A Beautiful Day
Yes it was. Other than some silly work annoyances, it was a beautiful day. I didn’t get much sleep last night, as my previous post states … but I did get some. That’s more than I usually get when I do the all night clean-up thing. And I didn’t feel rushed at the end, I was done in plenty of time and there was no last minute panicked rush. No real anxiety at all.
It’s so nice to have all this wonderful clean floor space. And there’s a lot of it! And usually that kind of freaks me out, but not this time. This time it’s different for the first time. I’m actually quite enjoying all the openness, and open space. Normally after I clean out all the stuff I’ve hoarded I have a sense of loss, but also a sense of being unnerved by the space. But not this time. Yay!
I’m totally enjoying today and this feeling. I’m kind of sore from all the hard work, lol … but that will wear off and it’s good for me anyway. I’m also tired from the lack of sleep but I’ll be going to bed (or couch) a bit earlier tonight and that’s also good for me. My success even has me looking forward to cleaning out the bedroom and actually getting a new mattress. Oh to actually sleep in a bed! I haven’t done that in almost 3 years … maybe more. And I was in the bedroom yesterday sort of cleaning it out – and it wasn’t as scary as it was previous times. I think that I’m making some good progress here and I’m proud of myself for that.
Heck, even the cats seem really happy! They seem more relaxed and have been enjoying all the extra space as well. Anyway, knowing they’re happier also makes me happy although to be honest, they are very well taken care of – I don’t hoard animals so that’s a good thing. And they’re always well fed, clean, brushed, all that stuff, etc.
I did, unfortunately, have some weird work stuff happen today – but I handled it well. Or, I guess I should say better than I usually do. It caused me a little anxiety. The thing is, when it was happening I recognized how I was feeling. I was a little negative at first and I feel bad about that, but then I explained my uncertainty or concern that perhaps some of the choices being made weren’t the correct ones – and I had some agreement from others so that made me feel good, and like I wasn’t the only one thinking people were making a big elaborate deal out of something simple. It was all professional and I think ultimately it’s going to work out okay. Not the way I’d do it – but I think some people make elaborate plans when something more simple would do because they have the need to feel over-worked and in control. That’s their deal, not mine. And while it’s not exactly the same, I kind of do that in my personal life … I don’t need to do it at work as well, ha!
So. There ya have it. I did it. And like I said in the previous post, it didn’t take as long because I had kept my place in much better condition since my last big clean up. So that’s a positive sign and I feel really good about that!
It’s all good. 
Update: I seem to be big on updates lately, lol. But it’s almost 10pm and I’m sitting here thinking … “wow, I’m not all stressed. I feel like I have nothing to do. Like I have lots of time and not rushed.” And the weird thing is, other nights of the week are exactly the same, I don’t have things I have to do, no responsibilities. And I’m usually just sitting here on the couch watching TV or surfing the net. So really, I’m not doing anything different tonight than I do any other night, it’s just that having the place all cleaned-out and tidy has really taken a huge burden off me. I don’t think I really articulated that before. So that’s why I thought it was important to do the update. I feel relaxed. Light. Like I don’t have some impending doom hanging over my head. I mean, if someone knocked on my door now I wouldn’t panic. I’d just open the door. And if the landlady had to come in for some emergency reason, I’d just let her in. What a huge sense of relief! It’s important I write about these feelings. It’s important for me to remember down the road when I’m avoiding stuff and hoarding stuff again. I mean, let’s face it, that’s going to happen again. It’s not like I’m cured or something, lol. And I hope this is helpful and hopeful for those who read this and are going through similar struggles. I mean – that’s really the beauty of blogging. Writing here is helping me … and hopefully reading this is helping someone out there.
Voice Mail Lost
It’s weird but I had been saving a couple of voice mail left by a man I was involved with several years ago. The other weird thing is I hadn’t listened to them for almost 3 years, but I just kept saving them.
Anyway, earlier today I accidentally deleted them and I’m a little mad about that … or sad. Not sure. Maybe both. But not sure why, like I said I haven’t even listened to them for 3 years. I think I just wanted to keep them as a memory. Just more proof that I like to save stuff. I don’t like getting rid of stuff, even voice mail from old lovers. Not that he was old, lol. You know what I mean.
Oh dear.
Maybe it’s a good thing. I mean I haven’t seen him since 2006. And I wasn’t in love with him. To be honest, I didn’t even know him that well nor him me. It was an affair. Made me feel alive at the time. Not sure what I was holding on to by keeping the messages. Maybe I just liked having a man’s voice there – but I never listened to them. Not sure what keeping them meant to me to be honest.
I just really wish I hadn’t deleted them.
Stopped Moaning & Did Something
Yep, lol.
