A Beautiful Day
Yes it was. Other than some silly work annoyances, it was a beautiful day. I didn’t get much sleep last night, as my previous post states … but I did get some. That’s more than I usually get when I do the all night clean-up thing. And I didn’t feel rushed at the end, I was done in plenty of time and there was no last minute panicked rush. No real anxiety at all.
It’s so nice to have all this wonderful clean floor space. And there’s a lot of it! And usually that kind of freaks me out, but not this time. This time it’s different for the first time. I’m actually quite enjoying all the openness, and open space. Normally after I clean out all the stuff I’ve hoarded I have a sense of loss, but also a sense of being unnerved by the space. But not this time. Yay!
I’m totally enjoying today and this feeling. I’m kind of sore from all the hard work, lol … but that will wear off and it’s good for me anyway. I’m also tired from the lack of sleep but I’ll be going to bed (or couch) a bit earlier tonight and that’s also good for me. My success even has me looking forward to cleaning out the bedroom and actually getting a new mattress. Oh to actually sleep in a bed! I haven’t done that in almost 3 years … maybe more. And I was in the bedroom yesterday sort of cleaning it out – and it wasn’t as scary as it was previous times. I think that I’m making some good progress here and I’m proud of myself for that.
Heck, even the cats seem really happy! They seem more relaxed and have been enjoying all the extra space as well. Anyway, knowing they’re happier also makes me happy although to be honest, they are very well taken care of – I don’t hoard animals so that’s a good thing. And they’re always well fed, clean, brushed, all that stuff, etc.
I did, unfortunately, have some weird work stuff happen today – but I handled it well. Or, I guess I should say better than I usually do. It caused me a little anxiety. The thing is, when it was happening I recognized how I was feeling. I was a little negative at first and I feel bad about that, but then I explained my uncertainty or concern that perhaps some of the choices being made weren’t the correct ones – and I had some agreement from others so that made me feel good, and like I wasn’t the only one thinking people were making a big elaborate deal out of something simple. It was all professional and I think ultimately it’s going to work out okay. Not the way I’d do it – but I think some people make elaborate plans when something more simple would do because they have the need to feel over-worked and in control. That’s their deal, not mine. And while it’s not exactly the same, I kind of do that in my personal life … I don’t need to do it at work as well, ha!
So. There ya have it. I did it. And like I said in the previous post, it didn’t take as long because I had kept my place in much better condition since my last big clean up. So that’s a positive sign and I feel really good about that!
It’s all good. 
Update: I seem to be big on updates lately, lol. But it’s almost 10pm and I’m sitting here thinking … “wow, I’m not all stressed. I feel like I have nothing to do. Like I have lots of time and not rushed.” And the weird thing is, other nights of the week are exactly the same, I don’t have things I have to do, no responsibilities. And I’m usually just sitting here on the couch watching TV or surfing the net. So really, I’m not doing anything different tonight than I do any other night, it’s just that having the place all cleaned-out and tidy has really taken a huge burden off me. I don’t think I really articulated that before. So that’s why I thought it was important to do the update. I feel relaxed. Light. Like I don’t have some impending doom hanging over my head. I mean, if someone knocked on my door now I wouldn’t panic. I’d just open the door. And if the landlady had to come in for some emergency reason, I’d just let her in. What a huge sense of relief! It’s important I write about these feelings. It’s important for me to remember down the road when I’m avoiding stuff and hoarding stuff again. I mean, let’s face it, that’s going to happen again. It’s not like I’m cured or something, lol. And I hope this is helpful and hopeful for those who read this and are going through similar struggles. I mean – that’s really the beauty of blogging. Writing here is helping me … and hopefully reading this is helping someone out there.
I’m Suppose to be Cleaning Right Now
Yes, and I’ve had lots of notice so I only have myself to blame that at 7pm on a Sunday night I haven’t really done anything as of yet … and the inspectors will be here at 9am tomorrow morning. It’s our annual smoke detector inspection. They’ll just be in and out within a few minutes – so it’s no big deal, not a real “inspection”. But people still have to come into my home and in the state it’s in right now I’m sure my next note from the landlord would be an eviction notice.
So ….
Eventho I found out about this yesterday at 2pm … I didn’t take advantage of the time. Oh no. I don’t do things like that.
