Maintaining
It’s good to be maintaining. I think I might even be progressing a little.
I sat in my nice clean livingroom today with the curtains wide open – as wide as they could open – and just enjoyed the view. Both the view outside and in. I had cleaned the windows several weeks ago so it was a delight to look through the window out to the sunny day. And the inside was all clean and tidy, and that was so nice.
When I first got up today I just puttered around for a while. Tidying things up, watering my plants (which are thriving lately) and just doing all the normal stuff I used to do on a Saturday or Sunday morning. Altho it was more around noon than morning, but still, lol. It was nice. And mid way through my puttering I realized what I was doing and just stopped and thought about how much I used to enjoy that years ago when I had a big house. My ex would be in bed and I’d get up early and do all that stuff. I really loved it. Even after our divorce I did that for a while but then eventually I just closed myself off more and more … until I rarely cleaned and always kept the curtains closed. Now finally after 10 years or so I’m getting back to what used to be normal for me. I still have a ways to go yet – but it sure felt nice sitting here in my sunny, clean livingroom today.
The meditation is helping too. I’ve been going to classes and it’s been really enjoyable. I’ve even been meditating at home on my own. I know we were suppose to be doing that all along but I wasn’t as I didn’t really have a spot to do it. But now I do, and it’s really nice.
I think I’ve used the word “nice” a few times now. It’s a kind of an over-used word in our society I think and people don’t always take it seriously – but it really fits here for me. It really is how I feel. And I’m enjoying it.
It’s nice! 
Debt
I have a lot of it. Well, I did before bankruptcy. I’ve had to declare bankruptcy twice. It’s not fun and the decision wasn’t made easily.
For the most part I’m back on track, altho I just found out today that I owe about 2,500 in back taxes for 2008. Will probably owe about that much for this year as well. So … by the time I come out of bankruptcy in the new year I’ll have a debt close to 5,000 dollars. Nice.
Why am I thinking of all this now? Well, last month I forgot about my car insurance, I haven’t done that in a long time. Anyway, the cheque bounced. It’s the first time I’ve bounced a cheque or had to put a stop payment on anything in years. And even before then I wasn’t one to bounce cheques. Heck I didn’t even have a chequing account for a long time.
Anyway … I go to cash my pay cheque today and there’s a new teller so she had to get authority to deposit my cheque and give me back 100 dollars cash. It’s pretty ordinary because she’s new, but it was a big problem because she said I had a hold on my account. I hadn’t had a hold on my account for years. Or maybe I did and they were just ignoring it because I hadn’t bounced any cheques. I dunno but it upset me. She had to go talk to her supervisor who took forever to make the decision. At one point I thought by their body language they weren’t going to do it.
It pissed me off. I mean I could go to a cheque cashing place and pay 20 bucks to cash my cheque and then come back and deposit cash. What the hell’s the difference. It’s stupid. And I was getting angrier. Then I felt the tears start to come. I had to turn away.
Finally the teller came back and said there was no problem and it was because she was new, but I also know it’s because of my credit rating. It’s just that before today I didn’t think there was a note on my account.
I took my cash and left. The tears were flowing by the time I got to the car.
I hate that feeling.
I hate being in bankruptcy.
I hate that my car is about to break down and I can’t get a different one, one that works better. And to top it off my car started making that knocking noise today of all days, after not doing that for months.
I dunno.
The thing is I don’t have anything. I don’t have nice things. Not that having nice things are important, but it would be nice to have half decent things … something to make my apartment feel like a home. Everything I did have prior to going into bankruptcy is long gone from when I was divorced like 14 or 15 years ago. My ex-husband didn’t have to declare bankruptcy but that’s because he found a good job with benefits and a pension. One he found because of his education that I helped him with and that I never benefited from. I worked my entire life. I left my job of 14 years with a pension and benefits (a government job) to relocate with him and then two months later he leaves me for another woman. Nice.
I don’t think about all that too often, or very much, but on days like this when I’m sitting here on the couch that once belonged to my parents I just feel sad. This stupid furniture is over 30 years old and falling apart. And I mean really falling apart. I don’t have a bed. Well I have one but it’s been destroyed and needs to be taken to the dump but that costs money so it sits in my room unusable. That’s a long story – too boring to share, but it’s just not usable. So I have to sleep on the couch.
I don’t have a nice home. I used to – but all that’s gone. He has a nice home. I was too devastated to really fight for anything at the time. He didn’t take stuff from me I just left it all. Plus I really didn’t want any of it – I wanted a clean break. And at the time I was naive enough to think that things would work out for me because I had always had a job. I’ve been working since I was 17. That’s 30 years and I don’t have a bed. It’s annoying.
