MyBlueFunk

I still can’t turn my thoughts off today.  One thing is for sure is that clearly the real problem here is me.  If I had a life, friends, etc., then I wouldn’t be feeling this way – or if I did feel this way I’d have other things going on in my life to distract me and I’d have people in my life to give me support. But the way it is now all I have is work and I pretty much hate that.

I signed up for facebook under my real name and it’s so sad because really, I don’t have any friends.  I used to have a fb account under my fake name from a previous blog I used to have and I had 100s of friends, but I didn’t know any of them – just knew them through my blog, which was a fun blog and I did meet a lot of great people online but how real is that. It was real in the sense that they were great people and we did have fun at times, but after a while it left me feeling hollow.

In many ways having friends online suits my personality because I’m very internal and don’t really like social gatherings – so I, like many, do find online social networking to be enjoyable and at times fulfilling.

But having my real name on facebook and only a few relatives as friends it really hit me that I don’t make friends. I don’t have friends. Not that I didn’t know that but it’s just really hitting home with me.

I always thought I could manage just fine on my own because that’s how I’ve gone through my life.  I moved a lot  as kid so was never in one place for long and making and keeping friends was just something I never learned to do. Now moving closer to 50 I can see that my life is pretty empty.

The thing is if I want to change any of this then I need to look at myself in an honest way. I’m not just rambling here online for no reason – I’m actually doing it to try and change me. To propel me to make changes.  Sometimes it’s worked but obviously not enough and I’ve taken steps backwards over the past month.

I had wanted this holiday to be my free day. I figured that last weekend I’d have everything done in my apartment and today’s holiday would be my day to relax and enjoy.  But that’s not happened. Just like any other goal I’ve set in my life I had no real plan and had no direction and ultimately nothing happened.

I thought by putting my real name on facebook and classmates that maybe former friends/co-workers/classmates would contact me but that hasn’t happened.  I contacted a few but not much came of it and one even denied ever knowing me.  Mostly the ones that did make a connection are avoiding me.  Makes me wonder exactly what kind of person I am according to these people. Obviously not a very good one.

I know there’s people out there who like me, I have a few friends but none are on any online social networks.  They are like me in many ways, for one thing, they don’t like a lot of social interaction so basically we don’t get together a lot.  I thought they’d enjoy fb but 2 people I’m thinking of never got the hang of it and closed their accounts.

Whatever.

I get the feeling people just feel sorry for me. People will say what a nice person I am but when I think about it none of those people have ever tried to get to know me.  Not sure why that is. I wonder what kind of vibe I’m giving out.  Who knows. But based on people’s reactions to me the vibe I’m giving isn’t a positive one. Which I guess, given how I feel about myself and my life, pretty much makes sense.