruptcy and due to health issues I can’t change my job right now. So … I’m stuck. I’m lucky in one way that I have a job but … I still feel kinda stuck.
Anyway. Anger, anger, anger. It’s not propelling me forward this time, it’s just making my heart beat faster and it’s making me breath heavier … and just making me really frustrated and anxious. Not pleasant.
And it’s 12:30 or something in the morning. I’ve been falling asleep around 5am lately … then getting up and going to work which for me starts at 11am. The weird sleeping and lack of sleep is not helping me I know.
Okay – that’s it for that bitching.
I just wanted to track my mood in hopes that it will help me in the long run. I actually think it will help me eventually.
OnLine Addictions
Way back in 1999 when I got my first computer, and first logged on to the internet – I got addicted. I was staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning in a chat room. It was crazy. All the people I met in there were like my best friends. About 5 months later it all came crashing down. I thought I was lucky because I got out within a relatively short period of time. But it was an intense period of time for me and when it started to fizzle out I was really lost. I was hurt. It was very emotional. All those people meant a lot to me. They were real. I even thought I was in love at one point. Some of the people in the chat room met in real life, I never did which was probably a good thing because most of the stories I heard turned out less than expected. Peoples hopes were dashed and it ruined their online life. And in some cases even ruined their real lives.
Anyway, I unplugged just before Christmas 1999 and didn’t turn my computer on until 2005. But I’d only go on for email or to do searches once in a while. I tried online dating for a few months – but that didn’t work so I basically logged-of again.
Then in 2007 I started a blog. A fun blog, not this one – lol. It was quite popular but it got a bit overwhelming for a lot of different reasons, and ultimately I ended up feeling empty. Maybe I was still just looking for attention or something, or friendships – not sure. But it didn’t feel real anymore so I started this one which I don’t advertise anywhere and I don’t promote. It really is for me. I guess I could write all this in a book somewhere or on my computer and not post it … but I do post it and I do appreciate the feedback I get. But that’s not the main point of this blog. And I’m not addicted to this blog like I was with the other one, or like I was with the chat rooms.
But now I have facebook and it’s becoming a problem.
I first opened up a FB page under a fake name to get the hang of it. Then I opened one under my real name and have a few friends and family as “friends”, most of whom don’t live any where near me so it is a nice way to keep in touch. I do have a couple of friends I used to work with who live near by on there but to be honest, I’d prefer not to keep in touch with them. We keep saying we’re going for coffee but never do.
Since all the people on my real page don’t play the games or whatever, I created another fake page where I could play the games without any one knowing.
Why?
Well, I got addicted to all the games and didn’t want to have that on my real page where people could see. So like all good addicts I hid my addiction. I have 4 fake FB pages now. It’s getting a bit out of control to be honest. It’s kinda funny, but not really.
At first I told myself I was doing it to relax at the end of the night, and that’s true – that’s what I was doing. Then I found myself going to it during work and not getting stuff done. Next thing I was staying up until 4am playing games. I’m not interacting with anyone on there – just have lots of friends who are obviously also addicted to the games.
I don’t know what to do. I enjoy it and wish I could go back to using it like I did in the beginning. But now on a Monday night I realize that I wasted all weekend glued to the computer.
The last couple of weekends I went out, spent time with family and was busy. It felt nice. I didn’t want to go out at first because my apartment is a mess (of course) but I decided that I should stop punishing myself and go out and have fun. Which was a good decision. But then weeks went by and my apartment didn’t improve and now here I am in the middle of September stuck again. So rather than go out and have fun this weekend I stayed in behind closed curtains playing on FB. I didn’t even buy groceries. Just junk food. Now I’m broke because that stuff can be expensive. And I did that right after my last post where I said I spent money wisely, lol. I was doing really well with my grocery budget actually, but I’ve blown it now.
I don’t know what to do. I’m a bit unmotivated again. I know there will be a smoke detector inspection in the apartment sometime this month – that’s why I wanted to take last month to get things in order. I got started but never moved past the first few steps.
All of this wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t hate the way my life is right now. I want to have a bed, and a bedroom. I want to have a fridge with some food in it. I want to have a normal apartment!
I want, I want. But I never DO anything to get what I want.
Maybe if I post this and re-read it later it will motivate me – that’s worked for me in the past, so here’s hoping.
I really need to do something. It’s at a critical point now.
A New Day
Wow – what a night. Here it is almost 5pm and I haven’t been to sleep yet. As mentioned in my 2 previous posts … I stayed up all night and wow – what progress I made.
Thank you Melinda for your comment – I read it around 2am and it really helped to boost my self-esteem and inspire me to keep going. I really appreciated that.
I’m really so proud of myself. I did everything as I planned and I was showered and ready around 8:30 am. As it turned out – no one even came into my apartment! Kinda funny but not really. I’m pretty exhausted and ultimately glad no one came in – but I’m grateful for the scare. I know me and I know I would not have made this much progress on my own. I needed that push.