I take responsibility for where I am, I’m just bitching right now. I know I made a lot of stupid financial decisions after my divorce that put me even deeper in debt. That I own. But it’s still frustrating. And today’s incident at the bank coupled with my tax info just threw it all back in my face big time.
Every month I’m so careful about what I do with my money. My rent is more that 50% of my income so it really doesn’t leave me with a lot. And I’m living in one of the cheapest apartments around. I know – I did the research. Plus I’ve moved around several times to save on rent but after a while that gets expensive because you have to factor in the cost of the move and all the set up fees for utilities, etc. But for what I pay in rent I’m actually in a nice building, it’s clean and there are no party animals – which is rare for a low rent building. Where I used to live it was a bit scary, to be honest. But when I think about the house I used to own when I was married – well there’s no comparison. And when I think about the fact the he owns a home … well … I can get pretty upset.
I’m trying to think calmly and focus now though. I mean I was upset but there’s not a lot I can do about anything. I finally have a good paying job, no benefits but the hours are good and the pay is okay. The work environment is better than previous jobs I’ve had. My apartment isn’t like my house, but it’s better than any other apartment I’ve ever lived in since my divorce, and there’s been quite a few. I don’t waste money. I don’t save any either. But I use what I have wisely. I’m not looking forward to having to pay my back taxes because that’s going to be difficult and probably take years to pay off. I don’t know how I’m going to afford it because right now I haven’t been able to renew my prescriptions this month – the pharmacist called twice to tell me they’re ready. But I haven’t had the money to pick them up until today, which was pay day. So for the past 10 days I’ve had no medication. That’s not good.
Anyway.
I know I’ve taken all the right steps to get things moving forward in a positive way. It’s just on days like this I realize how far I have to go and how many steps I have left to take to get myself back to where I was 20 years ago. But I can’t let the frustration and anger get to me.
That’s why I’m glad I have this blog to type it all out.
I’m still feeling a bit anxious but not as overwhelmed.
Baby steps. I just gotta keep moving forward slowly … taking positive baby steps.
She’s All Me
It’s been a totally weird weekend. In an emotional way. I did manage to get some stuff re-packed and into my new storage space, which was nice. But I have a lot more to do. I probably could have done more, I think sometimes I’m lazy or just unmotivated … and then I think, well I don’t really have a time-line and I’m only answerable to me … and life’s short so I might as well take a few breaks to enjoy the weekend as well.
I don’t know which is the right attitude. All I know is I did quite a bit this weekend but not as much as I hoped … yet more than I thought I would. Round and round my mind goes.
I found a lot of stuff I’d forgotten about. Old photos, notebooks, memories. It was hard at times. I had a few little cries but to be honest nothing really overly emotional. I’d shed a few tears and then just keep on going, or go out for some fresh air. I think in retrospect I probably did everything at the right rate – because it was what I could handle. And really that’s all I can do.
I spent some time looking at old photos of me – from when I was married. Who was that woman? I also found a few from an office party. I can’t even remember who those people are – so odd because at the time they seemed so important to me. Most of them – well their faces were unknown to me.
I think I wanted to keep all that stuff in boxes and restart my life. I didn’t want to go back or even acknowledge that woman, or girl … depending on which box I opened. Some of the boxes were from before I was married and still living at home with my parents.
I unpacked some nic-nacs and other items that had memories attached. It wasn’t as devastating as I thought it would be and in a way I kind of like re-integrating all those parts of me that I severed. There’s the little girl who was just a child, the young woman who lived at home with her parents, the young woman who lived with her husband, the devastated woman left behind by her husband, the woman who went over the deep end and planned her suicide, the wounded woman who couldn’t hold a job and had to be rescued by family. She’s all me.
She is all me and she’s not that different from the me now.
I found a journal from June 1999. It took my breath away. It was only me answering 3 questions my therapist had for me. What do I want to have? What do I want to do? What do I want to be?
What shocked me was I could have written it yesterday. The first thing I wrote for What I Want to Have … “A clean apartment. No garbage. Sanitized bathroom and kitchen. No clothes around. Everything in its place.”
The second thing I wrote … “The energy to do this”.
My goodness. That’s pretty much what this blog is all about and here it is 10 years later.