I know I’ll be up all night, like I always do and will be rushing around in the last hour trying to do everything “just in time”.
That’s me.
I hate it.
But if I really hated it that much I’d change it.
Anyway, now I’m off to get things organized. I’m not looking forward to it. I can feel the panic just bubbling below the surface.
The thing is, I know I’ll be successful. I know come 9am everything will be okay. Not sparkly clean but okay enough. Still … it’s gonna be a long night.
Update: 10pm – kitchen is done, livingroom is half done. Now going to watch Dexter 
Then I have the bathroom & hallway. The hallway is the biggest mess with all the boxes. I’m mostly going to organize them and make them look less chaotic. Then I’ll close the bedroom door … which is an insane room. I thought I might get that done but I decided to leave it. I started in there and did make some progress but then decided it was just distracting me – because I can close the door and they don’t need in there. So … that’s where I am now.
2nd Update: 1:10 am – going along well. You know, for the most part. No panic attacks and that’s wonderful! A couple of times I felt overwhelmed and I did what’s worked in the past. I stopped. Sat down. Told myself to give myself a break with the understanding that I had to, and could, get back to it when I felt calmer. And it worked. I’m thinking I have about an hours work left, maybe two. And the reality is I usually don’t go to bed until 4am anyway, so no big deal. Altho I have to be showered by 9am, but again, no biggie. The thing I’ve noticed is this isn’t taking me as long this time, which tells me I’m getting better at maintaining my place in between big clean-ups. And … I’m also not giving myself such a hard time, so that’s making things a bit better as well. Off now to continue my work.
Clearing Cobwebs
It’s a good time of year to do that … with Halloween just around the corner.
I cleared some from my mind, my balcony and my apartment. I didn’t have actual ones in my apartment, but I did clear out 10 bags of garbage. As for my balcony, I’ve been having a battle with a spider for a couple of weeks but I think I finally convinced him to move. I’ve been really good at keeping the balcony clean and tidy since the spring … it’s been my oasis.
As for the cobwebs in my mind – I cleared those out with a 20 minute walk around the block at about 10pm last night. It was good. I didn’t do much all day but around 9:30 pm I simply decided to get up and take out some garbage. When I was done I felt like I needed some fresh air, so out I went for a walk. It felt good.
When I got home I got my lunch ready for tomorrow, which is unusual for me. I never fix a lunch, I usually buy something or skip it. Neither is a good thing. Although I don’t spend much for lunch, just a couple of dollars, it does add up. And skipping is just bad and makes me even more hungry when I get home. But the other day, after meditation, I bought all good stuff at the grocery store. So I’m happy about that.
I wish things were even more organized and clean – but it is what it is. And it is less cobwebby right now
She’s All Me
It’s been a totally weird weekend. In an emotional way. I did manage to get some stuff re-packed and into my new storage space, which was nice. But I have a lot more to do. I probably could have done more, I think sometimes I’m lazy or just unmotivated … and then I think, well I don’t really have a time-line and I’m only answerable to me … and life’s short so I might as well take a few breaks to enjoy the weekend as well.
I don’t know which is the right attitude. All I know is I did quite a bit this weekend but not as much as I hoped … yet more than I thought I would. Round and round my mind goes.
I found a lot of stuff I’d forgotten about. Old photos, notebooks, memories. It was hard at times. I had a few little cries but to be honest nothing really overly emotional. I’d shed a few tears and then just keep on going, or go out for some fresh air. I think in retrospect I probably did everything at the right rate – because it was what I could handle. And really that’s all I can do.
I spent some time looking at old photos of me – from when I was married. Who was that woman? I also found a few from an office party. I can’t even remember who those people are – so odd because at the time they seemed so important to me. Most of them – well their faces were unknown to me.
I think I wanted to keep all that stuff in boxes and restart my life. I didn’t want to go back or even acknowledge that woman, or girl … depending on which box I opened. Some of the boxes were from before I was married and still living at home with my parents.
I unpacked some nic-nacs and other items that had memories attached. It wasn’t as devastating as I thought it would be and in a way I kind of like re-integrating all those parts of me that I severed. There’s the little girl who was just a child, the young woman who lived at home with her parents, the young woman who lived with her husband, the devastated woman left behind by her husband, the woman who went over the deep end and planned her suicide, the wounded woman who couldn’t hold a job and had to be rescued by family. She’s all me.
