Avoinding
I’m back to avoiding again. Some progress and then … plunk. That’s my pattern.
I’m feeling pretty defeated right now. I think it’s important to make note of this because I’m wondering if my moods have a pattern as well. Maybe I’ve been misdiagnosed with depression – I don’t know.
It’s weird, it’s not just my mood it’s how I feel about myself. Right now I feel like I can’t do anything. Really down, defeated, useless, incapable of anything at all. The reality is I know that’s not true – but that’s how I feel. I worry that this mood will show through at work again tomorrow. My last ‘down mood’ got me into a little trouble at work the last time. Not real trouble, it just made things kind of complicated and now I’m hoping to avoid any further “complications”. But when my mood is like this it’s hard for me to fake things. So, I hope I can fake things and be all “up” when I go in tomorrow.
Anyway, that’s it. I’m feeling down. Defeated. Bogged down in this chaos. I’ll have to take note of when it starts to change again. I started my period yesterday, perhaps that’s a factor as well – although I was starting to feel this way a few days ago. Now it feels pretty set-in.
When I avoid stuff it’s like I’m huddled inside of myself scared to death of something. It’s weird. So I just curl up on the couch and avoid. I don’t even go on line. I just get lost in my thoughts, fantasies or the TV. Sometimes I don’t even eat, which is really unusual for me. It can last for hours – just smothered in my mind. It can actually last for days, but the sitting and not moving – just kind of being like a zombie goes on for 8 to 12 hours at a time. It’s like I’m on my couch terrified to move.
Well, it’s all worth making note of. Not sure where it’s all going. Not sure if I get like this when I start to progress because there’s a part of me that’s afraid of moving forward in a positive way … don’t know if that’s it or not.
The weekend is over. I did nothing. I feel bad. Sad. Disappointed in myself. I’m not looking forward to the week ahead. Wish I could just stay inside my head forever. Well – that’s how I feel right now.
Debt
I have a lot of it. Well, I did before bankruptcy. I’ve had to declare bankruptcy twice. It’s not fun and the decision wasn’t made easily.
For the most part I’m back on track, altho I just found out today that I owe about 2,500 in back taxes for 2008. Will probably owe about that much for this year as well. So … by the time I come out of bankruptcy in the new year I’ll have a debt close to 5,000 dollars. Nice.
Why am I thinking of all this now? Well, last month I forgot about my car insurance, I haven’t done that in a long time. Anyway, the cheque bounced. It’s the first time I’ve bounced a cheque or had to put a stop payment on anything in years. And even before then I wasn’t one to bounce cheques. Heck I didn’t even have a chequing account for a long time.
Anyway … I go to cash my pay cheque today and there’s a new teller so she had to get authority to deposit my cheque and give me back 100 dollars cash. It’s pretty ordinary because she’s new, but it was a big problem because she said I had a hold on my account. I hadn’t had a hold on my account for years. Or maybe I did and they were just ignoring it because I hadn’t bounced any cheques. I dunno but it upset me. She had to go talk to her supervisor who took forever to make the decision. At one point I thought by their body language they weren’t going to do it.
It pissed me off. I mean I could go to a cheque cashing place and pay 20 bucks to cash my cheque and then come back and deposit cash. What the hell’s the difference. It’s stupid. And I was getting angrier. Then I felt the tears start to come. I had to turn away.
Finally the teller came back and said there was no problem and it was because she was new, but I also know it’s because of my credit rating. It’s just that before today I didn’t think there was a note on my account.
I took my cash and left. The tears were flowing by the time I got to the car.
I hate that feeling.
I hate being in bankruptcy.
I hate that my car is about to break down and I can’t get a different one, one that works better. And to top it off my car started making that knocking noise today of all days, after not doing that for months.
I dunno.
The thing is I don’t have anything. I don’t have nice things. Not that having nice things are important, but it would be nice to have half decent things … something to make my apartment feel like a home. Everything I did have prior to going into bankruptcy is long gone from when I was divorced like 14 or 15 years ago. My ex-husband didn’t have to declare bankruptcy but that’s because he found a good job with benefits and a pension. One he found because of his education that I helped him with and that I never benefited from. I worked my entire life. I left my job of 14 years with a pension and benefits (a government job) to relocate with him and then two months later he leaves me for another woman. Nice.
I don’t think about all that too often, or very much, but on days like this when I’m sitting here on the couch that once belonged to my parents I just feel sad. This stupid furniture is over 30 years old and falling apart. And I mean really falling apart. I don’t have a bed. Well I have one but it’s been destroyed and needs to be taken to the dump but that costs money so it sits in my room unusable. That’s a long story – too boring to share, but it’s just not usable. So I have to sleep on the couch.