It was a little upsetting because it brought into focus how these past 10 years have been so hard for me. How I’ve been side-lined by this hoarding obsession, along with a lot of other things, and it’s stopped me from living my life fully. Maybe unpacking and bringing all these things back into my life is a much more positive move than I had anticipated.
I do feel like I am integrating all those parts of me back together again. I don’t think I separated them on purpose, or maybe I did. I think a part of me was too wounded to think about who I used to be. And I used to be so optimistic that I couldn’t bear to acknowledge that I lived my life with rose coloured glasses on.
I also had a bit of anxiety thinking that by bringing these things back into my life I was moving backwards. As if by packing up my life I was leaving it behind and moving forward. Of course I haven’t moved forward at all. But when I was putting out certain items I had this thought – what if my Ex showed up (that’s not going to happen) and saw all this old stuff – it would be as if I hadn’t moved forward. Of course by opening up these boxes and using the things in them doesn’t mean I want my husband back nor does it mean I want that old life back. It’s a bit confusing, to be honest.
But this weekend has been insightful. I’ve had lots of emotions but none of them over-took me. I’d be sad, angry, happy, content, frustrated, tired, anxious … you name it I felt it. But at least I felt it.
I hung a sun catcher on my door that I found. I don’t really remember when I bought it but I remember it was in several of my homes. I’ve been looking at it off and on all weekend. My first thought was to hang it right away. Not sure why, it’s nothing special and I don’t have any emotions attached to it. Then I thought, no don’t hang it – don’t bring “her” into here. Then I washed it off and hung it in the window in my door.
I like it.
And I like that I’m bringing little bits of “her” back into my life. She’s not so bad. She’s kind of nice actually. And … she’s me. All those women, girls, I packed up in those boxes … they’re all me. And I’m feeling ready to have all of her back into my life now.
A New Day
Wow – what a night. Here it is almost 5pm and I haven’t been to sleep yet. As mentioned in my 2 previous posts … I stayed up all night and wow – what progress I made.
Thank you Melinda for your comment – I read it around 2am and it really helped to boost my self-esteem and inspire me to keep going. I really appreciated that.
I’m really so proud of myself. I did everything as I planned and I was showered and ready around 8:30 am. As it turned out – no one even came into my apartment! Kinda funny but not really. I’m pretty exhausted and ultimately glad no one came in – but I’m grateful for the scare. I know me and I know I would not have made this much progress on my own. I needed that push.
When I first saw the note letting me know people would be coming in – I was terrified and a little grateful but really too terrified to feel grateful. What I mean is, there was a part of me way down deep (maybe the real me) who was happy I was getting this push – because without it I know I’d continue to doddle along – not making a lot of progress.
But now …. wow, progress plus, plus!
I’m so happy with how my place looks right now. And when it was all done and I was sitting on the couch watching tv I saw a commercial for some new show about hoarders – sigh. It made me cry a little to be honest. Not sure I’ll be watching it.
Anyway – for the first time since I moved in 3 years ago I now have an actual livingroom and dining room area. It feels so GREAT! And it’s clean. There are a few things that need to be organized, like my books, etc., but other than that … it’s so nice and tidy.
My furniture is old and I have blankets over them – so it’s not really the living space I want but it’s mine and it’s clean. As I looked around I kind of felt like I was in someone else’s home. I think that’s because when I divorced I got rid of all my stuff – well most of it. I got rid of all the “things” that were “me” and now here I am in this mish-mash of stuff that’s not really mine. It’s odd. But I have a huge sense that I want to make this place mine and I think that’s a good thing.
My kitchen and bathroom are clean – more clean than I’ve seen them in years. It was a joy having a shower this morning and getting out and drying my hair – wow, it really was a joy.
My hallway is still lined with boxes – but I feel empowered to dismantle them more so than I have since moving here.
My bedroom is a MESS! The door is closed and I’m going to keep it that way for the rest of the day. Why open it and upset myself right now. One thing is for sure – I’m motivated to clean it up. And to be fair – it’s not that bad. It’s in better shape than it was a week ago so that’s progress.
The dumpsters are outside right now because it’s garbage day tomorrow – otherwise I’d take the few garbage bags I have left (in my bedroom) and throw them out. In the end I put 3 or 4 in there because I didn’t feel I had time to take them downstairs before 9am today – and then the dumpsters were moved so I have to wait until tomorrow now.
It’s a weird feeling knowing that I only have a few bags of garbage in my apartment – lol. It’s weird! It’s a good weird though!
Anyway – it really is a new day.
