Christmas Lights & Feeling Alive
These are the lights I’m decorating with today 
It’s been years since I really decorated, inside and out. But earlier this week I decided I wanted to decorate my door – so at 2am I did, lol. Then I started unpacking all my Christmas stuff. Then yesterday I went to Walmart and bought some new lights for my balcony. I’m excited about putting them up. I have some stuff up already and it’s so pretty!
My apartment is still clean and tidy, except for my bedroom which is still a mess and the door is still closed. I haven’t really gone in there since the big clean-up a couple of weeks ago, mainly because I haven’t really had time on the weekends to do anything – I’ve had a couple of family things come up which have been fun. It’s interesting how much more I enjoy these get-togethers when I know my apartment is tidy. It’s also interesting how much easier it is to unpack a box, like the one with my Christmas decorations, when the apartment is clean. It’s not so overwhelming. I unpacked some stuff, put the rest away and then boom…it’s all done and everything is tidy again! Just like how all the normal people do stuff!! LOL
Anyway, it’s all part of the baby steps I keep talking about. The thing is that now I can finally see that some of those baby steps are adding up to real progress. It’s taken a long time – but it’s working. I really started all this hard work back April of this year when I re-started this blog. I’m so glad I originally started writing here in March 2008 because when I came back to it in April 09 and re-read all the posts it was a real eye-opening experience for me. It was a pivotal moment and ever since I’ve been making such positive changes. There have been a lot of set backs and stress and anger along the way, but a lot of really positive stuff too. Heck, for all I know the set backs, stress & anger is also positive. Sometimes that stuff can propel you forward – ya know?
But for now what’s propelling me forward today is all the pretty lights and decorations I see around my place. It’s really making me feel alive again.
Clearing Cobwebs
It’s a good time of year to do that … with Halloween just around the corner.
I cleared some from my mind, my balcony and my apartment. I didn’t have actual ones in my apartment, but I did clear out 10 bags of garbage. As for my balcony, I’ve been having a battle with a spider for a couple of weeks but I think I finally convinced him to move. I’ve been really good at keeping the balcony clean and tidy since the spring … it’s been my oasis.
As for the cobwebs in my mind – I cleared those out with a 20 minute walk around the block at about 10pm last night. It was good. I didn’t do much all day but around 9:30 pm I simply decided to get up and take out some garbage. When I was done I felt like I needed some fresh air, so out I went for a walk. It felt good.
When I got home I got my lunch ready for tomorrow, which is unusual for me. I never fix a lunch, I usually buy something or skip it. Neither is a good thing. Although I don’t spend much for lunch, just a couple of dollars, it does add up. And skipping is just bad and makes me even more hungry when I get home. But the other day, after meditation, I bought all good stuff at the grocery store. So I’m happy about that.
I wish things were even more organized and clean – but it is what it is. And it is less cobwebby right now 
Stopped Moaning & Did Something
Yep, lol.
Hey, moaning can be good at times but at some point ya just gotta stop it and do something. Which is what I did today. Reluctantly, for sure. But I did get up and go to meditation this morning and then on the way home stopped and bought healthy food, then went for a nice long walk. And here I am now in my same crappy life and apartment … but feeling better. Funny how that works.
It’s not rocket science and it’s not like I haven’t said all this before here in this blog … but getting out of this place and doing something as simple as going for a walk can improve my mood immensely.
Especially when this is within minutes of my home. Hard to figure out why I don’t go there more often.
Sitting there and listening to the soft sounds of the water is so relaxing and peaceful. Plus it’s a glorious Fall day with beautiful colours … the trees are gorgeous right now.
I did something else that is having a strange effect, I think positive. I took some photos of myself, just head shots, with my digital camera and really looked at myself. It’s weird that when I think I’m smiling … I’m not. It’s strange! But I feel like I have a happy face on and I look really sad. So I was practicing looking happy, lol. It got a bit funny, but the reality is when my face is just relaxed and “normal” I look either angry or sad … really sad. I’ve been told this before, but it was an interesting experiment to look at the photos.
I practiced how it felt to have my face look normal without looking sad and without looking “crazy” happy … haha. It was an effort to hold the muscles in my face up. When I do it I feel like I have a funny look on my face, but the reality is I look nice when I do that. So … I saved one of the nice photos of me as my desktop. And is it ever having a weird effect. I used to have a nice photo of a tree there, but now it’s me … sitting on my couch … looking back at me … sitting on my couch! lol
Anyway, it’s working as a good reminder that I have to kind of “lift” my face a bit when I’m out and about … and it’s also making me like me more. I mean, when I see the face on my computer screen … it’s an odd feeling. I like the girl looking back at me. She’s not so bad. I’m hoping it will help me to be more kind to myself.
