A New Day
Wow – what a night. Here it is almost 5pm and I haven’t been to sleep yet. As mentioned in my 2 previous posts … I stayed up all night and wow – what progress I made.
Thank you Melinda for your comment – I read it around 2am and it really helped to boost my self-esteem and inspire me to keep going. I really appreciated that.
I’m really so proud of myself. I did everything as I planned and I was showered and ready around 8:30 am. As it turned out – no one even came into my apartment! Kinda funny but not really. I’m pretty exhausted and ultimately glad no one came in – but I’m grateful for the scare. I know me and I know I would not have made this much progress on my own. I needed that push.
When I first saw the note letting me know people would be coming in – I was terrified and a little grateful but really too terrified to feel grateful. What I mean is, there was a part of me way down deep (maybe the real me) who was happy I was getting this push – because without it I know I’d continue to doddle along – not making a lot of progress.
But now …. wow, progress plus, plus!
I’m so happy with how my place looks right now. And when it was all done and I was sitting on the couch watching tv I saw a commercial for some new show about hoarders – sigh. It made me cry a little to be honest. Not sure I’ll be watching it.
Anyway – for the first time since I moved in 3 years ago I now have an actual livingroom and dining room area. It feels so GREAT! And it’s clean. There are a few things that need to be organized, like my books, etc., but other than that … it’s so nice and tidy.
My furniture is old and I have blankets over them – so it’s not really the living space I want but it’s mine and it’s clean. As I looked around I kind of felt like I was in someone else’s home. I think that’s because when I divorced I got rid of all my stuff – well most of it. I got rid of all the “things” that were “me” and now here I am in this mish-mash of stuff that’s not really mine. It’s odd. But I have a huge sense that I want to make this place mine and I think that’s a good thing.
My kitchen and bathroom are clean – more clean than I’ve seen them in years. It was a joy having a shower this morning and getting out and drying my hair – wow, it really was a joy.
My hallway is still lined with boxes – but I feel empowered to dismantle them more so than I have since moving here.
My bedroom is a MESS! The door is closed and I’m going to keep it that way for the rest of the day. Why open it and upset myself right now. One thing is for sure – I’m motivated to clean it up. And to be fair – it’s not that bad. It’s in better shape than it was a week ago so that’s progress.
The dumpsters are outside right now because it’s garbage day tomorrow – otherwise I’d take the few garbage bags I have left (in my bedroom) and throw them out. In the end I put 3 or 4 in there because I didn’t feel I had time to take them downstairs before 9am today – and then the dumpsters were moved so I have to wait until tomorrow now.
It’s a weird feeling knowing that I only have a few bags of garbage in my apartment – lol. It’s weird! It’s a good weird though!
Anyway – it really is a new day.
And I think I’ve created an interesting side-effect … by staying up all night I think I may have re-set my internal clock, so I’m hoping for a more normal sleep tonight – we’ll see. Also, my cats are so freaking happy it’s making me smile … even laugh out loud a few times!
I’m feeling extremely tired right now … but also grateful. Grateful that I let myself be the adult I know I am. It’s a nice feeling. Being a helpless child was comforting for many years but ultimately it was so destructive for me.
Right now – I’m satisfied. Relieved. Happy. Empowered.
Yay me 
Panic Update
Just a short update from my last post … I’m doing this to centre myself and help me focus.
First – my apartment is starting to look like a home.
Second – I’ve got a long, long way to go.
Finally – So far I’m on time.
I’m having moments of panic, feeling anxious from time to time. I think I’m dealing with it well so far.
I get overwhelmed when I look at what’s left to do … so I’m breaking it all down in pieces and constantly reminding myself that I have time.
My stomach is churning. But I’m doing it. Slow but sure.
They Need Access to My Apartment Tomorrow
I just found this out at noon today on my way to work. I had to feign illness to come home early, although I am feel pretty ill. Can’t keep anything in my stomach and now that I’m home I can finally cry about it.
I feel like I’m about to be violated – and I know that sounds over the top but the reality for me is that’s how I feel.
