Feeling Angry
So now my mood has switched to anger. Frustration and anger. My life isn’t how I want it to be and to get it to the way I want will take some astronomical maneuvers. And just the thought of what I have to do is wearing me down. I know I need to break it all down into little steps but that’s just so frustrating. Perhaps I’m just putting up road blocks, but to be honest … the little steps are exhausting and there’s even some financial issues involved that stop me.
I just wish I could close my eyes and open them again and have the living space I want. Have the car I want. Have the life I want.
I know practically everyone out there wishes they could do that. And I know it’s not a reality.
Anyway. Just the thought of all the steps, and the fact that I’m stuck here right now … it’s all making me angry. I sure hope I’m not feeling this way tomorrow. I guess some would say I’m responsible for my mood, but most times it doesn’t seem that way.
I hope I do a few things tomorrow so that I don’t feel like I wasted my weekend yet again this week. That all gets exhausting too.
I did my budget the other day … that’s probably adding to my anger. No matter how ya slice it, I’m living in poverty and that’s not going to change any time soon for a vast variety of reasons. I’m just coming out of my 2nd bankruptcy and due to health issues I can’t change my job right now. So … I’m stuck. I’m lucky in one way that I have a job but … I still feel kinda stuck.
Anyway. Anger, anger, anger. It’s not propelling me forward this time, it’s just making my heart beat faster and it’s making me breath heavier … and just making me really frustrated and anxious. Not pleasant.
And it’s 12:30 or something in the morning. I’ve been falling asleep around 5am lately … then getting up and going to work which for me starts at 11am. The weird sleeping and lack of sleep is not helping me I know.
Okay – that’s it for that bitching.
I just wanted to track my mood in hopes that it will help me in the long run. I actually think it will help me eventually.
Debt
I have a lot of it. Well, I did before bankruptcy. I’ve had to declare bankruptcy twice. It’s not fun and the decision wasn’t made easily.
For the most part I’m back on track, altho I just found out today that I owe about 2,500 in back taxes for 2008. Will probably owe about that much for this year as well. So … by the time I come out of bankruptcy in the new year I’ll have a debt close to 5,000 dollars. Nice.
Why am I thinking of all this now? Well, last month I forgot about my car insurance, I haven’t done that in a long time. Anyway, the cheque bounced. It’s the first time I’ve bounced a cheque or had to put a stop payment on anything in years. And even before then I wasn’t one to bounce cheques. Heck I didn’t even have a chequing account for a long time.
Anyway … I go to cash my pay cheque today and there’s a new teller so she had to get authority to deposit my cheque and give me back 100 dollars cash. It’s pretty ordinary because she’s new, but it was a big problem because she said I had a hold on my account. I hadn’t had a hold on my account for years. Or maybe I did and they were just ignoring it because I hadn’t bounced any cheques. I dunno but it upset me. She had to go talk to her supervisor who took forever to make the decision. At one point I thought by their body language they weren’t going to do it.
It pissed me off. I mean I could go to a cheque cashing place and pay 20 bucks to cash my cheque and then come back and deposit cash. What the hell’s the difference. It’s stupid. And I was getting angrier. Then I felt the tears start to come. I had to turn away.
Finally the teller came back and said there was no problem and it was because she was new, but I also know it’s because of my credit rating. It’s just that before today I didn’t think there was a note on my account.
I took my cash and left. The tears were flowing by the time I got to the car.
I hate that feeling.
I hate being in bankruptcy.
I hate that my car is about to break down and I can’t get a different one, one that works better. And to top it off my car started making that knocking noise today of all days, after not doing that for months.
I dunno.
The thing is I don’t have anything. I don’t have nice things. Not that having nice things are important, but it would be nice to have half decent things … something to make my apartment feel like a home. Everything I did have prior to going into bankruptcy is long gone from when I was divorced like 14 or 15 years ago. My ex-husband didn’t have to declare bankruptcy but that’s because he found a good job with benefits and a pension. One he found because of his education that I helped him with and that I never benefited from. I worked my entire life. I left my job of 14 years with a pension and benefits (a government job) to relocate with him and then two months later he leaves me for another woman. Nice.