I don’t have a nice home. I used to – but all that’s gone. He has a nice home. I was too devastated to really fight for anything at the time. He didn’t take stuff from me I just left it all. Plus I really didn’t want any of it – I wanted a clean break. And at the time I was naive enough to think that things would work out for me because I had always had a job. I’ve been working since I was 17. That’s 30 years and I don’t have a bed. It’s annoying.
I take responsibility for where I am, I’m just bitching right now. I know I made a lot of stupid financial decisions after my divorce that put me even deeper in debt. That I own. But it’s still frustrating. And today’s incident at the bank coupled with my tax info just threw it all back in my face big time.
Every month I’m so careful about what I do with my money. My rent is more that 50% of my income so it really doesn’t leave me with a lot. And I’m living in one of the cheapest apartments around. I know – I did the research. Plus I’ve moved around several times to save on rent but after a while that gets expensive because you have to factor in the cost of the move and all the set up fees for utilities, etc. But for what I pay in rent I’m actually in a nice building, it’s clean and there are no party animals – which is rare for a low rent building. Where I used to live it was a bit scary, to be honest. But when I think about the house I used to own when I was married – well there’s no comparison. And when I think about the fact the he owns a home … well … I can get pretty upset.
I’m trying to think calmly and focus now though. I mean I was upset but there’s not a lot I can do about anything. I finally have a good paying job, no benefits but the hours are good and the pay is okay. The work environment is better than previous jobs I’ve had. My apartment isn’t like my house, but it’s better than any other apartment I’ve ever lived in since my divorce, and there’s been quite a few. I don’t waste money. I don’t save any either. But I use what I have wisely. I’m not looking forward to having to pay my back taxes because that’s going to be difficult and probably take years to pay off. I don’t know how I’m going to afford it because right now I haven’t been able to renew my prescriptions this month – the pharmacist called twice to tell me they’re ready. But I haven’t had the money to pick them up until today, which was pay day. So for the past 10 days I’ve had no medication. That’s not good.
Anyway.
I know I’ve taken all the right steps to get things moving forward in a positive way. It’s just on days like this I realize how far I have to go and how many steps I have left to take to get myself back to where I was 20 years ago. But I can’t let the frustration and anger get to me.
That’s why I’m glad I have this blog to type it all out.
I’m still feeling a bit anxious but not as overwhelmed.
Baby steps. I just gotta keep moving forward slowly … taking positive baby steps.
Pretty Shocking
I just saw a full length photo of myself taken just a few days ago and I gotta say – it was shocking for me to see. I look horrid. I was in the new outfit I bought, the one I spoke of in an earlier post. I feel so good when I wear that t-shirt and jeans but I had no idea how awful I look. I’m so big. Obese. I just cried.
I don’t know what to do with all that I’m feeling other than to just push forward. Why didn’t someone try and say something to me earlier? Am I that unapproachable? I’ve really gone over the edge. I look gross. I really don’t look right. It’s not that I’m anti-fat … I’m not. It’s just that I’ve gone over some edge and I just don’t look right. I look ill. I really look ill. I guess my illness is seeping out. I can’t hide it looking like this.
I just want to hide. I don’t want to walk out of my apartment tomorrow. But I will. I’ll go on. Make no wonder some people look at me funny … I just look uncomfortable.
I want to snap my fingers and just look differently. I’ve lost about 35 lbs but big deal – I still look horrid. I need to stop beating myself up here – but at the same time I have to remember that photo and get my life back on track. I have to stop making excuses and continuing with my unhealthy eating habits. No more excuses – just that photo. I think I’ll keep it with me and everytime I want to binge just look at it. Not sure that will work because it just makes me feel bad and when I feel bad I eat – so I dunno.
I just know – I used to be pretty. Now I’m just pretty shocking.
3 Days Gone
I feel like I wasted the past 3 days. As usual. I blame it on my period, it really snuck up on me this month. Sounds stupid considering I’m almost 50, but still, I really wasn’t expecting it.
Anyway, I haven’t felt energetic and I ran out of supplies and when I went out today my car died. It all left me feeling overwhelmed. Maybe others can handle all that stuff happening at once but I can’t. I find it overwhelming and frustrating and rather than turn it all around into something good, or at least into something workable, I just end up feeling defeated.
I do have tomorrow off. But my mind is overwhelmed regarding my car. I just don’t know what to do. I looked up loans for people in my financial position and it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Given I’m just coming out of bankruptcy I really didn’t think a loan was even a remote possibility.
The thing is, I know I’d feel better if I did something but my energy level today was pretty much non-existent, eventho I got ready and went out. Because of my car dieing, I ended up having to walk to the store, which was no easy feat. I came home feeling very drained and just basically sad. Plus I had to go to a small store downtown which was way more expensive than if I had gone to the grocery store. Spending more money with my car in need of a tow and repair – not good.
