MyBlueFunk

Had an interesting night. It’s always interesting when I’m out interacting with others, mostly because I have to lie all the time. I’m good at it. On my way home I was in a good mood for the most part. I had to stop for groceries – bought only good stuff. Instead of chips for snacking I bought baby carrots – which I actually like so I don’t know why I don’t buy them more often.

I was enjoying the music on the drive home, an old Commodores love song from the 80s came on. I was letting myself fantasize about love.  I have several make-believe relationships in my head …  and as I was enjoying the reverie all of a sudden I realized I’ve never had love like that and probably never will.

I remembered back to when that song was popular I was a young woman, 20 or 21.  I was in love with a married man at work. It was a huge crush.  We never even kissed.  We danced once at an office party.  I was actually dating or engaged at the time – can’t remember the time-line.  Not to mention I was a virgin. That was the stupidest mistake of my life.  I hate when I hear adult women telling their daughters to remain virgins until they marry, especially when they never did that themselves.  Trust me – it’s no way to go into marriage.  It’s a HUGE mistake. HUGE.

I understand telling young girls that, but by the time they’re 18 and older I think it’s the wrong message because it basically sets up your daughter to have a whole bunch of hang ups.  Ultimately she’ll probably never have a healthy sex life and why would you deny her that?  I don’t get it, unless they have their own weird hangups.  Ultimately I guess I have no idea because I don’t have kids, but I think telling your daughter to wait until she’s an adult and in love is a better message than simply telling her to wait until her wedding night.

And I’m not suggesting people need to have thousands of sexual partners, although if that’s what you want to do go for it, but I’m just saying this idea of saving yourself for marriage is very damaging.  Probably just as damaging as being overly promiscuous.  Both kinda mess ya up for a healthy relationship.

I think if I had received a different message, or ignored the message I was told, then my life would have been a lot better.  I think I actually met the man I was suppose to marry about a year after I was married.  He and I were probably meant for each other.  Or maybe not. All I know is if I’d had a healthier and more “normal” attitude about sex I would have never married and probably would have had a relationship with this other man – and who knows where my life would have gone from there. Maybe it would have been worse, who knows – but I’d like to go back and re-live those years differently.

Anyway, back to the song, it left me feeling sad. So I came in and ate right away. Then I felt really sad and wanted to cry but I couldn’t.  Then I turned on TV and Larry King had all these “experts” on talking about how to live your life better – blah, blah.  I hate those experts and I didn’t need one of them to tell me what I’d just done.  I was upset and rather than think about it I ate.  I ate to numb any feelings.  Then felt crappy. Crappy is an okay feeling to feel, apparently.

Normally in situations like these I’d just eat some more, feel more crappy, stay up until 5am and get up at 6pm.  I’m not gonna do that this time though.  This time I decided that this was a significant enough event to blog about.  I figure if I just start typing some sense will come of it all.  So here I am.  Typing. Thinking. Feeling. Yikes.

So here goes ….

Being alone is not easy.  I’ve lived alone for almost 16 years now. Wow – I had to re-count that because I can’t believe it’s been that long. Yet it’s hard for me to even remember my life prior to that. I had been married 10 years – and we were together 14 years.  That’s a lot of years.  I was 17 when I met him. Way too young.  But show me a 17 year old who thinks they’re a kid.

After he left me I figured I’d be alone for ever. Everyone told me I’d meet someone, but I knew I wouldn’t.  I was too shy.  Too unsure of myself sexually.  It was another 6 years before I did anything about it – I met up with guy I met online. A one night stand. Or a one afternoon lay-down.  Whatever – I felt invigorated by my little adventure. Of course it was totally stupid as I didn’t take any precautions, but as it turned out he wasn’t a murderer.  He also didn’t know what he was doing – and considering I really didn’t either it was kinda blah.  But that didn’t stop me from feeling totally alive.  I never told anyone about it until another 4 years past. And it was about another 7 years until I was with a man again.

This time, out of the blue, the building manager at my old apartment propositioned me.  I was surprised, thought he wanted to go for coffee – but no, he made it clear he just wanted sex.  I didn’t know if he was attracted to me or just saw me as an easy target. But I was a bit flattered.  For my shyness I’m kind of a flirt and he was very lonely and was surprised that I was flirting with him.  So he decided to take it to the next level – which no other man had even suggested before.

I took him up on his offer – then learned he was married. Which I had kind of figured but really didn’t want to know.  My husband had cheated on me and it was devastating. I couldn’t understand how anyone could do that. But here I was doing it.  And I continued seeing him for over a year.

I learned something important about myself sexually during that year. I learned that all those years my ex had ignored me sexually wasn’t necessarily my fault. I’d always thought there was something wrong with me.  But with this guy I realized I was perfectly normal.  Vanilla – but normal. Which was good because he wasn’t interested in anything kinky and neither was I.  Although I guess it kind of depends on your definition of kinky, but for the most part we were pretty vanilla – ha.

I remember one day I felt like calling my ex and telling him I was sexually active, and a man found me sexually exciting and, well …. so there!  I didn’t, of course, but I sure wanted to.  I had that conversation in my head many times.  I did feel alive during that time.  I realize having an affair with a married man is wrong, but it did bring me back to life in many ways.

Since then I’ve kind of died a little again.  But I don’t think at my age I’ll find the love of my life.  Men my age are either looking for a traditional ‘wife’ which I’m not, or they’re looking for a hot momma, again – which I’m not.

Sexually, the women out there who are my competition, are way beyond me. I’m pretty conservative which is odd because I’m a very liberal person in every other way. And very open to the lifestyles other people live. I don’t have judgment on sexual behaviours. One of my sisters is gay and she and I have had some outrageous conversations about sex – and nothing shocks me. I don’t really think certain things are moral or not. I just don’t think that way.

Maybe if I was in a relationship where I felt safe I’d be more adventurous. I think that’s probably true. But I’m not even thinking in those terms because to be perfectly honest – sex is one of the last things I think about. Obviously, since it’s not really been a big part of my life.

What I really want, and what I miss the most, is the intellectual stimulation. The emotional bond. The conversation. Yes! Conversation!  I so miss that.  I have lots of conversations with people everyday, but I so miss that intimate conversation you can only have with someone who cares about you and who knows who you really are.  That I miss so very much.  Even though I never really had a lot of that in my life, but I’ve had just enough to know that’s what I miss and what I want.

This is the longest freaking post I’ve ever written!  Good grief.  And now I have to re-read it for typos and to see if it even makes any sense.  I just started typing – no thinking.  I’ll do the thinking and feeling after I re-read it. Yikes.