I don’t think about all that too often, or very much, but on days like this when I’m sitting here on the couch that once belonged to my parents I just feel sad. This stupid furniture is over 30 years old and falling apart. And I mean really falling apart. I don’t have a bed. Well I have one but it’s been destroyed and needs to be taken to the dump but that costs money so it sits in my room unusable. That’s a long story – too boring to share, but it’s just not usable. So I have to sleep on the couch.
I don’t have a nice home. I used to – but all that’s gone. He has a nice home. I was too devastated to really fight for anything at the time. He didn’t take stuff from me I just left it all. Plus I really didn’t want any of it – I wanted a clean break. And at the time I was naive enough to think that things would work out for me because I had always had a job. I’ve been working since I was 17. That’s 30 years and I don’t have a bed. It’s annoying.
I take responsibility for where I am, I’m just bitching right now. I know I made a lot of stupid financial decisions after my divorce that put me even deeper in debt. That I own. But it’s still frustrating. And today’s incident at the bank coupled with my tax info just threw it all back in my face big time.
Every month I’m so careful about what I do with my money. My rent is more that 50% of my income so it really doesn’t leave me with a lot. And I’m living in one of the cheapest apartments around. I know – I did the research. Plus I’ve moved around several times to save on rent but after a while that gets expensive because you have to factor in the cost of the move and all the set up fees for utilities, etc. But for what I pay in rent I’m actually in a nice building, it’s clean and there are no party animals – which is rare for a low rent building. Where I used to live it was a bit scary, to be honest. But when I think about the house I used to own when I was married – well there’s no comparison. And when I think about the fact the he owns a home … well … I can get pretty upset.
I’m trying to think calmly and focus now though. I mean I was upset but there’s not a lot I can do about anything. I finally have a good paying job, no benefits but the hours are good and the pay is okay. The work environment is better than previous jobs I’ve had. My apartment isn’t like my house, but it’s better than any other apartment I’ve ever lived in since my divorce, and there’s been quite a few. I don’t waste money. I don’t save any either. But I use what I have wisely. I’m not looking forward to having to pay my back taxes because that’s going to be difficult and probably take years to pay off. I don’t know how I’m going to afford it because right now I haven’t been able to renew my prescriptions this month – the pharmacist called twice to tell me they’re ready. But I haven’t had the money to pick them up until today, which was pay day. So for the past 10 days I’ve had no medication. That’s not good.
Anyway.
I know I’ve taken all the right steps to get things moving forward in a positive way. It’s just on days like this I realize how far I have to go and how many steps I have left to take to get myself back to where I was 20 years ago. But I can’t let the frustration and anger get to me.
That’s why I’m glad I have this blog to type it all out.
I’m still feeling a bit anxious but not as overwhelmed.
Baby steps. I just gotta keep moving forward slowly … taking positive baby steps.
Not as Angry
I realized recently that during the day and on the evenings when I go out – I don’t feel as angry. I only feel really angry on those days I’ve been inside my apartment for a few days.
How many times do I have to remind myself that isolating myself is bad for … myself!
I dunno, I think I have to tell myself that A LOT!
I Have a Lot of Anger
I get angry a lot but rarely show it, or maybe I do but just not in the normal outrage way. My anger is often turned inward or sent outward through sarcasm, apathy or frustration.
The other day my boss asked me if she’d done something to upset me, so obviously my anger is visible even if I don’t think it is. It would have been a good time to talk to her about some of her behaviour toward me but I said nothing. Now I’m stuck in a situation where I’m trying not to seem frustrated with her while hiding how I really feel and it’s all just a big mess which has me angry at myself for not saying something.
