I’m Suppose to be Cleaning Right Now
Yes, and I’ve had lots of notice so I only have myself to blame that at 7pm on a Sunday night I haven’t really done anything as of yet … and the inspectors will be here at 9am tomorrow morning. It’s our annual smoke detector inspection. They’ll just be in and out within a few minutes – so it’s no big deal, not a real “inspection”. But people still have to come into my home and in the state it’s in right now I’m sure my next note from the landlord would be an eviction notice.
So ….
Eventho I found out about this yesterday at 2pm … I didn’t take advantage of the time. Oh no. I don’t do things like that.
I know I’ll be up all night, like I always do and will be rushing around in the last hour trying to do everything “just in time”.
That’s me.
I hate it.
But if I really hated it that much I’d change it.
Anyway, now I’m off to get things organized. I’m not looking forward to it. I can feel the panic just bubbling below the surface.
The thing is, I know I’ll be successful. I know come 9am everything will be okay. Not sparkly clean but okay enough. Still … it’s gonna be a long night.
Update: 10pm – kitchen is done, livingroom is half done. Now going to watch Dexter 
Then I have the bathroom & hallway. The hallway is the biggest mess with all the boxes. I’m mostly going to organize them and make them look less chaotic. Then I’ll close the bedroom door … which is an insane room. I thought I might get that done but I decided to leave it. I started in there and did make some progress but then decided it was just distracting me – because I can close the door and they don’t need in there. So … that’s where I am now.
2nd Update: 1:10 am – going along well. You know, for the most part. No panic attacks and that’s wonderful! A couple of times I felt overwhelmed and I did what’s worked in the past. I stopped. Sat down. Told myself to give myself a break with the understanding that I had to, and could, get back to it when I felt calmer. And it worked. I’m thinking I have about an hours work left, maybe two. And the reality is I usually don’t go to bed until 4am anyway, so no big deal. Altho I have to be showered by 9am, but again, no biggie. The thing I’ve noticed is this isn’t taking me as long this time, which tells me I’m getting better at maintaining my place in between big clean-ups. And … I’m also not giving myself such a hard time, so that’s making things a bit better as well. Off now to continue my work.
Feeling Angry
So now my mood has switched to anger. Frustration and anger. My life isn’t how I want it to be and to get it to the way I want will take some astronomical maneuvers. And just the thought of what I have to do is wearing me down. I know I need to break it all down into little steps but that’s just so frustrating. Perhaps I’m just putting up road blocks, but to be honest … the little steps are exhausting and there’s even some financial issues involved that stop me.
I just wish I could close my eyes and open them again and have the living space I want. Have the car I want. Have the life I want.
I know practically everyone out there wishes they could do that. And I know it’s not a reality.
Anyway. Just the thought of all the steps, and the fact that I’m stuck here right now … it’s all making me angry. I sure hope I’m not feeling this way tomorrow. I guess some would say I’m responsible for my mood, but most times it doesn’t seem that way.
I hope I do a few things tomorrow so that I don’t feel like I wasted my weekend yet again this week. That all gets exhausting too.
I did my budget the other day … that’s probably adding to my anger. No matter how ya slice it, I’m living in poverty and that’s not going to change any time soon for a vast variety of reasons. I’m just coming out of my 2nd bankruptcy and due to health issues I can’t change my job right now. So … I’m stuck. I’m lucky in one way that I have a job but … I still feel kinda stuck.
Anyway. Anger, anger, anger. It’s not propelling me forward this time, it’s just making my heart beat faster and it’s making me breath heavier … and just making me really frustrated and anxious. Not pleasant.
And it’s 12:30 or something in the morning. I’ve been falling asleep around 5am lately … then getting up and going to work which for me starts at 11am. The weird sleeping and lack of sleep is not helping me I know.
Okay – that’s it for that bitching.
I just wanted to track my mood in hopes that it will help me in the long run. I actually think it will help me eventually.
