MyBlueFunk

Wow – what a night. Here it is almost 5pm and I haven’t been to sleep yet.  As mentioned in my 2 previous posts … I stayed up all night and wow – what progress I made.

Thank you Melinda for your comment – I read it around 2am and it really helped to boost my self-esteem and inspire me to keep going. I really appreciated that.

I’m really so proud of myself. I did everything as I planned and I was showered and ready around 8:30 am.  As it turned out – no one even came into my apartment! Kinda funny but not really.  I’m pretty exhausted and ultimately glad no one came in – but I’m grateful for the scare. I know me and I know I would not have made this much progress on my own.  I needed that push.

When I first saw the note letting me know people would be coming in – I was terrified and a little grateful but really too terrified to feel grateful. What I mean is, there was a part of me way down deep (maybe the real me) who was happy I was getting this push – because without it I know I’d continue to doddle along – not making a lot of progress.

But now …. wow, progress plus, plus!

I’m so happy with how my place looks right now.  And when it was all done and I was sitting on the couch watching tv I saw a commercial for some new show about hoarders – sigh. It made me cry a little to be honest.  Not sure I’ll be watching it.

Anyway – for the first time since I moved in 3 years ago I now have an actual livingroom and dining room area. It feels so GREAT!  And it’s clean.  There are a few things that need to be organized, like my books, etc., but other than that … it’s so nice and tidy.

My furniture is old and I have blankets over them – so it’s not really the living space I want but it’s mine and it’s clean.  As I looked around I kind of felt like I was in someone else’s home. I think that’s because when I divorced I got rid of all my stuff – well most of it.  I got rid of all the “things” that were “me” and now here I am in this mish-mash of stuff that’s not really mine. It’s odd. But I have a huge sense that I want to make this place mine and I think that’s a good thing.

My kitchen and bathroom are clean – more clean than I’ve seen them in years.  It was a joy having a shower this morning and getting out and drying my hair – wow, it really was a joy.

My hallway is still lined with boxes – but I feel empowered to dismantle them more so than I have since moving here.

My bedroom is a MESS!  The door is closed and I’m going to keep it that way for the rest of the day. Why open it and upset myself right now.  One thing is for sure – I’m motivated to clean it up.  And to be fair – it’s not that bad. It’s in better shape than it was a week ago so that’s progress.

The dumpsters are outside right now because it’s garbage day tomorrow – otherwise I’d take the few garbage bags I have left (in my bedroom) and throw them out.  In the end I put 3 or 4 in there because I didn’t feel I had time to take them downstairs before 9am today – and then the dumpsters were moved so I have to wait until tomorrow now.

It’s a weird feeling knowing that I only have a few bags of garbage in my apartment – lol. It’s weird! It’s a good weird though!

Anyway – it really is a new day.

And I think I’ve created an interesting side-effect … by staying up all night I think I may have re-set my internal clock, so I’m hoping for a more normal sleep tonight – we’ll see.  Also, my cats are so freaking happy it’s making me smile … even laugh out loud a few times!

I’m feeling extremely tired right now … but also grateful. Grateful that I let myself be the adult I know I am.  It’s a nice feeling.  Being a helpless child was comforting for many years but ultimately it was so destructive for me.

Right now – I’m satisfied. Relieved. Happy. Empowered.

Yay me