A Beautiful Day
Yes it was. Other than some silly work annoyances, it was a beautiful day. I didn’t get much sleep last night, as my previous post states … but I did get some. That’s more than I usually get when I do the all night clean-up thing. And I didn’t feel rushed at the end, I was done in plenty of time and there was no last minute panicked rush. No real anxiety at all.
It’s so nice to have all this wonderful clean floor space. And there’s a lot of it! And usually that kind of freaks me out, but not this time. This time it’s different for the first time. I’m actually quite enjoying all the openness, and open space. Normally after I clean out all the stuff I’ve hoarded I have a sense of loss, but also a sense of being unnerved by the space. But not this time. Yay!
I’m totally enjoying today and this feeling. I’m kind of sore from all the hard work, lol … but that will wear off and it’s good for me anyway. I’m also tired from the lack of sleep but I’ll be going to bed (or couch) a bit earlier tonight and that’s also good for me. My success even has me looking forward to cleaning out the bedroom and actually getting a new mattress. Oh to actually sleep in a bed! I haven’t done that in almost 3 years … maybe more. And I was in the bedroom yesterday sort of cleaning it out – and it wasn’t as scary as it was previous times. I think that I’m making some good progress here and I’m proud of myself for that.
Heck, even the cats seem really happy! They seem more relaxed and have been enjoying all the extra space as well. Anyway, knowing they’re happier also makes me happy although to be honest, they are very well taken care of – I don’t hoard animals so that’s a good thing. And they’re always well fed, clean, brushed, all that stuff, etc.
I did, unfortunately, have some weird work stuff happen today – but I handled it well. Or, I guess I should say better than I usually do. It caused me a little anxiety. The thing is, when it was happening I recognized how I was feeling. I was a little negative at first and I feel bad about that, but then I explained my uncertainty or concern that perhaps some of the choices being made weren’t the correct ones – and I had some agreement from others so that made me feel good, and like I wasn’t the only one thinking people were making a big elaborate deal out of something simple. It was all professional and I think ultimately it’s going to work out okay. Not the way I’d do it – but I think some people make elaborate plans when something more simple would do because they have the need to feel over-worked and in control. That’s their deal, not mine. And while it’s not exactly the same, I kind of do that in my personal life … I don’t need to do it at work as well, ha!
So. There ya have it. I did it. And like I said in the previous post, it didn’t take as long because I had kept my place in much better condition since my last big clean up. So that’s a positive sign and I feel really good about that!
It’s all good. 
Update: I seem to be big on updates lately, lol. But it’s almost 10pm and I’m sitting here thinking … “wow, I’m not all stressed. I feel like I have nothing to do. Like I have lots of time and not rushed.” And the weird thing is, other nights of the week are exactly the same, I don’t have things I have to do, no responsibilities. And I’m usually just sitting here on the couch watching TV or surfing the net. So really, I’m not doing anything different tonight than I do any other night, it’s just that having the place all cleaned-out and tidy has really taken a huge burden off me. I don’t think I really articulated that before. So that’s why I thought it was important to do the update. I feel relaxed. Light. Like I don’t have some impending doom hanging over my head. I mean, if someone knocked on my door now I wouldn’t panic. I’d just open the door. And if the landlady had to come in for some emergency reason, I’d just let her in. What a huge sense of relief! It’s important I write about these feelings. It’s important for me to remember down the road when I’m avoiding stuff and hoarding stuff again. I mean, let’s face it, that’s going to happen again. It’s not like I’m cured or something, lol. And I hope this is helpful and hopeful for those who read this and are going through similar struggles. I mean – that’s really the beauty of blogging. Writing here is helping me … and hopefully reading this is helping someone out there.
Clearing Cobwebs
It’s a good time of year to do that … with Halloween just around the corner.
I cleared some from my mind, my balcony and my apartment. I didn’t have actual ones in my apartment, but I did clear out 10 bags of garbage. As for my balcony, I’ve been having a battle with a spider for a couple of weeks but I think I finally convinced him to move. I’ve been really good at keeping the balcony clean and tidy since the spring … it’s been my oasis.
As for the cobwebs in my mind – I cleared those out with a 20 minute walk around the block at about 10pm last night. It was good. I didn’t do much all day but around 9:30 pm I simply decided to get up and take out some garbage. When I was done I felt like I needed some fresh air, so out I went for a walk. It felt good.
When I got home I got my lunch ready for tomorrow, which is unusual for me. I never fix a lunch, I usually buy something or skip it. Neither is a good thing. Although I don’t spend much for lunch, just a couple of dollars, it does add up. And skipping is just bad and makes me even more hungry when I get home. But the other day, after meditation, I bought all good stuff at the grocery store. So I’m happy about that.
I wish things were even more organized and clean – but it is what it is. And it is less cobwebby right now 
Stopped Moaning & Did Something
Yep, lol.
Hey, moaning can be good at times but at some point ya just gotta stop it and do something. Which is what I did today. Reluctantly, for sure. But I did get up and go to meditation this morning and then on the way home stopped and bought healthy food, then went for a nice long walk. And here I am now in my same crappy life and apartment … but feeling better. Funny how that works.
It’s not rocket science and it’s not like I haven’t said all this before here in this blog … but getting out of this place and doing something as simple as going for a walk can improve my mood immensely.
Especially when this is within minutes of my home. Hard to figure out why I don’t go there more often.
Sitting there and listening to the soft sounds of the water is so relaxing and peaceful. Plus it’s a glorious Fall day with beautiful colours … the trees are gorgeous right now.
