MyBlueFunk

I always hear that living in the present is the best. Living in the past is dwelling and doesn’t get you anywhere. And why worry about the future when it hasn’t happened yet.

That’s what I always thought.

But I watched a brief presentation (can’t remember where as I’ve been watching a lot lately) where the presenter stated that it’s better to be future oriented … goal oriented. Because that way you’re working toward something and … in my interpretation of it, you can do the things you have to do in the present, maybe things you don’t want to do, because it will lead to something … hopefully something good.

One of the studies sited was the one where kids are put in front of a marshmallow (ever see this? I saw it years ago on a documentary). Anyway, they’re told not to eat the marshmallow but to wait and if they wait until the person comes back in the room they’ll get 2 marshmallows.  About two-thirds of the kids eat the marshmallow … immediate satisfaction.  Well I guess years later they went back and interviewed the kids and those that waited and didn’t eat the marshmallow … and then got 2, did better in school, on SATs etc.

Immediate gratification. That’s my life.  And this presentation I watched earlier today made me realize that I live too much of my time in the present.

Like this weekend.  I’ve been enjoying myself, just doing nothing – not showering, not going out, not cleaning-up, not organizing my life.  I just hung around doing stuff I like – eating, sleeping, reading, watching TV, surfing the net.  Maybe it sounds like heaven to busy people, but by Sunday night it leaves me anxious, angry and defeated.

I didn’t do anything that will make my life easier next week.  I’ll have to fumble through my week yet again.  Looking for stuff. Everything all mixed up.  But given 2 days to sort some stuff out I chose to sit and ignore it all and be in the moment of pleasure.  Not taking into consideration the future consequences.

Same with my eating.  Why deny the pleasure now?  I’ve never been able to make that connection that these pleasures I’m partaking in now will have serious and detremental effects on me in the future.

I realized this about 18 years ago. 18!  But basically forgot about it, or ignored it, until today when I saw this video presentation. The presentation itself wasn’t that good…which is one reason why I can’t find it again now. But that’s not what’s really important here.  What’s important is that I need to adjust the way I look at the things I do.  I need to make the connection that doing something now will have a positive (or negative) effect on me in the future.

Goals have never been my friend. I’ve never been goal oriented. My brain doesn’t even seem to think that way. It never occurs to me to make a plan.  To be honest, it’s hard to even figure out what steps to take.

Anyway.  Here it is about 8:30 on a Sunday night.  I spent most of yesterday recovering from my stressful week.  I have to say, I was tired, sore, in pain, my stomach was out of control and my head was aching.  I couldn’t focus and felt really foggy.  That was Saturday.

Today I was up around 9am but then fell back asleep until about 3pm.  Waste.  Now I’m sitting here anticipating the panic that will soon grip me because I’ll realize Monday is coming and I’ll have to go to work and I don’t want to. And I’ll start freaking out that I didn’t do anything in my apartment and be upset about the state of chaos and mess.  Then I’ll be so stressed I’ll be unable to sleep and ultimately be late for work.  I’ll wake up and be terrified to get out of bed. Yes … terrified.

That’s how I feel in the mornings. Terrified.  Terrified to greet the day. I envy those people who wake with the wonder of what the day will bring.  People who welcome the day. I’ve never been like that. I’ve never felt that way in the morning not even when I was a child.  Waking from my wonderful slumber was always sad and scary to me.  My dream world was where I wanted to stay. The real world was too mean and hard … and made me sad and scared.

Here I am47 and still reacting to the world in the same freaking way.

Why?

I don’t know.