The other thing is … it’s just weird looking at photos of me. I don’t have that many and the ones I do have are kind of posed. So it was interesting to see “me”. To really look at what I look like, and see what others see. I took a bunch of them, some good … some awful. But it’s all me and really … that’s how others see me every day. They’re just photos of my face though, I couldn’t get a full-length one. Not sure I’m ready for that yet. But I really just wanted to focus on my face, my eyes. What I project to the world.
The most surprising thing is that it’s made me realize that it’s easy to trash “me” when I don’t see me. But when I put a face to “me” … well, it’s a lot harder to be mean to me. If that makes any sense. It’s kind of startling, actually, to shrink the screen down and see into my own eyes. It makes me want to take care of her and I have compassion for her. Her being me. It’s a very strange feeling!
Maybe you should try it.
Feeling Angry
So now my mood has switched to anger. Frustration and anger. My life isn’t how I want it to be and to get it to the way I want will take some astronomical maneuvers. And just the thought of what I have to do is wearing me down. I know I need to break it all down into little steps but that’s just so frustrating. Perhaps I’m just putting up road blocks, but to be honest … the little steps are exhausting and there’s even some financial issues involved that stop me.
I just wish I could close my eyes and open them again and have the living space I want. Have the car I want. Have the life I want.
I know practically everyone out there wishes they could do that. And I know it’s not a reality.
Anyway. Just the thought of all the steps, and the fact that I’m stuck here right now … it’s all making me angry. I sure hope I’m not feeling this way tomorrow. I guess some would say I’m responsible for my mood, but most times it doesn’t seem that way.
I hope I do a few things tomorrow so that I don’t feel like I wasted my weekend yet again this week. That all gets exhausting too.
I did my budget the other day … that’s probably adding to my anger. No matter how ya slice it, I’m living in poverty and that’s not going to change any time soon for a vast variety of reasons. I’m just coming out of my 2nd bankruptcy and due to health issues I can’t change my job right now. So … I’m stuck. I’m lucky in one way that I have a job but … I still feel kinda stuck.
Anyway. Anger, anger, anger. It’s not propelling me forward this time, it’s just making my heart beat faster and it’s making me breath heavier … and just making me really frustrated and anxious. Not pleasant.
And it’s 12:30 or something in the morning. I’ve been falling asleep around 5am lately … then getting up and going to work which for me starts at 11am. The weird sleeping and lack of sleep is not helping me I know.
Okay – that’s it for that bitching.
I just wanted to track my mood in hopes that it will help me in the long run. I actually think it will help me eventually.
Better Mood
My mood is a bit better today. I had a couple of great conversations with people at work – and I think just being out and interacting with people has help to lift my mood. Big surprise. I’ve known this for some time now – but when my mood is really down it’s hard to truly remember that bit of important info.
Anyway, I can still feel that “being stuck” feeling inside of me though, the one where I’m down. Very down. Not sure what it’s all about but I’m glad I had a good day and that I’m feeling better.
Avoinding
I’m back to avoiding again. Some progress and then … plunk. That’s my pattern.
I’m feeling pretty defeated right now. I think it’s important to make note of this because I’m wondering if my moods have a pattern as well. Maybe I’ve been misdiagnosed with depression – I don’t know.
It’s weird, it’s not just my mood it’s how I feel about myself. Right now I feel like I can’t do anything. Really down, defeated, useless, incapable of anything at all. The reality is I know that’s not true – but that’s how I feel. I worry that this mood will show through at work again tomorrow. My last ‘down mood’ got me into a little trouble at work the last time. Not real trouble, it just made things kind of complicated and now I’m hoping to avoid any further “complications”. But when my mood is like this it’s hard for me to fake things. So, I hope I can fake things and be all “up” when I go in tomorrow.
Anyway, that’s it. I’m feeling down. Defeated. Bogged down in this chaos. I’ll have to take note of when it starts to change again. I started my period yesterday, perhaps that’s a factor as well – although I was starting to feel this way a few days ago. Now it feels pretty set-in.
When I avoid stuff it’s like I’m huddled inside of myself scared to death of something. It’s weird. So I just curl up on the couch and avoid. I don’t even go on line. I just get lost in my thoughts, fantasies or the TV. Sometimes I don’t even eat, which is really unusual for me. It can last for hours – just smothered in my mind. It can actually last for days, but the sitting and not moving – just kind of being like a zombie goes on for 8 to 12 hours at a time. It’s like I’m on my couch terrified to move.
Well, it’s all worth making note of. Not sure where it’s all going. Not sure if I get like this when I start to progress because there’s a part of me that’s afraid of moving forward in a positive way … don’t know if that’s it or not.
The weekend is over. I did nothing. I feel bad. Sad. Disappointed in myself. I’m not looking forward to the week ahead. Wish I could just stay inside my head forever. Well – that’s how I feel right now.
