Today
I decided to stay home and clean up, of course I didn’t. I just sat on the couch, well layed, and felt medicated. Plus there’s that ringing in my ears.
11pm and I took out 2 bags, then 4 and then 3. 9 in all. That’s an accomplishment, but it doesn’t feel like it.
A failure again.
It’s hard to see the accomplishment when there’s so much failure all around me.
Beauty in Decay
I found this photo thru google, it had a tag line that said, “there’s beauty in decay.” I guess that’s true when you’re talking about wood or something.
Anyway, it’s a bit how I’m feeling now. A little decayed but hopeful.
I signed the final paperwork for my bankruptcy today. My 2nd bankruptcy. Oh joy. On the way there my tire went flat again … it went flat on Tuesday as well.
I opened the glove box against my better judgment to look for some papers, that let’s face it I knew it wouldn’t be in there, anyway … now the glove box door won’t close.
On the way out of the parking lot after having signed the paperwork my muffler fell down just a little more … so I’ll definitely have to bring it in for repair this weekend. I still owe both my niece and sister about 200 each for previous car repairs.
Ah well…yeah, decay … but ever hopeful. Well, kinda hopeful. To be honest I’m just to darn tired to be anything.
Doctor appointment tomorrow…just to get prescription refill. But I didn’t do the tests he wanted me to do from the last time I was in there…like 5 months ago.
Should be interesting.
Still Doing Okay
Yes, it’s still going well and I’m still doing okay. Another day down and a little closer to the weekend.
I’m not going to put too much pressure on myself for things to do over the weekend, but I do have to remember to put at least a little pressure on … otherwise I’ll just end up doing what I did last weekend and all the weekends before – which is nothing.
So that’s how I’m doing right now … and that’s my plan for the next few days. Slow and easy … a little pressure but not so much that I paralyze myself.
Ah yes, sounds good to me.
My mood is better and I did manage to get some decent sleep last night – not a lot but some. It may be because I’m back on my medication or it could be as simple as the fact that I actually left the apartment … and went out into the world. Maybe it’s a combination. I dunno.
But I will try to remember all of this next weekend when the anxiety and agoraphobic feelings set in again, as they inevitably do.
Feeling Better
Well, I am feeling better, even thought everything’s still the same. Getting cleaned-up and going to work helped! 
I have to remember that staying inside for more than 1 day at a time is not good. Brings on symptoms of agoraphobia for me. Two days inside and the depression sets in. Then I have huge anxiety when I have to leave the apartment. Not good.
I tell myself this every Friday, but I rarely listen. By Tuesday I’ve been holed-up for 3 days straight. I’ll see how successful I am this coming weekend. I want to be successful. At least I think I do. I seem to keep putting road blocks in my way for someone who wants to succeed.
Grrr….
Ah well, one more day down. A few more ’till the weekend. I keep thinking things will be different then. I guess they only will be if I make them different.
I have made a few positive steps … and I shouldn’t ignore that. I’ve made arrangements to get my finances in order … that’s good. And I made that doctor’s appointment for a prescription refill. Again … that’s good.
So it’s good because while I haven’t made a lot of strides forward, I haven’t taken any backwards. And that does make me feel a bit better.
Still Procrastinating
Yeah, I’m still avoiding.
I’m thinking that not being on my medication regularly is adding to the problem. I’m suppose to be taking 100 mg of Zoloft. I was on 200 mg several years ago, but I went off it on my own … it wasn’t good.
Lately I’ve been going on and off it … depending on if I had the money for the prescription or not. It’s so darn expensive, about $90 a month … that’s money I don’t really have. Ah well, I’ll have to find it somewhere. I know it’s not good to go off & on it whenever … it’s bad for my health. I need some consistency here.
I just took one. I have 4 left. I need to make a doctor’s appointment to get a renewal. I keep putting that off too. Gee, it’s almost like I don’t want myself to get better. Hmmm…
And for those of you out there who think anti-depressants make you happy … they don’t. What they do for me is just keep my head bobbing above water. Heck, if they made me happy I’d stay on them. They don’t. They make me able to function … like get out of bed in the morning and not constantly think about suicide. But make me happy? Nope.
A happy pill would be great … never had one of those though.
