Happy Thanksgiving
It’s Thanksgiving Monday today. I’m sitting here looking over my blog and wondering about what I’m thankful for. That’s a tough one for me. I’m feeling a little down today and perhaps a bit negative. But I am thankful for my family – they’re great and we’re all very close. They’re supportive and despite all my complaining they really are there for me. Why do I complain so darn much anyway? I think I do that because I’ve been hurt in the past and that’s my way of protecting myself. But ultimately, without my family I’d be in a far worse state than I am now and I am thankful for them and their ongoing support and love.
I’m thankful I have my own apartment, such as it is. I’m thankful I’m able to pay my rent monthly. Which also means I’m thankful for my job, eventhough I’ve complained about that before too – haha. Well, I’m thankful I have a place to complain – if I didn’t have this blog I’d be keeping all that stuff inside and if last year was any indication – keeping stuff inside is very bad for me.
I’m thankful I’ve made positive changes in my life this year, especially since April. So eventhough I’m sitting here kind of sad today, I know that this sadness is just a fleeting thing. It doesn’t define me – it’s just a mood that will pass. In the big scheme of things my life is getting on the right track and I’m thankful for that.
A Good Day
Yep, had a good day, a very good one actually. Have a bit of a sunburnt nose, lol.
I’m glad I bought the new outfit, the jeans and new t-shirt actually look very nice on me and they were very comfy. Plus they were on sale so that’s just a bonus. It was nice to be out and about feeling young instead of feeling like I was wearing my mother’s clothes, ha.
Anyway – glad I made that decision. Now I even have plans for next weekend too, and looking forward to that as well.
I’m feeling tired right now, but it’s a good tired. Not the kind of tired I feel when I sit here fretting all day.
Not sure what I’ll do tomorrow. I don’t work Mondays so I’m lucky that way. I always plan to do stuff like clean & laundry, but as of this moment I don’t know what I’ll do and I have no plans. I’m just feeling good right now and will take tomorrow as it comes.
Saturday Again
I had a pretty good week. Everything was pretty “normal”. Now here I am on Saturday afternoon, almost 4pm … finally got up around 2:30 or so. It’s like I want to make myself feel bad for sleeping so late. Why? Who cares? It’s not like I had to be anywhere this morning. I know in the big scheme of things we’re suppose to get up in the morning and get on with the day – but I don’t do that so why don’t I just give myself a break about it.
Anyway, I have an offer to do some family stuff tomorrow, which is nice. But it’s making me anxious because to be completely honest … I don’t own any casual clothes. I’ve either thrown them out or they’re lost somewhere in the sea of chaos which is my living space.
So – to go I have to go buy some, which I can’t afford. But on the other hand, I could splurge a little and it would be nice to have something other than dress pants to wear. Whenever I go out I only have business casual…what I wear to work. I would like something casual. I had bought jeans about a year ago but they are too big for me now – a nice thing to have happen.
And then I think I don’t want to spend the money for something new because I am losing weight and pretty soon it won’t fit, like the jeans … but I know the reality is if I buy the right size it will fit me for about 6 more months, that’s not bad. And it’s summer … I want to wear casual summer clothes.
I dunno. I was at Pennington’s the other day and hated what I saw in the change room. It was like my stomach was some other entity. I know that sounds funny and exaggerated, but that’s how I felt at the time.
I’m still going to Weight Watchers. I gained last week, but I’ve lost close to 30. I had lost 33 then gained back 11 … now I’m down about 26 I think. I’ve been eating like a maniac all week this week so not sure how the weigh-in is going to go next week.
Okay-after typing all this I’ve decided I’m going to go tomorrow and go out today and look for some new outfit. If I don’t find one I won’t go tomorrow, but you know what? I think I need to “do” something. The idea of sitting in the middle of this chaos for the next 3 days is depressing. I know the reality is I probably won’t clean up – I’ve been living here 3 years and haven’t cleaned up so why am I about to deny myself a day of fun to sit here in the hopes that tomorrow will be the one day I do something different in my apartment? That’s just like some weird form of punishment to myself.
