Clearing Cobwebs
It’s a good time of year to do that … with Halloween just around the corner.
I cleared some from my mind, my balcony and my apartment. I didn’t have actual ones in my apartment, but I did clear out 10 bags of garbage. As for my balcony, I’ve been having a battle with a spider for a couple of weeks but I think I finally convinced him to move. I’ve been really good at keeping the balcony clean and tidy since the spring … it’s been my oasis.
As for the cobwebs in my mind – I cleared those out with a 20 minute walk around the block at about 10pm last night. It was good. I didn’t do much all day but around 9:30 pm I simply decided to get up and take out some garbage. When I was done I felt like I needed some fresh air, so out I went for a walk. It felt good.
When I got home I got my lunch ready for tomorrow, which is unusual for me. I never fix a lunch, I usually buy something or skip it. Neither is a good thing. Although I don’t spend much for lunch, just a couple of dollars, it does add up. And skipping is just bad and makes me even more hungry when I get home. But the other day, after meditation, I bought all good stuff at the grocery store. So I’m happy about that.
I wish things were even more organized and clean – but it is what it is. And it is less cobwebby right now 
Stopped Moaning & Did Something
Yep, lol.
Hey, moaning can be good at times but at some point ya just gotta stop it and do something. Which is what I did today. Reluctantly, for sure. But I did get up and go to meditation this morning and then on the way home stopped and bought healthy food, then went for a nice long walk. And here I am now in my same crappy life and apartment … but feeling better. Funny how that works.
It’s not rocket science and it’s not like I haven’t said all this before here in this blog … but getting out of this place and doing something as simple as going for a walk can improve my mood immensely.
Especially when this is within minutes of my home. Hard to figure out why I don’t go there more often.
Sitting there and listening to the soft sounds of the water is so relaxing and peaceful. Plus it’s a glorious Fall day with beautiful colours … the trees are gorgeous right now.
I did something else that is having a strange effect, I think positive. I took some photos of myself, just head shots, with my digital camera and really looked at myself. It’s weird that when I think I’m smiling … I’m not. It’s strange! But I feel like I have a happy face on and I look really sad. So I was practicing looking happy, lol. It got a bit funny, but the reality is when my face is just relaxed and “normal” I look either angry or sad … really sad. I’ve been told this before, but it was an interesting experiment to look at the photos.
I practiced how it felt to have my face look normal without looking sad and without looking “crazy” happy … haha. It was an effort to hold the muscles in my face up. When I do it I feel like I have a funny look on my face, but the reality is I look nice when I do that. So … I saved one of the nice photos of me as my desktop. And is it ever having a weird effect. I used to have a nice photo of a tree there, but now it’s me … sitting on my couch … looking back at me … sitting on my couch! lol
Anyway, it’s working as a good reminder that I have to kind of “lift” my face a bit when I’m out and about … and it’s also making me like me more. I mean, when I see the face on my computer screen … it’s an odd feeling. I like the girl looking back at me. She’s not so bad. I’m hoping it will help me to be more kind to myself.
The other thing is … it’s just weird looking at photos of me. I don’t have that many and the ones I do have are kind of posed. So it was interesting to see “me”. To really look at what I look like, and see what others see. I took a bunch of them, some good … some awful. But it’s all me and really … that’s how others see me every day. They’re just photos of my face though, I couldn’t get a full-length one. Not sure I’m ready for that yet. But I really just wanted to focus on my face, my eyes. What I project to the world.
The most surprising thing is that it’s made me realize that it’s easy to trash “me” when I don’t see me. But when I put a face to “me” … well, it’s a lot harder to be mean to me. If that makes any sense. It’s kind of startling, actually, to shrink the screen down and see into my own eyes. It makes me want to take care of her and I have compassion for her. Her being me. It’s a very strange feeling!
Maybe you should try it.
Hanging In There
I’m hanging in there.
I’m not visiting blogs like I used to, I just feel like I’m on emotional-overload.
My last post was tough for me and it’s had me spinning a bit. I do appreciate the feedback – you have no idea how much that helped.
Right now I’m just healing. Pulling back a bit to re-group.
I’ve been going out a bit more, I refuse to stay inside just because of how I’m feeling. I want to hide but I refuse to. It’s tough but I’m pushing myself to be me and to be out there.
I’m sure my emotions will crash soon and I’ll be having to post about it. But right now I’m just pushing myself while at the same time being kind to myself. I’m sick of beating myself up, to be honest with you. But I’m so damn good at it! Which is why I’m really trying hard not to do it. It’s not easy.
But …. I’m hanging in there.
Pretty Shocking
I just saw a full length photo of myself taken just a few days ago and I gotta say – it was shocking for me to see. I look horrid. I was in the new outfit I bought, the one I spoke of in an earlier post. I feel so good when I wear that t-shirt and jeans but I had no idea how awful I look. I’m so big. Obese. I just cried.