I have gotten really angry when I was alone – and smashed things. It’s a bit scary. The anger just wells up inside of me and I just grab something and start banging and I’m furious and in that moment I feel like I could kill something. Of course I don’t really think I could kill anything it’s just that’s how I feel in those few seconds when I let the anger come out. Afterwards I don’t feel better or worse. I just am. I’m a little relieved I guess, but it’s not a good or bad feeling. I just don’t feel angry anymore.
I think sometimes it’s just the build up of everything I hate about me and my life bubbling up. I’m tired of psychoanalyzing myself to be honest. I’d just like to get up one day and go about it in a shallow way – not thinking of what lies beneath but just be happy because it’s sunny outside and not raining and I’m alive. Why don’t I ever feel like that? There’s always a touch of melancholy in me no matter what. It’s always there like a sore tooth. Just humming beneath the surface. I hate it.
Anyway, as usual after having some success last weekend this weekend I’m sitting here stressed and unable to do anything. That makes me angry.
I’m angry that my life is like this. I’m angry that my apartment looks like this. I’m angry that i look like this. I’m angry that I hate my job and can’t leave it. I’m angry that I got paid on Friday and have no money. I’m angry that this same cycle will continue day after day after day. And I’m most angry that no matter how many times I try I can’t seem to break this stupid cycle. That I hop off it for a while, like a few days, and then I’m back on it again. Not sure why that is. Maybe I miss it. Maybe I don’t know how to live without it. And if that’s the case – that makes me angry too.
She’s All Me
It’s been a totally weird weekend. In an emotional way. I did manage to get some stuff re-packed and into my new storage space, which was nice. But I have a lot more to do. I probably could have done more, I think sometimes I’m lazy or just unmotivated … and then I think, well I don’t really have a time-line and I’m only answerable to me … and life’s short so I might as well take a few breaks to enjoy the weekend as well.
I don’t know which is the right attitude. All I know is I did quite a bit this weekend but not as much as I hoped … yet more than I thought I would. Round and round my mind goes.
I found a lot of stuff I’d forgotten about. Old photos, notebooks, memories. It was hard at times. I had a few little cries but to be honest nothing really overly emotional. I’d shed a few tears and then just keep on going, or go out for some fresh air. I think in retrospect I probably did everything at the right rate – because it was what I could handle. And really that’s all I can do.
I spent some time looking at old photos of me – from when I was married. Who was that woman? I also found a few from an office party. I can’t even remember who those people are – so odd because at the time they seemed so important to me. Most of them – well their faces were unknown to me.
I think I wanted to keep all that stuff in boxes and restart my life. I didn’t want to go back or even acknowledge that woman, or girl … depending on which box I opened. Some of the boxes were from before I was married and still living at home with my parents.
I unpacked some nic-nacs and other items that had memories attached. It wasn’t as devastating as I thought it would be and in a way I kind of like re-integrating all those parts of me that I severed. There’s the little girl who was just a child, the young woman who lived at home with her parents, the young woman who lived with her husband, the devastated woman left behind by her husband, the woman who went over the deep end and planned her suicide, the wounded woman who couldn’t hold a job and had to be rescued by family. She’s all me.
She is all me and she’s not that different from the me now.
I found a journal from June 1999. It took my breath away. It was only me answering 3 questions my therapist had for me. What do I want to have? What do I want to do? What do I want to be?
What shocked me was I could have written it yesterday. The first thing I wrote for What I Want to Have … “A clean apartment. No garbage. Sanitized bathroom and kitchen. No clothes around. Everything in its place.”
The second thing I wrote … “The energy to do this”.
My goodness. That’s pretty much what this blog is all about and here it is 10 years later.
It was a little upsetting because it brought into focus how these past 10 years have been so hard for me. How I’ve been side-lined by this hoarding obsession, along with a lot of other things, and it’s stopped me from living my life fully. Maybe unpacking and bringing all these things back into my life is a much more positive move than I had anticipated.
I do feel like I am integrating all those parts of me back together again. I don’t think I separated them on purpose, or maybe I did. I think a part of me was too wounded to think about who I used to be. And I used to be so optimistic that I couldn’t bear to acknowledge that I lived my life with rose coloured glasses on.