That’s it – I’m gonna get dressed (in my business casual garb) and head out to the store.
TGIF – You Better Believe It
What a freaking week. I know I probably am my own worst enemy at times and I probably made my week a lot more stressful than it needed to be.
My car is fixed and running again, thank goodness.
I really did have a huge freak-out with my family. All is calm now though. I’ve made my apologies as have they – and we’ve all talked about it and our behaviours. We’re pretty good that way once the dust settles.
The thing is, I’ve only been that openly upset with my family about 3 or 4 times in the past so when it happens it takes everyone by surprise, including me. Clearly we all need a better way of communicating and sharing our feelings.
I guess I was feeling especially vulnerable when help was offered and I perceived that as them thinking I was incapable of making good decisions and handling my own life.
I know that has a lot to do with the fact that in the past I have made a lot of bad decisions, especially when it comes to money, and I’ve suffered for it. So my reaction to them was really a reaction to myself. I mean, they were just trying to be helpful but I interpreted a whole bunch of other stuff to be in there – like they were jumping in to save me from myself. I don’t think that’s how they saw it but that’s how I interpreted it.
Clearly I have lots to work on. At the same time, my family is now more understanding of my feelings and that’s a good thing. They weren’t aware before of how sensitive this issue was with me.
Anyway, I can take a bit of a breather now. Even my landlady was really kind. She saw them towing my car and knew I was obviously having trouble. She’s fine with me paying the rest of my rent mid-month and to be honest, she was very nice about it all. Funny how I accepted her compassion as compassion and my family’s as something else.
People being nice to be is hard for me. I know that’s messed-up. But it’s true. Melinda made a good comment on my previous post about how it’s hard for her to ask for help as well and I totally get that. I’m always expecting ulterior motives – because that’s how it’s always been.
Plus I was always made to feel like asking for help was a sign of failure. And failure was the ultimate sin. Not being perfect – well ya might as well die.
Good grief.
Anyway, this episode really exhumed a lot of stuff about my personality. Stuff I really never, ever look at. So I guess that’s like a gift from the universe? That’s how I’m suppose to look at it I think.
Humility, pride, stubbornness. Those are all words that come to mind at the moment. All things that can be good or bad. I know I’m a very stubborn person but that has also served me well as it’s often kept me going in the past, but it can obviously have a negative effect as well.
I gotta say … my eyes are so swollen today. I look exhausted and have a mega headache. A lot of self-inflicted pain for sure … rather than continue with the negativity I’m going to try and learn something from all of this.
But for now … there’s a Star Wars weekend marathon happening on one of the networks so I’m going to watch it. I’m a total geek that way, lol. But I do love those movies and find them relaxing.
TGIF!
That Girl
For those of you old enough to remember the TV show, “That Girl” that isn’t what this post is about 
No, it’s about that girl I used to be. Although I did like the TV show back in the day. I always kind of thought that’s how adult life was suppose to be. I don’t think we were done any favours by the adults who kept life in the media so G-rated all the time though. Not that I like the way it is now any better, I could do without hearing songs on the radio about oral sex … that’s a bit much for me.
Anyway ….
As I waited for the elevator today when I left my apartment I stood there wondering where I was going. I really didn’t have any plans or have to go anywhere in particular.
I thought back to the girl I used to be. Where would she have gone? What did I do back in those days? I always seemed to be busy and happy … la de da.
I remembered how every Saturday I’d be out somewhere. It was just what I did. What “we” did. And by “we” I mean what my mom and I did when I was a young girl and then what my Ex and I did once we were together.
We’d go shopping, just looking around, go out to eat, hang out with friends or family, we’d go to some event going on in town. There’s always something to do somewhere.
No one in my family is a party person, so it was rare my ex and I would ever go to a club or party – although we did everyone once in a while. He enjoyed those kind of social get-togethers more than I did.