She is all me and she’s not that different from the me now.
I found a journal from June 1999. It took my breath away. It was only me answering 3 questions my therapist had for me. What do I want to have? What do I want to do? What do I want to be?
What shocked me was I could have written it yesterday. The first thing I wrote for What I Want to Have … “A clean apartment. No garbage. Sanitized bathroom and kitchen. No clothes around. Everything in its place.”
The second thing I wrote … “The energy to do this”.
My goodness. That’s pretty much what this blog is all about and here it is 10 years later.
It was a little upsetting because it brought into focus how these past 10 years have been so hard for me. How I’ve been side-lined by this hoarding obsession, along with a lot of other things, and it’s stopped me from living my life fully. Maybe unpacking and bringing all these things back into my life is a much more positive move than I had anticipated.
I do feel like I am integrating all those parts of me back together again. I don’t think I separated them on purpose, or maybe I did. I think a part of me was too wounded to think about who I used to be. And I used to be so optimistic that I couldn’t bear to acknowledge that I lived my life with rose coloured glasses on.
I also had a bit of anxiety thinking that by bringing these things back into my life I was moving backwards. As if by packing up my life I was leaving it behind and moving forward. Of course I haven’t moved forward at all. But when I was putting out certain items I had this thought – what if my Ex showed up (that’s not going to happen) and saw all this old stuff – it would be as if I hadn’t moved forward. Of course by opening up these boxes and using the things in them doesn’t mean I want my husband back nor does it mean I want that old life back. It’s a bit confusing, to be honest.
But this weekend has been insightful. I’ve had lots of emotions but none of them over-took me. I’d be sad, angry, happy, content, frustrated, tired, anxious … you name it I felt it. But at least I felt it.
I hung a sun catcher on my door that I found. I don’t really remember when I bought it but I remember it was in several of my homes. I’ve been looking at it off and on all weekend. My first thought was to hang it right away. Not sure why, it’s nothing special and I don’t have any emotions attached to it. Then I thought, no don’t hang it – don’t bring “her” into here. Then I washed it off and hung it in the window in my door.
I like it.
And I like that I’m bringing little bits of “her” back into my life. She’s not so bad. She’s kind of nice actually. And … she’s me. All those women, girls, I packed up in those boxes … they’re all me. And I’m feeling ready to have all of her back into my life now.
Some Unexpected Motivation
When I arrived home today the landlady told me that a storage space opened up in the basement and I can have it if I want, but I have to use it right away because if people see it empty they’ll want it.
Hmm….
Some unexpected motivation.
You see, I’ll have to start putting stuff in there as of this weekend or I could lose it. Apparently there are more apartments than there are storage lockers, so everyone wants one and there’s a waiting list. I’ve been waiting over a year now. And the even better good news is it’s free. No extra rental costs involved.
I thought about turning it down but then said yes. Don’t know why I was going to turn it down. I think I had some crazy idea a few weeks ago that I could get rid of everything and wouldn’t need the storage space. But at the last minute when I was standing there looking at it I said yes I’d take it. It’s not that big, but I can put quite a bit of stuff in there.
Here’s the thing though, I have to sort out the boxes I have now because I don’t want to be dragging them down there only to have to bring them back up. Also, I know there is stuff in there I need, or at least could use, and so I want to unpack that stuff, and then pack-up the stuff I don’t need in the rubbermaid containers I have and put those down there. I just don’t want to blindly put stuff down there without knowing what’s in there – I want there to be some order.
Anyway, it’s all kind of motivating because there’s such a demand for these spaces I’ll need to get working on filling it up right away. It’s just cages so everyone can see inside. So if I don’t fill it within a few days I’ll have to give it up because too many people will complain. Oh well … people can be weird sometimes.
I noticed a lot of people have rubbermaid containers, boxes, bags, lots of junk … so apparently I’m not the only one with junk hanging around. That made me feel a bit better, actually.
So I’m kinda excited about it. In a way I don’t really want to do it – but that’s obvious because I haven’t sorted out the boxes in almost 4 years. I’m not exaggerating when I say the ones in my front hall are exactly where the movers put them when I moved in here. I never, ever moved them or looked at them or unpacked them. They’ve just been sitting there as if I moved in yesterday.
