MyBlueFunk

What a freaking week. I know I probably am my own worst enemy at times and I probably made my week a lot more stressful than it needed to be.

My car is fixed and running again, thank goodness.

I really did have a huge freak-out with my family. All is calm now though. I’ve made my apologies as have they – and we’ve all talked about it and our behaviours. We’re pretty good that way once the dust settles.

The thing is, I’ve only been that openly upset with my family about 3 or 4 times in the past so when it happens it takes everyone by surprise, including me. Clearly we all need a better way of communicating and sharing our feelings.

I guess I was feeling especially vulnerable when help was offered and I perceived that as them thinking I was incapable of making good decisions and handling my own life.

I know that has a lot to do with the fact that in the past I have made a lot of bad decisions, especially when it comes to money, and I’ve suffered for it. So my reaction to them was really a reaction to myself.  I mean, they were just trying to be helpful but I interpreted a whole bunch of other stuff to be in there – like they were jumping in to save me from myself.  I don’t think that’s how they saw it but that’s how I interpreted it.

Clearly I have lots to work on.  At the same time, my family is now more understanding of my feelings and that’s a good thing. They weren’t aware before of how sensitive this issue was with me.

Anyway, I can take a bit of a breather now. Even my landlady was really kind. She saw them towing my car and knew I was obviously having trouble. She’s fine with me paying the rest of my rent mid-month and to be honest, she was very nice about it all.  Funny how I accepted her compassion as compassion and my family’s as something else.

People being nice to be is hard for me. I know that’s messed-up. But it’s true. Melinda made a good comment on my previous post about how it’s hard for her to ask for help as well and I totally get that. I’m always expecting ulterior motives – because that’s how it’s always been.

Plus I was always made to feel like asking for help was a sign of failure. And failure was the ultimate sin.  Not being perfect – well ya might as well die.

Good grief.

Anyway, this episode really exhumed a lot of stuff about my personality. Stuff I really never, ever look at. So I guess that’s like a gift from the universe?  That’s how I’m suppose to look at it I think.

Humility, pride, stubbornness.  Those are all words that come to mind at the moment.  All things that can be good or bad.  I know I’m a very stubborn person but that has also served me well as it’s often kept me going in the past, but it can obviously have a negative effect as well.

I gotta say … my eyes are so swollen today. I look exhausted and have a mega headache. A lot of self-inflicted pain for sure … rather than continue with the negativity I’m going to try and learn something from all of this.

But for now … there’s a Star Wars weekend marathon happening on one of the networks so I’m going to watch it.  I’m a total geek that way, lol.  But I do love those movies and find them relaxing.

TGIF!