Back when we were married we hung out with a group of other young married couples – most of us didn’t have kids and we were all in our 20s. Back then people in their 20s were considered adults – lol.
So as I headed out today I just drove. I ended up a couple of towns over from where I live – it was nice. A great drive, 70s music on the radio, even stopped for a walk along the water. There were a few tears along the way but for the most part I put all my thinking aside and just enjoyed being out and about.
Now I’m home and trying to piece all of this emotional stuff together.
I’ve been thinking about my father a lot lately – which is odd because I never really liked the man. I have a lot of his personality in me though. One thing is he gave up easily. He gave up on life. I’ve done that too. I can see that clearly.
He was a very unhappy person. Sarcastic and bitter. Especially as he got older. He didn’t seem to like being around people – although when he was people liked him.
That’s the same with me. People like me. lol It always surprises me but they do.
I don’t think people really knew him. When I talked to all the people who came to his funeral it was like being introduced to a man I didn’t even know.
Then today I had a conversation with a cousin who went on and on about what kind of guy his uncle (my dad) was and it was like I didn’t even know who the hell he was talking about. I told him how I saw my father and he didn’t get it. He was like, wow – that doesn’t sound like him. I thought it was all kinda weird.
In my drive today I drove by the place where my father died. He was in a hospital at the time. It was kind of odd that I ended up there, I didn’t plan it. Well I did plan to drive on that road but only because it’s by the water and it’s very pretty – it didn’t dawn on me until I was driving past the hospital that that’s where I was and that’s where he died. I gave out this huge sigh as I realized it all. It felt like I exhausted something from me. Like a weight was lifted or something. Then I carried on with my drive and didn’t think about it again until now.
In many ways he wasted his life. He worked hard all his life, was a good provider – a very good one. But he didn’t seem to enjoy life much. Or maybe he did I just never saw that side of him. I’m thinking that may be more the case – that I really didn’t even know the guy.
I think I’m like a lot of the people on his side of the family. We’re all a little similar. Kind of angry, a little bitter … mostly internal people who can be charming when we have to be but can be quite surly with those we live with. And we hang on to things. Emotional things and physical things. Hoarding is probably genetic like a lot of other things. He was a bit of a bully too. I can be as well.
In a previous post where I talked about my ex I went on about how “nice” I was, and that I was such a nice person. That’s true, I was … but I also have this other side. I think I’m easily hurt so when others don’t live up to my expectations and especially if I perceive that as them hurting me – then I can be quite a bitch. I know how to go in for the kill.
Living alone that side of me doesn’t get unleashed to often. But it’s there. And it’s gotten worse over the years. That girl I was many years ago would be like that at times but it was more of a child-like thing.
Anyway, I also remembered that when I was married I did do a lot of things but I was also unhappy for much of my 10 year marriage. There’s no denying that.
So why do I often look back on those years with longing? I think in many ways it’s the financial thing. I’m so devastated financially that I’m having a hard time feeling positive.
I think if my home was more calming and welcoming then maybe the lack of finances wouldn’t seem so grim. I dunno.
I just feel very … empty.
I had to think about that, but I think that’s the word that best describes my emotional state.
Empty.
That girl I used to be would feel that way at times as well, but she was full of hope for the future. She was a bit more positive than I am now. Of course sometimes when I think about stuff she did I realize she was a bit of an idiot – so why am I using her as some sort of guide now? lol
I think I’m actually afraid of that girl.
I’m afraid that if she was to come forth now she’d be pissed at what I’ve done with her life.
So I keep her hidden. Hidden under all the food and all the stuff.
Layer upon layer I’ve been burying her for years now. And I’m afraid she’s like that donkey parable I wrote about … she’s now using those layers I threw upon her to bury her to rise up and free herself from the well I’ve kept her in all these years.
It’s a bit scary.
I’ve never really thought about it in that way before – but I do feel like I’m waking-up after a long deep sleep. So maybe that analogy is accurate.