OnLine Addictions
Way back in 1999 when I got my first computer, and first logged on to the internet – I got addicted. I was staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning in a chat room. It was crazy. All the people I met in there were like my best friends. About 5 months later it all came crashing down. I thought I was lucky because I got out within a relatively short period of time. But it was an intense period of time for me and when it started to fizzle out I was really lost. I was hurt. It was very emotional. All those people meant a lot to me. They were real. I even thought I was in love at one point. Some of the people in the chat room met in real life, I never did which was probably a good thing because most of the stories I heard turned out less than expected. Peoples hopes were dashed and it ruined their online life. And in some cases even ruined their real lives.
Anyway, I unplugged just before Christmas 1999 and didn’t turn my computer on until 2005. But I’d only go on for email or to do searches once in a while. I tried online dating for a few months – but that didn’t work so I basically logged-of again.
Then in 2007 I started a blog. A fun blog, not this one – lol. It was quite popular but it got a bit overwhelming for a lot of different reasons, and ultimately I ended up feeling empty. Maybe I was still just looking for attention or something, or friendships – not sure. But it didn’t feel real anymore so I started this one which I don’t advertise anywhere and I don’t promote. It really is for me. I guess I could write all this in a book somewhere or on my computer and not post it … but I do post it and I do appreciate the feedback I get. But that’s not the main point of this blog. And I’m not addicted to this blog like I was with the other one, or like I was with the chat rooms.
But now I have facebook and it’s becoming a problem.
I first opened up a FB page under a fake name to get the hang of it. Then I opened one under my real name and have a few friends and family as “friends”, most of whom don’t live any where near me so it is a nice way to keep in touch. I do have a couple of friends I used to work with who live near by on there but to be honest, I’d prefer not to keep in touch with them. We keep saying we’re going for coffee but never do.
Since all the people on my real page don’t play the games or whatever, I created another fake page where I could play the games without any one knowing.
Why?
Well, I got addicted to all the games and didn’t want to have that on my real page where people could see. So like all good addicts I hid my addiction. I have 4 fake FB pages now. It’s getting a bit out of control to be honest. It’s kinda funny, but not really.
At first I told myself I was doing it to relax at the end of the night, and that’s true – that’s what I was doing. Then I found myself going to it during work and not getting stuff done. Next thing I was staying up until 4am playing games. I’m not interacting with anyone on there – just have lots of friends who are obviously also addicted to the games.
I don’t know what to do. I enjoy it and wish I could go back to using it like I did in the beginning. But now on a Monday night I realize that I wasted all weekend glued to the computer.
The last couple of weekends I went out, spent time with family and was busy. It felt nice. I didn’t want to go out at first because my apartment is a mess (of course) but I decided that I should stop punishing myself and go out and have fun. Which was a good decision. But then weeks went by and my apartment didn’t improve and now here I am in the middle of September stuck again. So rather than go out and have fun this weekend I stayed in behind closed curtains playing on FB. I didn’t even buy groceries. Just junk food. Now I’m broke because that stuff can be expensive. And I did that right after my last post where I said I spent money wisely, lol. I was doing really well with my grocery budget actually, but I’ve blown it now.
I don’t know what to do. I’m a bit unmotivated again. I know there will be a smoke detector inspection in the apartment sometime this month – that’s why I wanted to take last month to get things in order. I got started but never moved past the first few steps.
All of this wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t hate the way my life is right now. I want to have a bed, and a bedroom. I want to have a fridge with some food in it. I want to have a normal apartment!
I want, I want. But I never DO anything to get what I want.
Maybe if I post this and re-read it later it will motivate me – that’s worked for me in the past, so here’s hoping.
I really need to do something. It’s at a critical point now.
I Have a Lot of Anger
I get angry a lot but rarely show it, or maybe I do but just not in the normal outrage way. My anger is often turned inward or sent outward through sarcasm, apathy or frustration.