When I first saw the note letting me know people would be coming in – I was terrified and a little grateful but really too terrified to feel grateful. What I mean is, there was a part of me way down deep (maybe the real me) who was happy I was getting this push – because without it I know I’d continue to doddle along – not making a lot of progress.
But now …. wow, progress plus, plus!
I’m so happy with how my place looks right now. And when it was all done and I was sitting on the couch watching tv I saw a commercial for some new show about hoarders – sigh. It made me cry a little to be honest. Not sure I’ll be watching it.
Anyway – for the first time since I moved in 3 years ago I now have an actual livingroom and dining room area. It feels so GREAT! And it’s clean. There are a few things that need to be organized, like my books, etc., but other than that … it’s so nice and tidy.
My furniture is old and I have blankets over them – so it’s not really the living space I want but it’s mine and it’s clean. As I looked around I kind of felt like I was in someone else’s home. I think that’s because when I divorced I got rid of all my stuff – well most of it. I got rid of all the “things” that were “me” and now here I am in this mish-mash of stuff that’s not really mine. It’s odd. But I have a huge sense that I want to make this place mine and I think that’s a good thing.
My kitchen and bathroom are clean – more clean than I’ve seen them in years. It was a joy having a shower this morning and getting out and drying my hair – wow, it really was a joy.
My hallway is still lined with boxes – but I feel empowered to dismantle them more so than I have since moving here.
My bedroom is a MESS! The door is closed and I’m going to keep it that way for the rest of the day. Why open it and upset myself right now. One thing is for sure – I’m motivated to clean it up. And to be fair – it’s not that bad. It’s in better shape than it was a week ago so that’s progress.
The dumpsters are outside right now because it’s garbage day tomorrow – otherwise I’d take the few garbage bags I have left (in my bedroom) and throw them out. In the end I put 3 or 4 in there because I didn’t feel I had time to take them downstairs before 9am today – and then the dumpsters were moved so I have to wait until tomorrow now.
It’s a weird feeling knowing that I only have a few bags of garbage in my apartment – lol. It’s weird! It’s a good weird though!
Anyway – it really is a new day.
And I think I’ve created an interesting side-effect … by staying up all night I think I may have re-set my internal clock, so I’m hoping for a more normal sleep tonight – we’ll see. Also, my cats are so freaking happy it’s making me smile … even laugh out loud a few times!
I’m feeling extremely tired right now … but also grateful. Grateful that I let myself be the adult I know I am. It’s a nice feeling. Being a helpless child was comforting for many years but ultimately it was so destructive for me.
Right now – I’m satisfied. Relieved. Happy. Empowered.
Yay me 
Present, Past, Future … Whatever
I always hear that living in the present is the best. Living in the past is dwelling and doesn’t get you anywhere. And why worry about the future when it hasn’t happened yet.
That’s what I always thought.
But I watched a brief presentation (can’t remember where as I’ve been watching a lot lately) where the presenter stated that it’s better to be future oriented … goal oriented. Because that way you’re working toward something and … in my interpretation of it, you can do the things you have to do in the present, maybe things you don’t want to do, because it will lead to something … hopefully something good.
One of the studies sited was the one where kids are put in front of a marshmallow (ever see this? I saw it years ago on a documentary). Anyway, they’re told not to eat the marshmallow but to wait and if they wait until the person comes back in the room they’ll get 2 marshmallows. About two-thirds of the kids eat the marshmallow … immediate satisfaction. Well I guess years later they went back and interviewed the kids and those that waited and didn’t eat the marshmallow … and then got 2, did better in school, on SATs etc.
Immediate gratification. That’s my life. And this presentation I watched earlier today made me realize that I live too much of my time in the present.
Like this weekend. I’ve been enjoying myself, just doing nothing – not showering, not going out, not cleaning-up, not organizing my life. I just hung around doing stuff I like – eating, sleeping, reading, watching TV, surfing the net. Maybe it sounds like heaven to busy people, but by Sunday night it leaves me anxious, angry and defeated.
I didn’t do anything that will make my life easier next week. I’ll have to fumble through my week yet again. Looking for stuff. Everything all mixed up. But given 2 days to sort some stuff out I chose to sit and ignore it all and be in the moment of pleasure. Not taking into consideration the future consequences.
Same with my eating. Why deny the pleasure now? I’ve never been able to make that connection that these pleasures I’m partaking in now will have serious and detremental effects on me in the future.
I realized this about 18 years ago. 18! But basically forgot about it, or ignored it, until today when I saw this video presentation. The presentation itself wasn’t that good…which is one reason why I can’t find it again now. But that’s not what’s really important here. What’s important is that I need to adjust the way I look at the things I do. I need to make the connection that doing something now will have a positive (or negative) effect on me in the future.
Goals have never been my friend. I’ve never been goal oriented. My brain doesn’t even seem to think that way. It never occurs to me to make a plan. To be honest, it’s hard to even figure out what steps to take.