I’m battling myself. There’s the part of me that just wants to keep going “as is” and the other part (the real part of me) that is tired of being buried.
It’s all very odd.
I need some air. Time to go hang on the balcony for a while. Clear my head. It’s a beautiful cool night.
The Ex
It’s been a rough day. Thoughts of my ex are running through my head and they’re pissing me off.
I ran across some stuff on the net where it talks about how wonderful he is at his job, about awards he’s won, about all the fabulous things he’s done in the past 15 years. Yada, yada. And when I say I “ran across” it I mean I was searching for it in the wee hours of the morning because I couldn’t sleep.
Anyway, there’s a part of me that thinks it’s great that he’s doing well, that he’s doing good work helping others and that he’s enjoying the work he does.
The other part of me is angry. I’m pissed that he’s accmplished stuff in the past 15 years and I haven’t. How come my life stalled and his flourished? Is all that stuff he thought about me true? Was I just some kind of dead-weight in his life? He never actually said those words, but that’s how I feel now.
He was never happy with me. He never loved me. I’m not sure he was ever happy unless he was getting validation from other people … people telling him how wonderful he was. He loved that. I guess that’s what has encouraged him to do well and reach the top of his profession.
I hate that he owns a house, a new car, has a great profession, makes good money, has a pension, life insurance, savings, paid holidays, and on and on. All those things that I no longer have. All those things that I lost about 15 years ago when I left my job of 13 years, my pension, my security to follow him to a new city.
Now I fight pay day to pay day. I live in a crappy little apartment and my 17 year old car is about to die any day now. I don’t have a good paying job, I don’t have a pension, I don’t get paid sick days or paid holidays, I have no savings, can’t get insurance. It makes me so mad. It infuriates me.
So why am I mad and who am I really mad at?
I dunno. I’m probably a little bit mad at him and at me. Maybe it’s easier to focus my anger at him. Mostly at times like this I really hate him and I’m angry that after our divorce I ended up in poverty. I know I’m responsible for that as I’m the one who made many dumb decisions, but at the same time, we had a plan and he pulled out of that plan mid way. Eventhough we weren’t happy I stuck it out and did what I was supposed to do as a partner in the marriage – he didn’t. He looked elsewhere and “fell in love”. He took all that he had and went on and prospered. I was left behind dazed and hurt and spiraled down to a place where I wasn’t able to even think let alone make decisions.
Who’s fault is that? I dunno. Mine, I guess.
Doesn’t make how I feel now any easier.
The thing is, he had someone after the separation and divorce to lean on. He had “her”. He was “in love” and felt invincible. He could go on and do good, climb the ladder of his profession with her there by his side helping him all the way – and they were so in love how could they fail? It’s like a romantic novel.
Where was I? I was on the floor devastated. I was left behind thrown away like a piece of fucking garbage. Much like the fucking garbage I now collect. It’s fucking twisted.
I was a nice person back then. I guess I’m still nice now, but back then I really was. I was so sweet, and pretty and everyone liked me. I had lots of friends and did well at work and participated in a lot of things.
I didn’t deserve what he did to me.
It’s not like I was a mean or horrible person. Not that a mean or horrible person deserves to have life pulled out from under them, but still…I really always tried to be so nice.
I guess I was shocked that anyone would do something so mean to me. Everyone was always so nice to me.
It really hurt.
It still hurts.
And now all I can do is sit here and be angry and hurt and cry.
Big deal, life’s not fair. Like I’m the only person on the planet to know that.
Well, actually right now I don’t care about anyone else. All I know is that I’m really hurt. I’m really sad. And I don’t know what to do about it. Mostly, I just wish I could stop crying.
I was talking to someone about this today. Someone who knew me then and knows me now. I’ve changed so much. She asked me how I think I’ve changed and I said, “I’ve given up on life” and that made me cry.
She agreed. She agreed that I have given up on life and she wished she could do something to make me see things differently because she thinks I have so much potential.
I don’t see it though.
I don’t see the potential. I just see the tears.