And I think I’ve created an interesting side-effect … by staying up all night I think I may have re-set my internal clock, so I’m hoping for a more normal sleep tonight – we’ll see. Also, my cats are so freaking happy it’s making me smile … even laugh out loud a few times!
I’m feeling extremely tired right now … but also grateful. Grateful that I let myself be the adult I know I am. It’s a nice feeling. Being a helpless child was comforting for many years but ultimately it was so destructive for me.
Right now – I’m satisfied. Relieved. Happy. Empowered.
Yay me
Healing Dream
I’ve written here before about dreams I’ve had – ones where I’m still living at home with my parents but I’m an adult but I’m not allowed to move out. Sounds kind of boring but the fact is they are nightmares that leave me anxious for days afterwards.
Anyway, the night before last I had a similar dream but with a new twist. This time my parents were yelling at me to move out. It was very strange because I’ve been having this dream for 15 years or something, and this is the first time that happened!
It was kind of interesting. It was liberating and scary all at the same time. When I was being yelled at in the dream I was feeling kind of overwhelmed, like how can I manage on my own, but at the same time it was a “phew” kind of moment, like finally that’s over and now I’m free!
I also remember I didn’t like being yelled at in the dream. But I don’t like that in real life and my parents did lots of yelling … which is why when in happens in real life I kinda shut down. But that’s sort of a side note to the dream, but interesting none the less.
When I woke up I felt tired but emotionally relaxed. I looked around and felt like the chaos was mine, like I owned it. I wasn’t feeling anxious at all.
Through that dream I feel like I emotionally broke away from something, if that makes any sense. The last few weeks I’ve been thinking about why I don’t act like an adult in certain parts of my life, and the way I maintain my home is a big part of that. Because really, I don’t maintain it. I just kind of sit around like a sulky kid waiting for mom to clean up and dad to do the handywork.
And I guess when I was married I was kind of the same. I expected my husband to do a lot around the house to keep it up – which he did. I did my share too, but only because I felt like if I didn’t he’d chastise me – which he wouldn’t have done because he wasn’t like that. He’d certainly ask what the heck was going on and why wasn’t I doing anything – but it would have been more like one roommate to another – not like he was my parent or in charge of my behaviour. More like why is he doing more than me … ha.
Anyway – once I got out on my own I guess I just stopped doing everything. I know my hoarding is way more complex then that. But I think I attached a lot of things onto my husband because he really wasn’t parental with me – I think I just sometimes thought of him that way because that’s how my mind worked. So because of that I did certain things around the house thinking I’d get in trouble otherwise … eventho nothing like that would have happened. And when I got out on my own, I just stopped doing stuff. Kind of like a rebellious thing. Since no one was around to tell me what to do I’d do nothing.
So … I think that dream has finally released me from that internal emotional nightmare. I’ve untangled that and am now free from some internal parent I created for myself … to keep myself in line, or more to the point, to keep me a child.
Calmer … but Still Pissed
I’m feeling a bit calmer than I was in my previous post, but I’m still mad.
Well I’m a lot of thngs .. mad, angry, pissed, sad, alone, fed-up, broken-down, defeated. Pissed.
My boss … let me try to sort this out in my own mind. The reality is she is like 2 differnt people. She’s either extremely empathtic – to the point where she’d make a great therapist. Or she’s callous – to the point that she scares me.
The 2nd personality doesn’t show itself very often but the more I get to know her the more I can see she’s battling it. I can understand that. I get it. I admit I have a similar side to my personality. She’d never admit that.
We’ve had some very serious conversations about mental health and our backgrounds, but she really doesn’t see that side of her – or she doesn’t admit it. I saw her one time freak out at her husband to the point that I was nervous and embarassed. It really unnerved me and left me feeling scared.
Scared. That’s a weird word that I keep using when I describe that nasty side of her. It kind of reminds me of how my mother would freak out when I was a kid. But she didn’t behave that way when we got older. When we were kids I’m sure lots of times she was overwhelmed and when she was it came out as this really scary woman! But also, I was a kid, and she was my otherwise nice mother, so it all seemed even that more scary.
It’s weird how this woman can remind me a bit of my mother in that context. I think it does make me revert to that child … feeling scared. So is it my boss or is it me who’s the problem here?
The thing is – my mother never behaved like that in public and never behaved like that when we got older. So I don’t get why this woman would be like that in the workplace. Thank god she doesn’t have kids. The other thing is, ultimately I ended up having a good relationship with my mother … so I don’t think it’s weird left-over feelings for her that’s making me react this way. I think that the boss is just a really troubled person and a very manipulative one as well. She’s the type that has to be a martyr. I hate that. My mother was never that so there’s no comparison to be made there.