The other day my boss asked me if she’d done something to upset me, so obviously my anger is visible even if I don’t think it is. It would have been a good time to talk to her about some of her behaviour toward me but I said nothing. Now I’m stuck in a situation where I’m trying not to seem frustrated with her while hiding how I really feel and it’s all just a big mess which has me angry at myself for not saying something.
I have gotten really angry when I was alone – and smashed things. It’s a bit scary. The anger just wells up inside of me and I just grab something and start banging and I’m furious and in that moment I feel like I could kill something. Of course I don’t really think I could kill anything it’s just that’s how I feel in those few seconds when I let the anger come out. Afterwards I don’t feel better or worse. I just am. I’m a little relieved I guess, but it’s not a good or bad feeling. I just don’t feel angry anymore.
I think sometimes it’s just the build up of everything I hate about me and my life bubbling up. I’m tired of psychoanalyzing myself to be honest. I’d just like to get up one day and go about it in a shallow way – not thinking of what lies beneath but just be happy because it’s sunny outside and not raining and I’m alive. Why don’t I ever feel like that? There’s always a touch of melancholy in me no matter what. It’s always there like a sore tooth. Just humming beneath the surface. I hate it.
Anyway, as usual after having some success last weekend this weekend I’m sitting here stressed and unable to do anything. That makes me angry.
I’m angry that my life is like this. I’m angry that my apartment looks like this. I’m angry that i look like this. I’m angry that I hate my job and can’t leave it. I’m angry that I got paid on Friday and have no money. I’m angry that this same cycle will continue day after day after day. And I’m most angry that no matter how many times I try I can’t seem to break this stupid cycle. That I hop off it for a while, like a few days, and then I’m back on it again. Not sure why that is. Maybe I miss it. Maybe I don’t know how to live without it. And if that’s the case – that makes me angry too.
She’s All Me
It’s been a totally weird weekend. In an emotional way. I did manage to get some stuff re-packed and into my new storage space, which was nice. But I have a lot more to do. I probably could have done more, I think sometimes I’m lazy or just unmotivated … and then I think, well I don’t really have a time-line and I’m only answerable to me … and life’s short so I might as well take a few breaks to enjoy the weekend as well.
I don’t know which is the right attitude. All I know is I did quite a bit this weekend but not as much as I hoped … yet more than I thought I would. Round and round my mind goes.
I found a lot of stuff I’d forgotten about. Old photos, notebooks, memories. It was hard at times. I had a few little cries but to be honest nothing really overly emotional. I’d shed a few tears and then just keep on going, or go out for some fresh air. I think in retrospect I probably did everything at the right rate – because it was what I could handle. And really that’s all I can do.
I spent some time looking at old photos of me – from when I was married. Who was that woman? I also found a few from an office party. I can’t even remember who those people are – so odd because at the time they seemed so important to me. Most of them – well their faces were unknown to me.
I think I wanted to keep all that stuff in boxes and restart my life. I didn’t want to go back or even acknowledge that woman, or girl … depending on which box I opened. Some of the boxes were from before I was married and still living at home with my parents.
I unpacked some nic-nacs and other items that had memories attached. It wasn’t as devastating as I thought it would be and in a way I kind of like re-integrating all those parts of me that I severed. There’s the little girl who was just a child, the young woman who lived at home with her parents, the young woman who lived with her husband, the devastated woman left behind by her husband, the woman who went over the deep end and planned her suicide, the wounded woman who couldn’t hold a job and had to be rescued by family. She’s all me.
She is all me and she’s not that different from the me now.
I found a journal from June 1999. It took my breath away. It was only me answering 3 questions my therapist had for me. What do I want to have? What do I want to do? What do I want to be?
What shocked me was I could have written it yesterday. The first thing I wrote for What I Want to Have … “A clean apartment. No garbage. Sanitized bathroom and kitchen. No clothes around. Everything in its place.”
The second thing I wrote … “The energy to do this”.