Hey, moaning can be good at times but at some point ya just gotta stop it and do something. Which is what I did today. Reluctantly, for sure. But I did get up and go to meditation this morning and then on the way home stopped and bought healthy food, then went for a nice long walk. And here I am now in my same crappy life and apartment … but feeling better. Funny how that works.
It’s not rocket science and it’s not like I haven’t said all this before here in this blog … but getting out of this place and doing something as simple as going for a walk can improve my mood immensely.
Especially when this is within minutes of my home. Hard to figure out why I don’t go there more often.
Sitting there and listening to the soft sounds of the water is so relaxing and peaceful. Plus it’s a glorious Fall day with beautiful colours … the trees are gorgeous right now.
I did something else that is having a strange effect, I think positive. I took some photos of myself, just head shots, with my digital camera and really looked at myself. It’s weird that when I think I’m smiling … I’m not. It’s strange! But I feel like I have a happy face on and I look really sad. So I was practicing looking happy, lol. It got a bit funny, but the reality is when my face is just relaxed and “normal” I look either angry or sad … really sad. I’ve been told this before, but it was an interesting experiment to look at the photos.
I practiced how it felt to have my face look normal without looking sad and without looking “crazy” happy … haha. It was an effort to hold the muscles in my face up. When I do it I feel like I have a funny look on my face, but the reality is I look nice when I do that. So … I saved one of the nice photos of me as my desktop. And is it ever having a weird effect. I used to have a nice photo of a tree there, but now it’s me … sitting on my couch … looking back at me … sitting on my couch! lol
Anyway, it’s working as a good reminder that I have to kind of “lift” my face a bit when I’m out and about … and it’s also making me like me more. I mean, when I see the face on my computer screen … it’s an odd feeling. I like the girl looking back at me. She’s not so bad. I’m hoping it will help me to be more kind to myself.
The other thing is … it’s just weird looking at photos of me. I don’t have that many and the ones I do have are kind of posed. So it was interesting to see “me”. To really look at what I look like, and see what others see. I took a bunch of them, some good … some awful. But it’s all me and really … that’s how others see me every day. They’re just photos of my face though, I couldn’t get a full-length one. Not sure I’m ready for that yet. But I really just wanted to focus on my face, my eyes. What I project to the world.
The most surprising thing is that it’s made me realize that it’s easy to trash “me” when I don’t see me. But when I put a face to “me” … well, it’s a lot harder to be mean to me. If that makes any sense. It’s kind of startling, actually, to shrink the screen down and see into my own eyes. It makes me want to take care of her and I have compassion for her. Her being me. It’s a very strange feeling!
Maybe you should try it.
Feeling Angry
So now my mood has switched to anger. Frustration and anger. My life isn’t how I want it to be and to get it to the way I want will take some astronomical maneuvers. And just the thought of what I have to do is wearing me down. I know I need to break it all down into little steps but that’s just so frustrating. Perhaps I’m just putting up road blocks, but to be honest … the little steps are exhausting and there’s even some financial issues involved that stop me.
I just wish I could close my eyes and open them again and have the living space I want. Have the car I want. Have the life I want.
I know practically everyone out there wishes they could do that. And I know it’s not a reality.
Anyway. Just the thought of all the steps, and the fact that I’m stuck here right now … it’s all making me angry. I sure hope I’m not feeling this way tomorrow. I guess some would say I’m responsible for my mood, but most times it doesn’t seem that way.
I hope I do a few things tomorrow so that I don’t feel like I wasted my weekend yet again this week. That all gets exhausting too.
I did my budget the other day … that’s probably adding to my anger. No matter how ya slice it, I’m living in poverty and that’s not going to change any time soon for a vast variety of reasons. I’m just coming out of my 2nd bankruptcy and due to health issues I can’t change my job right now. So … I’m stuck. I’m lucky in one way that I have a job but … I still feel kinda stuck.
Anyway. Anger, anger, anger. It’s not propelling me forward this time, it’s just making my heart beat faster and it’s making me breath heavier … and just making me really frustrated and anxious. Not pleasant.
And it’s 12:30 or something in the morning. I’ve been falling asleep around 5am lately … then getting up and going to work which for me starts at 11am. The weird sleeping and lack of sleep is not helping me I know.
Okay – that’s it for that bitching.
I just wanted to track my mood in hopes that it will help me in the long run. I actually think it will help me eventually.
Happy Thanksgiving
It’s Thanksgiving Monday today. I’m sitting here looking over my blog and wondering about what I’m thankful for. That’s a tough one for me. I’m feeling a little down today and perhaps a bit negative. But I am thankful for my family – they’re great and we’re all very close. They’re supportive and despite all my complaining they really are there for me. Why do I complain so darn much anyway? I think I do that because I’ve been hurt in the past and that’s my way of protecting myself. But ultimately, without my family I’d be in a far worse state than I am now and I am thankful for them and their ongoing support and love.