The boss is also extremely religious to the point that it can become obnoxious, especially for someone like me who doesn’t believe in any of that crap – with all due respect to those who do believe. I get fed-up with people who act all high & mighty and then behave horribly. And again, it’s the martyr thing that always comes up with her. It gets mighty boring mighty fast, I gotta say.
Anyway, regardless of all the psycho drama in my head – she’s got enough psycho drama for the 2 of us. I never behave like that in public. Rarely do in private. It’s just too bad that none of her bosses ever really see the full extent of her behaviour. They’d be concerned I’m sure. She wasn’t at all stable today.
As for family, they’re always telling me how I’m not alone, yada, yada. That’s only true when it’s convenient for them. I mean, what am I doing tomorrow – it’s Canada Day, a holiday, and since most of them are out of town on vacation or home and have decided not to do anything – then I’m going to be alone. No one ever includes me in their activities unless they’re having a family get-together, and then I’m part of the family. They don’t get it.
You know, when I had a husband and a house and a nice yard with a pool I always invited everyone – not that they came. My parents stayed at another siblings home – one where they didn’t have a guest room, like my house did. So why was that? Basically it was because they’d rather not spend time with me given the choice. Pretty simple to see that.
So it’s like the chicken and the egg. Which comes first – do people not want to be around me because I they don’t like me or am I not enjoyable to be around because I know people don’t want to be around me. Whatever. Who cares at this point in my life.
And sure, it’s not like I can’t go out and do something on my own, but to be honest – after 15 years of doing that, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of being the one who can live on her own, be independent, go out to events or whatever alone because that’s just what I did.
I’m sick of it.
I also know I’ll never meet someone, not at my of stage life. I’m almost 50 and look at all the fucking bagage I have. There’s no way I can get my shit together at this point in my life to find someone. And if I did get my shit together … like I’m going to be able to find some shit-free man who also has his life together. Highly unlikely.
I knew this when I was in my 30s and everyone told me I was wrong. But I was right. I’m not the kind of woman men want – regardless of all the kind things people say to me or about me. The reality is I’m fat and men don’t want fat women – I’m not saying all men are shallow and I’m not saying men don’t have fat wives that they love, but the majority of them loved them before they became fat. I’m not in that situation. There’s no way a man would chose me over a thin woman given that we have the same personality traits. No way.
I’m completely and totally damaged goods in that department and I know it. It’s hard to deal with but the reality is I’m alone now, have been for 15 years and will be for the rest of my life and whatever I say to make myself feel better about that – it just isn’t easy. It’s not easy being alone.
Having said all that – I do remember being married and being in a relationship and I know that’s not all it’s cracked up to be either. But considering all the factors one thing is for sure – it’s really nice to have someone on your side. Someone who understand you after a bad day. Having no one day after day after day after day … it’s really, really hard.
It wears ya down after a while. It’s been 15 years. That’s a long time to have to keep lifting up my spirits on my own. That’s a long time to be my own cheerleader. I’ve been doing it but the past few years I’ve become so beaten down.
And yes, I did have a few sexual relationships in the past 15 years, but that’s all they were – not emotional relationships. The men didn’t even really know me. The last man I was involved with – it was just sex. So yes, there are men who do find me attractive or who will have sex with me, whatever. Sex is easy to get – real connection like an emotional connection, damn – that’s so rare and much harder to find so I’ve given up. It’s just not going to happen. So day by day I fade away.
Last year was like a fucking fog. I hibernated in this fucking apartment and just kinda died a little. It’s days like this that remind me how exhausted I really am. To the outside world I’m more together – but I have to say over the past few years it’s been harder to keep up that veneer. Even I can see that it’s cracking. I fear soon everyone will be able to see what’s really inside – god help me. Not that I believe in god – but whatever. When that day comes they’ll be loading me in to a looney van.
I really am finding it hard to keep up appearances. I’ve been worn down. Worn down. A lifetime of missed opportunities and regrets. A life that’s been passed by. I can’t seem to grab hold of life to live it again. It’s pretty terrifying, actually.
Anyway – all just my thoughts … trying to get them out of my fucking head. All in the hopes that I’ll have some peace tonight – but I doubt it. I hate my life.
I don’t know what’s worse. Knowing and admitting that I hate my life. Or living like I have been for the past few years where I just ignore those thoughts.
I’m really not sure at this point which is worse.
