MyBlueFunk

You know – the more I think about it the more I realize that I could sense the boss’ vile mood coming which is part of why I avoided work yesterday.  I was having some serious stomach issues but I probably could have gone in but I was getting a hugely negative and disturbing vibe from her the day before.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot tonight and it’s a bit like an abusive partner, she’s manipulative and if things don’t go her way she blows and then pouts and then the silent treatment … then she goes over the top in her praise.  She never apologizes or acknowledges her behaviour.

She came in out of the blue before I left for work today – she had long gone home, but she came back and offered me a ride home, which I didn’t need and I never asked her for one either. She kept insisting like it would be a huge favour to her if I accepted. How very odd. Especially considering that prior to that she couldn’t even look at me and mostly just did a lot of sighing when I offered help.  It upset me so much I actually had to go to the washroom because I was crying.  That’s ridiculous – I wasn’t over reacting – she really was that bad.  I don’t want to type everything that she said or did because it’s just too upsetting – but the vile looks she gave and the rudeness – it was over the top and had me nervous.

Her behaviour of coming back to the office and over insisting that I take her up on her offer also left me wondering if there had been something in my behaviour that made her do that.  Had I acting wounded or something? But I don’t think so. I think my behaviour today was professional and cheerful.

I remember when I first started working there I thought about how odd she was and was quickly looking for another job – like everyone else who had worked with her had done.  In the end they all left but I’m still there. Why? Mostly because I need the money and secondly because I don’t think I’m worth anything else. But when she’s not in this type of mood the job suits me very well.  But I think I’m going to start taking note of these types of days more and more now.  It obviously effects me more than I realized.

She’s all about psychoanalysing people.  I think she plays me to be honest.  She’s very manipulative. She’s reacted this way to me in the past as well, sometimes I can figure out why other times I can’t.  Whatever … it basically feels like she’s punishing me. I’ve learned to predict her moods, much like someone in an abusive relationship does.  I’m not saying it’s the same, but she’s got some weird emotional abuse stuff going on with her husband as far as I can tell.  He does a lot of pacifying from what I’ve seen.  She can be pretty cruel at times.

And I’m only now remembering what the person who left a few years ago said about her. In my previous post I had said this person thought she had a split personality – well that’s true she did say that but she also said that when she got in these moods she reminded her of her abusive mom.  This woman who quit had a terrible relationship with her mother – and I remember now that she compared the boss’ behaviour to that of her abusive mother.  How very odd.  But you know – she’s right.  And like I said in another previous post, the boss’ mother was very abusive and also had schizophrenia and she’s cut off all ties with her and hasn’t seen her in well over 20 years.

I remember another day about 2 years ago when I was having car problems, it was in the shop and she offered me a ride, I thanked her but had made other arrangements.  Then when the car had to stay an extra day awaiting parts I did need a ride.  It was snowing heavily and I waited for her to offer, but she never did.  She was in that same weird mood again. Finally I asked her if she’d mind, because she had said the day before to ask her anytime she didn’t mind … anyway, when I did ask she curtly said that there was a bus stop right outside the building and she packed-up and left!

I was shocked at her bluntness only because at all other times she’s over the top with the love and the helpfulness, yada, yada.  And it left me wondering for days what I had done to deserve that. I think she’s trampled my confidence over the years.  One of my siblings had said that to me at one time, after she met her.  I’m thinking there’s some truth in there somewhere.  Sometimes I feel like she’s treating me like I’m incapable of tieing up my shoes.  And I think over the years I’m starting to believe that I am incompetent.

Anyway, back on that snowy day I ended up stuck at the office until after 10pm waiting for a relative to give me a ride because I didn’t even have bus fare.  Nor did I have lunch or anything – not that that’s her problem but in the past when she’s been without a vehicle I’ve offered and gone out, on numerous occasions, and got her something. And given her rides. I’ve never said no. And that’s not just because she’s my boss – I’d never say no to anyone stuck in that situation, why would I? It’s no skin off my nose to drive 2 blocks out of my way – big deal.  It’s also no problem if I’m going out for lunch or coffee to offer to bring something back to someone in the office – today she didn’t even do that and she went out and got something for herself.  How very rude of her.  It’s just the 2 of us in that area of the office and I cannot comprehend going out for lunch and not asking the only other person there if they’d like something especially knowing that that person is stranded without a vehicle and we don’t have anything on site.

Every single day I go out at some point for coffee and always ask her if she wants one and 90 % of the time she does.  How hard is it to do that? She was treating me like I had done something horrible.  Very childish.

Then she asked me to do something by the end of the week and then by mid-day she got all agitated and said to forget about it and send the info back to her she was going to do it herself.  That pissed me off. I’m more than capable of doing what she asked – and if she doesn’t need it until next week why add something to her busy schedule that I can easily do. I had it 90% done anyway.  I was getting all nervous trying to send her the info because I felt like she was going to hit me – seriously.  I really felt like she was going to.  I could feel her getting angry and trying not to yell like she has in the past.  She was standing over me and I really felt like I had to duck to not get hit. I didn’t move but it was a weird sensation. I’ve never been hit by anyone but I have to say – I really felt like she was going to throttle me and it’s not the first time. And it’s not like I’m horrible at my job – in my previous job where I worked for over 15 years I always had glowing reviews.

I know I’m probably thinking about this all too much but why do I end up in jobs like this with people like her? I think there’s something to that. After school I got a job and stayed there 15 years and as I said, always positive feedback.  Then I moved and since my divorce my jobs have been sketchy.  I know it’s partly due to my depression but sometimes I think I’ve stayed too long in bad jobs thinking that I deserved it or thinking that it was my fault I was being treated badly.  I’m honest about my capabilities but I also think that in this situation and in a couple of  previous jobs the problem was the boss, not necessarily me.  It’s weird but in the 3 jobs I’ve had where I’ve felt like this I always went into a job where many others had left. I mean, in each of those jobs I was told upfront that the person was hard to work for and that many others had gone before me.  Why even go into those types of situations? Well mostly ’cause I needed the money. But talk about bad choices on my part.

I really wish she’d leave and someone with the actual qualifications for the job would get it. If that happened I’d actually have something to do. She ends up doing my job – not because I can’t do it but because she was promoted and never really stopped doing my job.  She can’t really do executive work which is why when today her bosses are needing something executive to be done she can’t handle it.

Anyway – all of this says way more about me than her. Why do I think it’s okay for someone to treat me this way? I think it’s okay because I really don’t think I’m worthy of anything more. On one level I do, but when push comes to shove – I really don’t.

I really think I should be grateful for this stupid menial job because I really think I’m not capable of more – which is not true. I have over 20 years of experience and a degree plus lots of other courses.

Whenever I apply for a job I always go for ones that I’m over qualified for. I’m basically in the same type of job I was in before I got my degree.  I don’t give myself enough credit and I know it.

I deserve better.  I do – but I really don’t feel like I do.