MyBlueFunk

I sometimes wonder why my husband had to leave me when he did. I dunno really.  I rarely think about it on one hand and I often think my left-over feelings keep me stuck in that moment on the other.

In many ways I’m still stuck back then … way back then. He left me 13 years ago. Holy crap – when I type it out like that it’s a lot. I had to add it up (or subtract it) in my head, lol.  If ya goatta do math then it’s a lot of years – ha!

In many ways I’m glad I’m no longer with him. I never really loved him. I think I thought I did at one time – but I realize now that I never did. Never even knew him, really.

And that girl I was back then … ahhh. Yeah … didn’t really like her much.  As much as I dislike myself now I disliked her more. That’s progress I guess.

LOL

Don’t know why but this particular subject isn’t depressing me. Probably should but it isn’t.

Probably because I’ve thought it to death in many respects. Got therapy. Been there, done that, got the anti-depressants to prove it … or something like that.

Actually, when he left me 13 years ago I was devastated – no doubt about it and no kidding about it either. It was horrible.

But as the years went by it was less and less horrible and I realized that I had been living in a weird denial during our 10 year marriage.

Hard to believe we stayed together that long.

Damn. It really was a past life.  I remember hearing people use that term about their past, “a past life”. It’s very true. I don’t even recognize that person I was back then. She certainly wouldn’t recognize me. I’m sure she’d be shocked and saddened to think about becoming me.  And here I am shocked and saddened to think about how I was.

That’s odd.

I’m sure that thought will noodle it’s way through my head for days now. HA!

Anyway – I heard a song that brought me back to those years. He did hurt me. Cheated on me. I don’t like thinking of myself as the woman who was cheated on. But – it did happen, of course it doesn’t define who I am as a person.

About 3 or 4 years after my divorce – that’s when my life really spun out of control. I ended up unemployed, broke and homeless. Not living on the street, mind you, but still unable to afford the basics in life – food and shelter.  I had to depend on family. That was humiliating. It was a comfort and I was grateful for their help – still am. But it was humiliating – still is.

I’m on my feet more now. I think I’m afraid to stand on my own completely. Last time I did that I fell big time.

Hmmm.

Now I’ve given myself 2 things to noodle about in my brain.