I don’t know what to do with all that I’m feeling other than to just push forward. Why didn’t someone try and say something to me earlier? Am I that unapproachable? I’ve really gone over the edge. I look gross. I really don’t look right. It’s not that I’m anti-fat … I’m not. It’s just that I’ve gone over some edge and I just don’t look right. I look ill. I really look ill. I guess my illness is seeping out. I can’t hide it looking like this.
I just want to hide. I don’t want to walk out of my apartment tomorrow. But I will. I’ll go on. Make no wonder some people look at me funny … I just look uncomfortable.
I want to snap my fingers and just look differently. I’ve lost about 35 lbs but big deal – I still look horrid. I need to stop beating myself up here – but at the same time I have to remember that photo and get my life back on track. I have to stop making excuses and continuing with my unhealthy eating habits. No more excuses – just that photo. I think I’ll keep it with me and everytime I want to binge just look at it. Not sure that will work because it just makes me feel bad and when I feel bad I eat – so I dunno.
I just know – I used to be pretty. Now I’m just pretty shocking.
I Have a Lot of Anger
I get angry a lot but rarely show it, or maybe I do but just not in the normal outrage way. My anger is often turned inward or sent outward through sarcasm, apathy or frustration.
The other day my boss asked me if she’d done something to upset me, so obviously my anger is visible even if I don’t think it is. It would have been a good time to talk to her about some of her behaviour toward me but I said nothing. Now I’m stuck in a situation where I’m trying not to seem frustrated with her while hiding how I really feel and it’s all just a big mess which has me angry at myself for not saying something.
I have gotten really angry when I was alone – and smashed things. It’s a bit scary. The anger just wells up inside of me and I just grab something and start banging and I’m furious and in that moment I feel like I could kill something. Of course I don’t really think I could kill anything it’s just that’s how I feel in those few seconds when I let the anger come out. Afterwards I don’t feel better or worse. I just am. I’m a little relieved I guess, but it’s not a good or bad feeling. I just don’t feel angry anymore.
I think sometimes it’s just the build up of everything I hate about me and my life bubbling up. I’m tired of psychoanalyzing myself to be honest. I’d just like to get up one day and go about it in a shallow way – not thinking of what lies beneath but just be happy because it’s sunny outside and not raining and I’m alive. Why don’t I ever feel like that? There’s always a touch of melancholy in me no matter what. It’s always there like a sore tooth. Just humming beneath the surface. I hate it.
Anyway, as usual after having some success last weekend this weekend I’m sitting here stressed and unable to do anything. That makes me angry.
I’m angry that my life is like this. I’m angry that my apartment looks like this. I’m angry that i look like this. I’m angry that I hate my job and can’t leave it. I’m angry that I got paid on Friday and have no money. I’m angry that this same cycle will continue day after day after day. And I’m most angry that no matter how many times I try I can’t seem to break this stupid cycle. That I hop off it for a while, like a few days, and then I’m back on it again. Not sure why that is. Maybe I miss it. Maybe I don’t know how to live without it. And if that’s the case – that makes me angry too.
Is This Some Sort of Re-Birth?
What a wild ride of emotions tonight. But it’s important that I document them because as I’ve said before – ignoring them has been detrimental for me.
I was pondering earlier today how I had been out every day this weekend, interacting with people. Now normally I can find that a bit taxing, but what I was noticing was that it was helping me to remember the “me” that used to be. The “me” who, while I did enjoy my alone time, wasn’t completely cut-off from the world.
The “me” of the past few years, especially last year, was pretty much completely cut-off. And in that isolation I became much worse. I entered a very dark emotional place. A dark physical one as well because my apartment became pretty toxic.
I realized just how toxic tonight when I ventured into my bedroom. I can’t even type about it – but I felt nauseous. I cleaned it up though. Then I fled the apartment for a coffee and more importantly, some fresh air.
When I came black I took what I had bagged-up to the dumpster. Then came back and took a few more, not all…but a few. And now I’m sitting here reflecting.
When I fled the apartment I thought I was going to cry because up to that point I hadn’t. To be honest, I just felt ill. It was about 5 kilometres from my place when the tears started. I went and sat by the lake for a while. Thought about everything. How the hell I got here and why have I been congratulating myself so much when there’s so much more to do. And on and on.
The reality is I don’t know the answers to those questions or to any other ones for that matter.
What I think is … that being out and about with people has made me feel a bit more like “me” and that person is re-emerging and slowly taking control of my life again. Not that I have a dual personality, I just mean that for whatever reason I’ve smothered the real me with food and stuff and I think she’s kinda ticked. I think she’s sick of being buried. And I think for a while she was happy to just sleep through life but now she wants to wake up and live. It’s kind of like a re-birthing or something.
The wierd thing about my cleaning up tonight was there was very littie anxiety, there was more anger. Just anger at how I’ve let things get this far.