I’m thankful I have my own apartment, such as it is. I’m thankful I’m able to pay my rent monthly. Which also means I’m thankful for my job, eventhough I’ve complained about that before too – haha. Well, I’m thankful I have a place to complain – if I didn’t have this blog I’d be keeping all that stuff inside and if last year was any indication – keeping stuff inside is very bad for me.
I’m thankful I’ve made positive changes in my life this year, especially since April. So eventhough I’m sitting here kind of sad today, I know that this sadness is just a fleeting thing. It doesn’t define me – it’s just a mood that will pass. In the big scheme of things my life is getting on the right track and I’m thankful for that.
She’s All Me
It’s been a totally weird weekend. In an emotional way. I did manage to get some stuff re-packed and into my new storage space, which was nice. But I have a lot more to do. I probably could have done more, I think sometimes I’m lazy or just unmotivated … and then I think, well I don’t really have a time-line and I’m only answerable to me … and life’s short so I might as well take a few breaks to enjoy the weekend as well.
I don’t know which is the right attitude. All I know is I did quite a bit this weekend but not as much as I hoped … yet more than I thought I would. Round and round my mind goes.
I found a lot of stuff I’d forgotten about. Old photos, notebooks, memories. It was hard at times. I had a few little cries but to be honest nothing really overly emotional. I’d shed a few tears and then just keep on going, or go out for some fresh air. I think in retrospect I probably did everything at the right rate – because it was what I could handle. And really that’s all I can do.
I spent some time looking at old photos of me – from when I was married. Who was that woman? I also found a few from an office party. I can’t even remember who those people are – so odd because at the time they seemed so important to me. Most of them – well their faces were unknown to me.
I think I wanted to keep all that stuff in boxes and restart my life. I didn’t want to go back or even acknowledge that woman, or girl … depending on which box I opened. Some of the boxes were from before I was married and still living at home with my parents.
I unpacked some nic-nacs and other items that had memories attached. It wasn’t as devastating as I thought it would be and in a way I kind of like re-integrating all those parts of me that I severed. There’s the little girl who was just a child, the young woman who lived at home with her parents, the young woman who lived with her husband, the devastated woman left behind by her husband, the woman who went over the deep end and planned her suicide, the wounded woman who couldn’t hold a job and had to be rescued by family. She’s all me.
She is all me and she’s not that different from the me now.
I found a journal from June 1999. It took my breath away. It was only me answering 3 questions my therapist had for me. What do I want to have? What do I want to do? What do I want to be?
What shocked me was I could have written it yesterday. The first thing I wrote for What I Want to Have … “A clean apartment. No garbage. Sanitized bathroom and kitchen. No clothes around. Everything in its place.”
The second thing I wrote … “The energy to do this”.
My goodness. That’s pretty much what this blog is all about and here it is 10 years later.
It was a little upsetting because it brought into focus how these past 10 years have been so hard for me. How I’ve been side-lined by this hoarding obsession, along with a lot of other things, and it’s stopped me from living my life fully. Maybe unpacking and bringing all these things back into my life is a much more positive move than I had anticipated.
I do feel like I am integrating all those parts of me back together again. I don’t think I separated them on purpose, or maybe I did. I think a part of me was too wounded to think about who I used to be. And I used to be so optimistic that I couldn’t bear to acknowledge that I lived my life with rose coloured glasses on.
I also had a bit of anxiety thinking that by bringing these things back into my life I was moving backwards. As if by packing up my life I was leaving it behind and moving forward. Of course I haven’t moved forward at all. But when I was putting out certain items I had this thought – what if my Ex showed up (that’s not going to happen) and saw all this old stuff – it would be as if I hadn’t moved forward. Of course by opening up these boxes and using the things in them doesn’t mean I want my husband back nor does it mean I want that old life back. It’s a bit confusing, to be honest.
But this weekend has been insightful. I’ve had lots of emotions but none of them over-took me. I’d be sad, angry, happy, content, frustrated, tired, anxious … you name it I felt it. But at least I felt it.
I hung a sun catcher on my door that I found. I don’t really remember when I bought it but I remember it was in several of my homes. I’ve been looking at it off and on all weekend. My first thought was to hang it right away. Not sure why, it’s nothing special and I don’t have any emotions attached to it. Then I thought, no don’t hang it – don’t bring “her” into here. Then I washed it off and hung it in the window in my door.
I like it.
And I like that I’m bringing little bits of “her” back into my life. She’s not so bad. She’s kind of nice actually. And … she’s me. All those women, girls, I packed up in those boxes … they’re all me. And I’m feeling ready to have all of her back into my life now.