I’m also feeling angry that I didn’t do anything over the weekend – just laid here like a dead whale doing nothing.
I’m also feeling defeated, like it’s too much for me to do and now I’m going to be exposed.
Sigh. Deep breath.
Then somewhere in the middle of that I’m thinking this is a good thing because it will force me to do something. Then I get mad because I don’t like being forced to do something … whatever.
Also somewhere down deep I’m feeling like I am capable, like I can do it.
On my way home in the car I just kept talking out loud to myself. Telling myself that I can do this. I told myself to stop at the store and get some cleaning supplies. To go home and map out what I was going to do. To allow myself until 10pm to vacuum and move stuff because after that we can’t be making lots of noise in the building.
So basically that’s about 5 hours or so to vacuum, move any furniture, etc. That’s enough time. Then my plan is to go out around 10 or so and buy anything else I need. To also start at that time to take out any garbage bags.
I don’t plan to sleep tonight but that’s okay because I don’t have to go to work tomorrow.
They won’t need access to my bedroom so I can put stuff in there. At least I don’t think they’ll need access to it. From what I understand they just need in the kitchen and the bathroom. But the hallway, livingroom & dining room are in between those 2 rooms … so I have to make all of those areas accessible and clean. Well, tidy. I need to “clean” the bathroom and kitchen. Which is seeming like an overwhelming task to be honest.
My train of thought is all over the place but I need to focus. I can do this.
I’m going to do what I told myself to do on the way home in the car. I’m now going to turn on the TV, get the air conditioner running … vacuum and tidy the livingroom & dining room area.
Then I’ll work on the kitchen.
Next the bathroom.
After that – I can organize the hallway (where all the boxes are) and then also put whatever needs to be into the bedroom.
I can do this.
I’m terrified and in the middle of a low-grade panic attack, but I know I can do this.
Oh my god … seriously. I’m so terrified. I hate this damn obsession. I really hate it.
I may use this blog to work through this thing tonight. I know I’ve done that in the past and it’s worked out really well. I need to focus my thoughts and stop crying right now.
Deep breath.
I have to think of who that woman is who goes out into the community. She’s very capable. Lot’s of people see me as capable. I know I am. I just have to transfer those skills I use out there to my home in here … and then I’ll be successful.
Wow – I just let out a big sigh.
I think I’m gonna be okay.
But I’m not kidding myself here – I know it’s going to be a night of panic and tears.
Feeling Paralyzed
I’m feeling kinda paralyzed this weekend. I know it’s Monday but I never work on Monday’s so this is the last day of my weekend.
I did nothing for 3 days.
I feel like I’ve been psychologically turned-off.
In retrospect I think I may do that, without realizing it, whenever I make a breakthrough. I did feel like I was making sense of stuff in my last few posts and then it’s followed up by me zoning out. Weird. Maybe it’s some kind of self-recovery or something. Maybe I’m just lazy. I don’t know. I did have my period this week and over the weekend it was really bad, so in a way I do feel like I’m recovering.
My results from my blood work and other tests came back, nothing serious. I am anemic … which is in part why I’m tired. I need to get some iron pills. My period doesn’t help with that problem either. So maybe I should just give myself a break over having done nothing this weekend. I am feeling like I’m getting over the flu even though I wasn’t sick. Oh well.
I have to add that I also felt very lonely this weekend. Lonely and restless. Well, restless maybe isn’t the right word because I didn’t move much … but kind of anxious about being alone and not having anyone to interact with. That made me spend a lot of time online interacting, and trying to interact, with people on various social networks. In one way I feel that’s kind of pathetic and in another I think it’s healthy to reach out. I dunno. In the end a lot of those friendships are just hollow. They do fill a void for a few minutes though, which is nice. But ultimately, do they really know or care about the real me? Nope. And that just leaves me feeling sad.
So that was my weekend. I’m now not looking forward to work starting tomorrow. It just seems like a never ending cycle that I don’t want to be in and I don’t know how I even got here.
Healing Dream
I’ve written here before about dreams I’ve had – ones where I’m still living at home with my parents but I’m an adult but I’m not allowed to move out. Sounds kind of boring but the fact is they are nightmares that leave me anxious for days afterwards.
