MyBlueFunk

Yes it was.  Other than some silly work annoyances, it was a beautiful day.  I didn’t get much sleep last night, as my previous post states … but I did get some. That’s more than I usually get when I do the all night clean-up thing.  And I didn’t feel rushed at the end, I was done in plenty of time and there was no last minute panicked rush.  No real anxiety at all.

It’s so nice to have all this wonderful clean floor space.  And there’s a lot of it!  And usually that kind of freaks me out, but not this time.  This time it’s different for the first time.  I’m actually quite enjoying all the openness, and open space.  Normally after I clean out all the stuff I’ve hoarded I have a sense of loss, but also a sense of being unnerved by the space.  But not this time. Yay!

I’m totally enjoying today and this feeling.  I’m kind of sore from all the hard work, lol … but that will wear off and it’s good for me anyway.  I’m also tired from the lack of sleep but I’ll be going to bed (or couch) a bit earlier tonight and that’s also good for me. My success even has me looking forward to cleaning out the bedroom and actually getting a new mattress.  Oh to actually sleep in a bed!  I haven’t done that in almost 3 years … maybe more.  And I was in the bedroom yesterday sort of cleaning it out – and it wasn’t as scary as it was previous times.  I think that I’m making some good progress here and I’m proud of myself for that.

Heck, even the cats seem really happy!  They seem more relaxed and have been enjoying all the extra space as well.  Anyway, knowing they’re happier also makes me happy although to be honest, they are very well taken care of – I don’t hoard animals so that’s a good thing.  And they’re always well fed, clean, brushed, all that stuff, etc.

I did, unfortunately, have some weird work stuff happen today – but I handled it well.  Or, I guess I should say better than I usually do.  It caused me a little anxiety.  The thing is, when it was happening I recognized how I was feeling.  I was a little negative at first and I feel bad about that, but then I explained my uncertainty or concern that perhaps some of the choices being made weren’t the correct ones – and I had some agreement from others so that made me feel good, and like I wasn’t the only one thinking people were making a big elaborate deal out of something simple.  It was all professional and I think ultimately it’s going to work out okay.  Not the way I’d do it – but I think some people make elaborate plans when something more simple would do because they have the need to feel over-worked and in control.  That’s their deal, not mine. And while it’s not exactly the same, I kind of do that in my personal life … I don’t need to do it at work as well, ha!

So.  There ya have it.  I did it.  And like I said in the previous post, it didn’t take as long because I had kept my place in much better condition since my last big clean up.  So that’s a positive sign and I feel really good about that!

It’s all good.

Update: I seem to be big on updates lately, lol.  But it’s almost 10pm and I’m sitting here thinking … “wow, I’m not all stressed.  I feel like I have nothing to do. Like I have lots of time and not rushed.”  And the weird thing is, other nights of the week are exactly the same, I don’t have things I have to do, no responsibilities.  And I’m usually just sitting here on the couch watching TV or surfing the net.  So really, I’m not doing anything different tonight than I do any other night, it’s just that having the place all cleaned-out and tidy has really taken a huge burden off me.  I don’t think I really articulated that before.  So that’s why I thought it was important to do the update.  I feel relaxed. Light. Like I don’t have some impending doom hanging over my head.  I mean, if someone knocked on my door now I wouldn’t panic.  I’d just open the door. And if the landlady had to come in for some emergency reason, I’d just let her in.  What a huge sense of relief!  It’s important I write about these feelings.  It’s important for me to remember down the road when I’m avoiding stuff and hoarding stuff again.  I mean, let’s face it, that’s going to happen again.  It’s not like I’m cured or something, lol.  And I hope this is helpful and hopeful for those who read this and are going through similar struggles.  I mean – that’s really the beauty of blogging.  Writing here is helping me … and hopefully reading this is helping someone out there.