Right now I’m just feeling defeated, once again. Angry, of course. But mostly defeated. Defeated by all the ridiculous stuff that rolls through my head. I did try and do some stuff but was too fatigued. I hate having a period and I wish it would just go away. It’s always been a huge problem for me, I’ve been on medication for it before but not lately as it’s so expensive. Being on it makes my life so much easier and makes my period normal, like most women experience it. The pain and the heaviness of mine are quite abnormal, according to doctors. That was actually nice to find out a few years ago because before that I had just thought I was weird – since no one else seemed to experience what I did.
But – that’s that. My weekend basically disappeared and I barely remember it. And now I’m anxious about how I’m going to get to work on Tuesday. I also have a bunch of decisions to make about my car tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to that. And then there’s just the usual crap to look forward to.
The Ex
It’s been a rough day. Thoughts of my ex are running through my head and they’re pissing me off.
I ran across some stuff on the net where it talks about how wonderful he is at his job, about awards he’s won, about all the fabulous things he’s done in the past 15 years. Yada, yada. And when I say I “ran across” it I mean I was searching for it in the wee hours of the morning because I couldn’t sleep.
Anyway, there’s a part of me that thinks it’s great that he’s doing well, that he’s doing good work helping others and that he’s enjoying the work he does.
The other part of me is angry. I’m pissed that he’s accmplished stuff in the past 15 years and I haven’t. How come my life stalled and his flourished? Is all that stuff he thought about me true? Was I just some kind of dead-weight in his life? He never actually said those words, but that’s how I feel now.
He was never happy with me. He never loved me. I’m not sure he was ever happy unless he was getting validation from other people … people telling him how wonderful he was. He loved that. I guess that’s what has encouraged him to do well and reach the top of his profession.
I hate that he owns a house, a new car, has a great profession, makes good money, has a pension, life insurance, savings, paid holidays, and on and on. All those things that I no longer have. All those things that I lost about 15 years ago when I left my job of 13 years, my pension, my security to follow him to a new city.
Now I fight pay day to pay day. I live in a crappy little apartment and my 17 year old car is about to die any day now. I don’t have a good paying job, I don’t have a pension, I don’t get paid sick days or paid holidays, I have no savings, can’t get insurance. It makes me so mad. It infuriates me.
So why am I mad and who am I really mad at?
I dunno. I’m probably a little bit mad at him and at me. Maybe it’s easier to focus my anger at him. Mostly at times like this I really hate him and I’m angry that after our divorce I ended up in poverty. I know I’m responsible for that as I’m the one who made many dumb decisions, but at the same time, we had a plan and he pulled out of that plan mid way. Eventhough we weren’t happy I stuck it out and did what I was supposed to do as a partner in the marriage – he didn’t. He looked elsewhere and “fell in love”. He took all that he had and went on and prospered. I was left behind dazed and hurt and spiraled down to a place where I wasn’t able to even think let alone make decisions.
Who’s fault is that? I dunno. Mine, I guess.
Doesn’t make how I feel now any easier.
The thing is, he had someone after the separation and divorce to lean on. He had “her”. He was “in love” and felt invincible. He could go on and do good, climb the ladder of his profession with her there by his side helping him all the way – and they were so in love how could they fail? It’s like a romantic novel.
Where was I? I was on the floor devastated. I was left behind thrown away like a piece of fucking garbage. Much like the fucking garbage I now collect. It’s fucking twisted.
I was a nice person back then. I guess I’m still nice now, but back then I really was. I was so sweet, and pretty and everyone liked me. I had lots of friends and did well at work and participated in a lot of things.
I didn’t deserve what he did to me.
It’s not like I was a mean or horrible person. Not that a mean or horrible person deserves to have life pulled out from under them, but still…I really always tried to be so nice.
I guess I was shocked that anyone would do something so mean to me. Everyone was always so nice to me.
It really hurt.
It still hurts.
And now all I can do is sit here and be angry and hurt and cry.
Big deal, life’s not fair. Like I’m the only person on the planet to know that.
Well, actually right now I don’t care about anyone else. All I know is that I’m really hurt. I’m really sad. And I don’t know what to do about it. Mostly, I just wish I could stop crying.
I was talking to someone about this today. Someone who knew me then and knows me now. I’ve changed so much. She asked me how I think I’ve changed and I said, “I’ve given up on life” and that made me cry.
She agreed. She agreed that I have given up on life and she wished she could do something to make me see things differently because she thinks I have so much potential.
I don’t see it though.
I don’t see the potential. I just see the tears.
No Motivation
It’s 7pm, my god I can’t believe that! I thought it was around 5. Whatever, I have no motivation to do anything.
It’s still really bright outside – very sunny. I should go plant those geraniums. I really should. I’ll feel like a failure if I don’t. I hate that feeling, but it is a comfortable one. One I know well.
Don’t know why I make plans, I rarely carry them out and often just end up being upset by them all.
Maybe once I re-read this post it will motivate me to do something.