I also had a bit of anxiety thinking that by bringing these things back into my life I was moving backwards. As if by packing up my life I was leaving it behind and moving forward. Of course I haven’t moved forward at all. But when I was putting out certain items I had this thought – what if my Ex showed up (that’s not going to happen) and saw all this old stuff – it would be as if I hadn’t moved forward. Of course by opening up these boxes and using the things in them doesn’t mean I want my husband back nor does it mean I want that old life back. It’s a bit confusing, to be honest.
But this weekend has been insightful. I’ve had lots of emotions but none of them over-took me. I’d be sad, angry, happy, content, frustrated, tired, anxious … you name it I felt it. But at least I felt it.
I hung a sun catcher on my door that I found. I don’t really remember when I bought it but I remember it was in several of my homes. I’ve been looking at it off and on all weekend. My first thought was to hang it right away. Not sure why, it’s nothing special and I don’t have any emotions attached to it. Then I thought, no don’t hang it – don’t bring “her” into here. Then I washed it off and hung it in the window in my door.
I like it.
And I like that I’m bringing little bits of “her” back into my life. She’s not so bad. She’s kind of nice actually. And … she’s me. All those women, girls, I packed up in those boxes … they’re all me. And I’m feeling ready to have all of her back into my life now.
They Need Access to My Apartment Tomorrow
I just found this out at noon today on my way to work. I had to feign illness to come home early, although I am feel pretty ill. Can’t keep anything in my stomach and now that I’m home I can finally cry about it.
I feel like I’m about to be violated – and I know that sounds over the top but the reality for me is that’s how I feel.
I’m also feeling angry that I didn’t do anything over the weekend – just laid here like a dead whale doing nothing.
I’m also feeling defeated, like it’s too much for me to do and now I’m going to be exposed.
Sigh. Deep breath.
Then somewhere in the middle of that I’m thinking this is a good thing because it will force me to do something. Then I get mad because I don’t like being forced to do something … whatever.
Also somewhere down deep I’m feeling like I am capable, like I can do it.
On my way home in the car I just kept talking out loud to myself. Telling myself that I can do this. I told myself to stop at the store and get some cleaning supplies. To go home and map out what I was going to do. To allow myself until 10pm to vacuum and move stuff because after that we can’t be making lots of noise in the building.
So basically that’s about 5 hours or so to vacuum, move any furniture, etc. That’s enough time. Then my plan is to go out around 10 or so and buy anything else I need. To also start at that time to take out any garbage bags.
I don’t plan to sleep tonight but that’s okay because I don’t have to go to work tomorrow.
They won’t need access to my bedroom so I can put stuff in there. At least I don’t think they’ll need access to it. From what I understand they just need in the kitchen and the bathroom. But the hallway, livingroom & dining room are in between those 2 rooms … so I have to make all of those areas accessible and clean. Well, tidy. I need to “clean” the bathroom and kitchen. Which is seeming like an overwhelming task to be honest.
My train of thought is all over the place but I need to focus. I can do this.
I’m going to do what I told myself to do on the way home in the car. I’m now going to turn on the TV, get the air conditioner running … vacuum and tidy the livingroom & dining room area.
Then I’ll work on the kitchen.
Next the bathroom.
After that – I can organize the hallway (where all the boxes are) and then also put whatever needs to be into the bedroom.
I can do this.
I’m terrified and in the middle of a low-grade panic attack, but I know I can do this.
Oh my god … seriously. I’m so terrified. I hate this damn obsession. I really hate it.
I may use this blog to work through this thing tonight. I know I’ve done that in the past and it’s worked out really well. I need to focus my thoughts and stop crying right now.
Deep breath.
I have to think of who that woman is who goes out into the community. She’s very capable. Lot’s of people see me as capable. I know I am. I just have to transfer those skills I use out there to my home in here … and then I’ll be successful.
Wow – I just let out a big sigh.
I think I’m gonna be okay.
But I’m not kidding myself here – I know it’s going to be a night of panic and tears.
