Today
Feeling a bit sad today. Just thought it was worth noting. Not sure why I’m feeling this way, or maybe I am. Maybe it’s the sense of feeling overwhelmed with all I have to do in front of me.
I was at a family thing earlier today – it was enjoyable. But now I’m home alone and feeling a little sad. Maybe it’s just being alone that has me down.
I dunno.
I think that right now it has a lot more to do with the state of my apartment. Perhaps I’ll feel better if I just tidy up one small area in my livingroom. Just thinking about doing it is making me sad. That’s kinda weird. But as I said, these feelings are worth noting. Usually I just ignore them and do nothing and then when Monday roles around I wonder how I managed to waste the entire weekend and end up feeling way worse.
Anyway – I think part of it is … this is kind of complicated and even nonsensical. But – part of it is … when I look around and decide to do one small thing it’s as if I’m acknowledging that I need to do something. It makes my entire messy chaos real. The nonsensical part of that is … if I do nothing the messy chaos is still there. But it’s only hard for me to deal with when I start cleaning up. If that makes any sense. When I don’t clean-up it’s easier for me to ignore it and I feel better. Or maybe I feel nothing. Maybe that’s it.
Let me see if I can think this out some more.
I guess I also find it hard when I think someone is going to come in to my apartment. That’s way worse than what I feel when I start to clean-up.
So – that’s important to notice too.
Okay. Enough thinking for now. Thinking is easier than feeling. Wow – that was deep, lol. But it’s true! Thinking IS easier than feeling! Feeling is scary.
All right … deep breath. Off I go. To do something good for me.
Yeah – that’s right, that’s how I have to think of it. I’m cleaning up as a gift to myself. It’s not a punishment. It’s not a statement on how awful I am.
The state of my apartment is not a statement on me. It just is. It just is a messy apartment. So now … I have to be nice to myself and give myself a little gift. And the gift I’m going to give myself is a tidy livingroom.
Sigh.
lol
Okay – I did mean all that it’s just … really hard!
I’m going. Off to be successful.
melind4 said,
July 12, 2009 at 2:50 am
Hi Bluefunk!
I think you’re just as moody as I am. I know how hard that is!
I know the state of the mess on my coffee table can often tell the state of mind I am in. Right now it’s really messy.
Sometimes when I read your posts I just want to come over and help you clean it all up, just in one big cleaning marathon. Just so you would have some relief. But if it’s anything like alcoholism, it;s not the real problem. Drinking is not my problem, it’s all the stuff that goes on in my head when I’m not drinking that is the real problem. Drinking stopped it all.
Not that I know anything at all, but maybe there’s something you get out of keeping it messy — you can worry about it instead of something else. That’s what my anxiety is a lot of the time — I freak out over everyday things to avoid dealing with the emotions (usually related to inadequacy in some way) that really hurt.
All of that might not apply to you at all, and I have no expertise in the matter, but it’s what came into my mind and I thought I’d share.
Melinda
mybluefunk said,
July 12, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Yes, I’ve noticed that we’re often on the same emotional cycle, sometimes we even post within minutes of one another, lol.
I appreciate that you want to come over and help me in a big clean-a-palooza … I appreciate you saying that
My therapist offered several times but I just couldn’t let her into my mania. Odd. I have let my sister help me in the past and it was successful, but I always reverted back eventually.
So … like you said, it is something in my head…where it’s really messy. Some day I’ll figure it all out and learn to live the way I want. I really do believe that.