My goodness. That’s pretty much what this blog is all about and here it is 10 years later.
It was a little upsetting because it brought into focus how these past 10 years have been so hard for me. How I’ve been side-lined by this hoarding obsession, along with a lot of other things, and it’s stopped me from living my life fully. Maybe unpacking and bringing all these things back into my life is a much more positive move than I had anticipated.
I do feel like I am integrating all those parts of me back together again. I don’t think I separated them on purpose, or maybe I did. I think a part of me was too wounded to think about who I used to be. And I used to be so optimistic that I couldn’t bear to acknowledge that I lived my life with rose coloured glasses on.
I also had a bit of anxiety thinking that by bringing these things back into my life I was moving backwards. As if by packing up my life I was leaving it behind and moving forward. Of course I haven’t moved forward at all. But when I was putting out certain items I had this thought – what if my Ex showed up (that’s not going to happen) and saw all this old stuff – it would be as if I hadn’t moved forward. Of course by opening up these boxes and using the things in them doesn’t mean I want my husband back nor does it mean I want that old life back. It’s a bit confusing, to be honest.
But this weekend has been insightful. I’ve had lots of emotions but none of them over-took me. I’d be sad, angry, happy, content, frustrated, tired, anxious … you name it I felt it. But at least I felt it.
I hung a sun catcher on my door that I found. I don’t really remember when I bought it but I remember it was in several of my homes. I’ve been looking at it off and on all weekend. My first thought was to hang it right away. Not sure why, it’s nothing special and I don’t have any emotions attached to it. Then I thought, no don’t hang it – don’t bring “her” into here. Then I washed it off and hung it in the window in my door.
I like it.
And I like that I’m bringing little bits of “her” back into my life. She’s not so bad. She’s kind of nice actually. And … she’s me. All those women, girls, I packed up in those boxes … they’re all me. And I’m feeling ready to have all of her back into my life now.
Today
Feeling a bit sad today. Just thought it was worth noting. Not sure why I’m feeling this way, or maybe I am. Maybe it’s the sense of feeling overwhelmed with all I have to do in front of me.
I was at a family thing earlier today – it was enjoyable. But now I’m home alone and feeling a little sad. Maybe it’s just being alone that has me down.
I dunno.
I think that right now it has a lot more to do with the state of my apartment. Perhaps I’ll feel better if I just tidy up one small area in my livingroom. Just thinking about doing it is making me sad. That’s kinda weird. But as I said, these feelings are worth noting. Usually I just ignore them and do nothing and then when Monday roles around I wonder how I managed to waste the entire weekend and end up feeling way worse.
Anyway – I think part of it is … this is kind of complicated and even nonsensical. But – part of it is … when I look around and decide to do one small thing it’s as if I’m acknowledging that I need to do something. It makes my entire messy chaos real. The nonsensical part of that is … if I do nothing the messy chaos is still there. But it’s only hard for me to deal with when I start cleaning up. If that makes any sense. When I don’t clean-up it’s easier for me to ignore it and I feel better. Or maybe I feel nothing. Maybe that’s it.
Let me see if I can think this out some more.
I guess I also find it hard when I think someone is going to come in to my apartment. That’s way worse than what I feel when I start to clean-up.
So – that’s important to notice too.
Okay. Enough thinking for now. Thinking is easier than feeling. Wow – that was deep, lol. But it’s true! Thinking IS easier than feeling! Feeling is scary.
All right … deep breath. Off I go. To do something good for me.
Yeah – that’s right, that’s how I have to think of it. I’m cleaning up as a gift to myself. It’s not a punishment. It’s not a statement on how awful I am.
The state of my apartment is not a statement on me. It just is. It just is a messy apartment. So now … I have to be nice to myself and give myself a little gift. And the gift I’m going to give myself is a tidy livingroom.
Sigh.
lol
Okay – I did mean all that it’s just … really hard!
I’m going. Off to be successful.