I stood and looked at all the boxes after I found out about the storage space and had a light feeling in my heart. I said out loud – this is all gonna be gone this weekend! And then I felt a little emotional and teary. It was an exhilarating feeling to know that by this time next week most, if not all, of those boxes will be gone and I’ll have that space for the first time since moving here almost 4 years ago.
And more importantly, I know I can do it. Because I’ve done so much already. Having to clean my place in a hurry a couple of weeks ago has really lifted my spirits in the end. Since that time I’ve maintained my apartment and it continues to be clean and tidy. I just need to get rid of the boxes in the hallway and then tackle the bedroom and then I’m even closer to normal.
A little scary, but it’s a good scary. I’m not feeling overwhelmed at all! I’m really more relieved. I feel like there’s an end to my madness just around the corner … and I’m not fearing the process like I usually do.
A New Day
Wow – what a night. Here it is almost 5pm and I haven’t been to sleep yet. As mentioned in my 2 previous posts … I stayed up all night and wow – what progress I made.
Thank you Melinda for your comment – I read it around 2am and it really helped to boost my self-esteem and inspire me to keep going. I really appreciated that.
I’m really so proud of myself. I did everything as I planned and I was showered and ready around 8:30 am. As it turned out – no one even came into my apartment! Kinda funny but not really. I’m pretty exhausted and ultimately glad no one came in – but I’m grateful for the scare. I know me and I know I would not have made this much progress on my own. I needed that push.
When I first saw the note letting me know people would be coming in – I was terrified and a little grateful but really too terrified to feel grateful. What I mean is, there was a part of me way down deep (maybe the real me) who was happy I was getting this push – because without it I know I’d continue to doddle along – not making a lot of progress.
But now …. wow, progress plus, plus!
I’m so happy with how my place looks right now. And when it was all done and I was sitting on the couch watching tv I saw a commercial for some new show about hoarders – sigh. It made me cry a little to be honest. Not sure I’ll be watching it.
Anyway – for the first time since I moved in 3 years ago I now have an actual livingroom and dining room area. It feels so GREAT! And it’s clean. There are a few things that need to be organized, like my books, etc., but other than that … it’s so nice and tidy.
My furniture is old and I have blankets over them – so it’s not really the living space I want but it’s mine and it’s clean. As I looked around I kind of felt like I was in someone else’s home. I think that’s because when I divorced I got rid of all my stuff – well most of it. I got rid of all the “things” that were “me” and now here I am in this mish-mash of stuff that’s not really mine. It’s odd. But I have a huge sense that I want to make this place mine and I think that’s a good thing.
My kitchen and bathroom are clean – more clean than I’ve seen them in years. It was a joy having a shower this morning and getting out and drying my hair – wow, it really was a joy.
My hallway is still lined with boxes – but I feel empowered to dismantle them more so than I have since moving here.
My bedroom is a MESS! The door is closed and I’m going to keep it that way for the rest of the day. Why open it and upset myself right now. One thing is for sure – I’m motivated to clean it up. And to be fair – it’s not that bad. It’s in better shape than it was a week ago so that’s progress.
The dumpsters are outside right now because it’s garbage day tomorrow – otherwise I’d take the few garbage bags I have left (in my bedroom) and throw them out. In the end I put 3 or 4 in there because I didn’t feel I had time to take them downstairs before 9am today – and then the dumpsters were moved so I have to wait until tomorrow now.
It’s a weird feeling knowing that I only have a few bags of garbage in my apartment – lol. It’s weird! It’s a good weird though!
Anyway – it really is a new day.
And I think I’ve created an interesting side-effect … by staying up all night I think I may have re-set my internal clock, so I’m hoping for a more normal sleep tonight – we’ll see. Also, my cats are so freaking happy it’s making me smile … even laugh out loud a few times!
I’m feeling extremely tired right now … but also grateful. Grateful that I let myself be the adult I know I am. It’s a nice feeling. Being a helpless child was comforting for many years but ultimately it was so destructive for me.
Right now – I’m satisfied. Relieved. Happy. Empowered.
Yay me
