MyBlueFunk

Way back in 1999 when I got my first computer, and first logged on to the internet – I got addicted.  I was staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning in a chat room.  It was crazy.  All the people I met in there were like my best friends.  About 5 months later it all came crashing down.  I thought I was lucky because I got out within a relatively short period of time.  But it was an intense period of time for me and when it started to fizzle out I was really lost.  I was hurt. It was very emotional.  All those people meant a lot to me.  They were real.  I even thought I was in love at one point.  Some of the people in the chat room met in real life, I never did which was probably a good thing because most of the stories I heard turned out less than expected.  Peoples hopes were dashed and it ruined their online life.  And in some cases even ruined their real lives.

Anyway, I unplugged just before Christmas 1999 and didn’t turn my computer on until 2005.  But I’d only go on for email or to do searches once in a while.  I tried online dating for a few months – but that didn’t work so I basically logged-of again.

Then in 2007 I started a blog.  A fun blog, not this one – lol.  It was quite popular but it got a bit overwhelming for a lot of different reasons, and ultimately I ended up feeling empty. Maybe I was still just looking for attention or something, or friendships – not sure.  But it didn’t feel real anymore so I started this one which I don’t advertise anywhere and I don’t promote.  It really is for me.  I guess I could write all this in a book somewhere or on my computer and not post it … but I do post it and I do appreciate the feedback I get.  But that’s not the main point of this blog.  And I’m not addicted to this blog like I was with the other one, or like I was with the chat rooms.

But now I have facebook and it’s becoming a problem.

I first opened up a FB page under a fake name to get the hang of it.  Then I opened one under my real name and have a few friends and family as “friends”, most of whom don’t live any where near me so it is a nice way to keep in touch.  I do have a couple of friends I used to work with who live near by on there but to be honest, I’d prefer not to keep in touch with them.  We keep saying we’re going for coffee but never do.

Since all the people on my real page don’t play the games or whatever, I created another fake page where I could play the games without any one knowing.

Why?

Well, I got addicted to all the games and didn’t want to have that on my real page where people could see.  So like all good addicts I hid my addiction.  I have 4 fake FB pages now.  It’s getting a bit out of control to be honest.  It’s kinda funny, but not really.

At first I told myself I was doing it to relax at the end of the night, and that’s true – that’s what I was doing.  Then I found myself going to it during work and not getting stuff done.  Next thing I was staying up until 4am playing games.  I’m not interacting with anyone on there – just have lots of friends who are obviously also addicted to the games.

I don’t know what to do. I enjoy it and wish I could go back to using it like I did in the beginning. But now on a Monday night I realize that I wasted all weekend glued to the computer.

The last couple of weekends I went out, spent time with family and was busy. It felt nice.  I didn’t want to go out at first because my apartment is a mess (of course) but I decided that I should stop punishing myself and go out and have fun.  Which was a good decision.  But then weeks went by and my apartment didn’t improve and now here I am in the middle of September stuck again.  So rather than go out and have fun this weekend I stayed in behind closed curtains playing on FB.  I didn’t even buy groceries. Just junk food. Now I’m broke because that stuff can be expensive.  And I did that right after my last post where I said I spent money wisely, lol.  I was doing really well with my grocery budget actually, but I’ve blown it now.

I don’t know what to do. I’m a bit unmotivated again. I know there will be a smoke detector inspection in the apartment sometime this month – that’s why I wanted to take last month to get things in order. I got started but never moved past the first few steps.

All of this wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t hate the way my life is right now.  I want to have a bed, and a bedroom. I want to have a fridge with some food in it.  I want to have a normal apartment!

I want, I want. But I never DO anything to get what I want.

Maybe if I post this and re-read it later it will motivate me – that’s worked for me in the past, so here’s hoping.

I really need to do something.  It’s at a critical point now.