I did something else that is having a strange effect, I think positive. I took some photos of myself, just head shots, with my digital camera and really looked at myself. It’s weird that when I think I’m smiling … I’m not. It’s strange! But I feel like I have a happy face on and I look really sad. So I was practicing looking happy, lol. It got a bit funny, but the reality is when my face is just relaxed and “normal” I look either angry or sad … really sad. I’ve been told this before, but it was an interesting experiment to look at the photos.
I practiced how it felt to have my face look normal without looking sad and without looking “crazy” happy … haha. It was an effort to hold the muscles in my face up. When I do it I feel like I have a funny look on my face, but the reality is I look nice when I do that. So … I saved one of the nice photos of me as my desktop. And is it ever having a weird effect. I used to have a nice photo of a tree there, but now it’s me … sitting on my couch … looking back at me … sitting on my couch! lol
Anyway, it’s working as a good reminder that I have to kind of “lift” my face a bit when I’m out and about … and it’s also making me like me more. I mean, when I see the face on my computer screen … it’s an odd feeling. I like the girl looking back at me. She’s not so bad. I’m hoping it will help me to be more kind to myself.
The other thing is … it’s just weird looking at photos of me. I don’t have that many and the ones I do have are kind of posed. So it was interesting to see “me”. To really look at what I look like, and see what others see. I took a bunch of them, some good … some awful. But it’s all me and really … that’s how others see me every day. They’re just photos of my face though, I couldn’t get a full-length one. Not sure I’m ready for that yet. But I really just wanted to focus on my face, my eyes. What I project to the world.
The most surprising thing is that it’s made me realize that it’s easy to trash “me” when I don’t see me. But when I put a face to “me” … well, it’s a lot harder to be mean to me. If that makes any sense. It’s kind of startling, actually, to shrink the screen down and see into my own eyes. It makes me want to take care of her and I have compassion for her. Her being me. It’s a very strange feeling!
Maybe you should try it.
Better Mood
My mood is a bit better today. I had a couple of great conversations with people at work – and I think just being out and interacting with people has help to lift my mood. Big surprise. I’ve known this for some time now – but when my mood is really down it’s hard to truly remember that bit of important info.
Anyway, I can still feel that “being stuck” feeling inside of me though, the one where I’m down. Very down. Not sure what it’s all about but I’m glad I had a good day and that I’m feeling better.
Happy Thanksgiving
It’s Thanksgiving Monday today. I’m sitting here looking over my blog and wondering about what I’m thankful for. That’s a tough one for me. I’m feeling a little down today and perhaps a bit negative. But I am thankful for my family – they’re great and we’re all very close. They’re supportive and despite all my complaining they really are there for me. Why do I complain so darn much anyway? I think I do that because I’ve been hurt in the past and that’s my way of protecting myself. But ultimately, without my family I’d be in a far worse state than I am now and I am thankful for them and their ongoing support and love.
I’m thankful I have my own apartment, such as it is. I’m thankful I’m able to pay my rent monthly. Which also means I’m thankful for my job, eventhough I’ve complained about that before too – haha. Well, I’m thankful I have a place to complain – if I didn’t have this blog I’d be keeping all that stuff inside and if last year was any indication – keeping stuff inside is very bad for me.
I’m thankful I’ve made positive changes in my life this year, especially since April. So eventhough I’m sitting here kind of sad today, I know that this sadness is just a fleeting thing. It doesn’t define me – it’s just a mood that will pass. In the big scheme of things my life is getting on the right track and I’m thankful for that.
Watching Hoarders on TV
Okay, so I’ve seen this advertised many times on TLC but purposely avoided it for a variety of reasons. I didn’t want to see hoarding treated as entertainment, or see any mocking like I’ve seen on Oprah and other shows, especially those “clean-up” shows. The total lack of understanding on some shows is horrifying and damaging to me. I hate when these teams come in and clean a hoarders house – that’s really not helpful. That’s like coming in and taking away all the alcohol from an alcoholics house … like that’s helpful.
Anyway … I’m sitting here and enjoying the way they’re portraying this horrible disorder. I guess “enjoying” is not the right word, but I’m finding it respectful and I like that. And I like how they’re not showing a bunch of easy answers and quick fixes. As anyone who hoards knows … it’s a long, long process.
I’m also finding it a bit helpful. It’s stressful, but helpful. Of course I’m in a healthier place emotionally right now so watching this show isn’t harmful for me. I don’t think I could have watched it a few months ago. But things have changed for me since then … and continue to change.
I hope all the people in the show find help. My heart really goes out to them. I respect them so much for going public with something that I know must be very difficult for them to share.
Not sure I’ll watch more episodes, hard to believe it’s an ongoing series. I’m surprised how many of us are out there – that’s a bit comforting to know.
I haven’t posted here in a long time but that’s because I’m quite busy in my real life. Unlike last year when I stopped posting – that was because I was retreating into a very damaging place. I’m not doing that now. I’m out and about on a fairly regular basis which has been good for me. I’m going to my weekly meditation classes and finding it to be very helpful. I’m also doing some more volunteer work which has been enjoyable. I’m not over doing it – I know not to push myself. I’ve found a pretty good balance in that one part of my life and that’s nice! And something I haven’t done in years! Yes, years!
Oh sure, I still have lots and lots and lots of other areas in my life to organize, lol. But … baby steps. As I keep reminding myself. Baby steps.
Update: I just read my previous post, I had forgotten all about that. Wow. I need to give myself a little pat on the back because I end that post saying I was at a critical point. Well, obviously I took those words to heart because I have made significant changes. I still go online but not as much. As I just said in this post, I’m going to weekly meditation classes and doing lots more outside my apartment. Wow. I just surprised myself! LOL That feels pretty good! Just when I thought all these little baby steps weren’t getting me anywhere – here’s proof they are. And just one more reason why I blog about this stuff!