Anyway, the night before last I had a similar dream but with a new twist. This time my parents were yelling at me to move out. It was very strange because I’ve been having this dream for 15 years or something, and this is the first time that happened!
It was kind of interesting. It was liberating and scary all at the same time. When I was being yelled at in the dream I was feeling kind of overwhelmed, like how can I manage on my own, but at the same time it was a “phew” kind of moment, like finally that’s over and now I’m free!
I also remember I didn’t like being yelled at in the dream. But I don’t like that in real life and my parents did lots of yelling … which is why when in happens in real life I kinda shut down. But that’s sort of a side note to the dream, but interesting none the less.
When I woke up I felt tired but emotionally relaxed. I looked around and felt like the chaos was mine, like I owned it. I wasn’t feeling anxious at all.
Through that dream I feel like I emotionally broke away from something, if that makes any sense. The last few weeks I’ve been thinking about why I don’t act like an adult in certain parts of my life, and the way I maintain my home is a big part of that. Because really, I don’t maintain it. I just kind of sit around like a sulky kid waiting for mom to clean up and dad to do the handywork.
And I guess when I was married I was kind of the same. I expected my husband to do a lot around the house to keep it up – which he did. I did my share too, but only because I felt like if I didn’t he’d chastise me – which he wouldn’t have done because he wasn’t like that. He’d certainly ask what the heck was going on and why wasn’t I doing anything – but it would have been more like one roommate to another – not like he was my parent or in charge of my behaviour. More like why is he doing more than me … ha.
Anyway – once I got out on my own I guess I just stopped doing everything. I know my hoarding is way more complex then that. But I think I attached a lot of things onto my husband because he really wasn’t parental with me – I think I just sometimes thought of him that way because that’s how my mind worked. So because of that I did certain things around the house thinking I’d get in trouble otherwise … eventho nothing like that would have happened. And when I got out on my own, I just stopped doing stuff. Kind of like a rebellious thing. Since no one was around to tell me what to do I’d do nothing.
So … I think that dream has finally released me from that internal emotional nightmare. I’ve untangled that and am now free from some internal parent I created for myself … to keep myself in line, or more to the point, to keep me a child.
Is This Some Sort of Re-Birth?
What a wild ride of emotions tonight. But it’s important that I document them because as I’ve said before – ignoring them has been detrimental for me.
I was pondering earlier today how I had been out every day this weekend, interacting with people. Now normally I can find that a bit taxing, but what I was noticing was that it was helping me to remember the “me” that used to be. The “me” who, while I did enjoy my alone time, wasn’t completely cut-off from the world.
The “me” of the past few years, especially last year, was pretty much completely cut-off. And in that isolation I became much worse. I entered a very dark emotional place. A dark physical one as well because my apartment became pretty toxic.
I realized just how toxic tonight when I ventured into my bedroom. I can’t even type about it – but I felt nauseous. I cleaned it up though. Then I fled the apartment for a coffee and more importantly, some fresh air.
When I came black I took what I had bagged-up to the dumpster. Then came back and took a few more, not all…but a few. And now I’m sitting here reflecting.
When I fled the apartment I thought I was going to cry because up to that point I hadn’t. To be honest, I just felt ill. It was about 5 kilometres from my place when the tears started. I went and sat by the lake for a while. Thought about everything. How the hell I got here and why have I been congratulating myself so much when there’s so much more to do. And on and on.
The reality is I don’t know the answers to those questions or to any other ones for that matter.
What I think is … that being out and about with people has made me feel a bit more like “me” and that person is re-emerging and slowly taking control of my life again. Not that I have a dual personality, I just mean that for whatever reason I’ve smothered the real me with food and stuff and I think she’s kinda ticked. I think she’s sick of being buried. And I think for a while she was happy to just sleep through life but now she wants to wake up and live. It’s kind of like a re-birthing or something.
The wierd thing about my cleaning up tonight was there was very littie anxiety, there was more anger. Just anger at how I’ve let things get this far.