Anyway. Here it is about 8:30 on a Sunday night. I spent most of yesterday recovering from my stressful week. I have to say, I was tired, sore, in pain, my stomach was out of control and my head was aching. I couldn’t focus and felt really foggy. That was Saturday.
Today I was up around 9am but then fell back asleep until about 3pm. Waste. Now I’m sitting here anticipating the panic that will soon grip me because I’ll realize Monday is coming and I’ll have to go to work and I don’t want to. And I’ll start freaking out that I didn’t do anything in my apartment and be upset about the state of chaos and mess. Then I’ll be so stressed I’ll be unable to sleep and ultimately be late for work. I’ll wake up and be terrified to get out of bed. Yes … terrified.
That’s how I feel in the mornings. Terrified. Terrified to greet the day. I envy those people who wake with the wonder of what the day will bring. People who welcome the day. I’ve never been like that. I’ve never felt that way in the morning not even when I was a child. Waking from my wonderful slumber was always sad and scary to me. My dream world was where I wanted to stay. The real world was too mean and hard … and made me sad and scared.
Here I am47 and still reacting to the world in the same freaking way.
Why?
I don’t know.
The Ex
It’s been a rough day. Thoughts of my ex are running through my head and they’re pissing me off.
I ran across some stuff on the net where it talks about how wonderful he is at his job, about awards he’s won, about all the fabulous things he’s done in the past 15 years. Yada, yada. And when I say I “ran across” it I mean I was searching for it in the wee hours of the morning because I couldn’t sleep.
Anyway, there’s a part of me that thinks it’s great that he’s doing well, that he’s doing good work helping others and that he’s enjoying the work he does.
The other part of me is angry. I’m pissed that he’s accmplished stuff in the past 15 years and I haven’t. How come my life stalled and his flourished? Is all that stuff he thought about me true? Was I just some kind of dead-weight in his life? He never actually said those words, but that’s how I feel now.
He was never happy with me. He never loved me. I’m not sure he was ever happy unless he was getting validation from other people … people telling him how wonderful he was. He loved that. I guess that’s what has encouraged him to do well and reach the top of his profession.
I hate that he owns a house, a new car, has a great profession, makes good money, has a pension, life insurance, savings, paid holidays, and on and on. All those things that I no longer have. All those things that I lost about 15 years ago when I left my job of 13 years, my pension, my security to follow him to a new city.
Now I fight pay day to pay day. I live in a crappy little apartment and my 17 year old car is about to die any day now. I don’t have a good paying job, I don’t have a pension, I don’t get paid sick days or paid holidays, I have no savings, can’t get insurance. It makes me so mad. It infuriates me.
So why am I mad and who am I really mad at?
I dunno. I’m probably a little bit mad at him and at me. Maybe it’s easier to focus my anger at him. Mostly at times like this I really hate him and I’m angry that after our divorce I ended up in poverty. I know I’m responsible for that as I’m the one who made many dumb decisions, but at the same time, we had a plan and he pulled out of that plan mid way. Eventhough we weren’t happy I stuck it out and did what I was supposed to do as a partner in the marriage – he didn’t. He looked elsewhere and “fell in love”. He took all that he had and went on and prospered. I was left behind dazed and hurt and spiraled down to a place where I wasn’t able to even think let alone make decisions.
Who’s fault is that? I dunno. Mine, I guess.
Doesn’t make how I feel now any easier.
The thing is, he had someone after the separation and divorce to lean on. He had “her”. He was “in love” and felt invincible. He could go on and do good, climb the ladder of his profession with her there by his side helping him all the way – and they were so in love how could they fail? It’s like a romantic novel.
Where was I? I was on the floor devastated. I was left behind thrown away like a piece of fucking garbage. Much like the fucking garbage I now collect. It’s fucking twisted.
I was a nice person back then. I guess I’m still nice now, but back then I really was. I was so sweet, and pretty and everyone liked me. I had lots of friends and did well at work and participated in a lot of things.
I didn’t deserve what he did to me.
It’s not like I was a mean or horrible person. Not that a mean or horrible person deserves to have life pulled out from under them, but still…I really always tried to be so nice.
I guess I was shocked that anyone would do something so mean to me. Everyone was always so nice to me.
It really hurt.
It still hurts.
And now all I can do is sit here and be angry and hurt and cry.
Big deal, life’s not fair. Like I’m the only person on the planet to know that.
Well, actually right now I don’t care about anyone else. All I know is that I’m really hurt. I’m really sad. And I don’t know what to do about it. Mostly, I just wish I could stop crying.
I was talking to someone about this today. Someone who knew me then and knows me now. I’ve changed so much. She asked me how I think I’ve changed and I said, “I’ve given up on life” and that made me cry.
She agreed. She agreed that I have given up on life and she wished she could do something to make me see things differently because she thinks I have so much potential.
I don’t see it though.
I don’t see the potential. I just see the tears.
