Shit On Me Day
Seriously, it’s like the universe just took a huge dump on me today. Sounds funny but it’s not really, especially since I’m sitting here crying.
I’m so fucking pissed off.
First, my boss is an absolute fucking psycho. I know I’ve said positive things about her before but it’s like some weird Stockholm syndrome or something.
When I first started working for her I had serous concerns about her mental health – as did others who worked with her. I was even warned about it in a round about way by her boss. Also, no one else seemed to be able to work with her. But I did. Why? Because I’m easy to get along with, good at my job, desperate for a job? All of those, and add in I don’t think I’m worthy of anything else.
She comes from a very abusive background, one of her parents also had schizophrenia and I’m seriously thinking this woman also has mental health issues.
She was just downright rude to me today – and it’s not like I have thin skin or anything, I can take it. But today she was vile. Rude I can take, vile is a bit much.
Someone who used to work with us – who quit because of the boss’ psycho behaviour, actually said she thought she had a split personality. She took her concerns to the higher-ups. Not sure what ever came of that but I do know they were keeping an eye on the situation. The thing is, I do think there’s some truth to the split personality thing. It’s like she has 2 distinct personalities and the one that was out today is actually scary. It really does make me feel afraid. I just shut down – it’s that bad.
Add to all that – my car died again and I had to pay for a taxi to get to work, which I can’t afford. Then when a relative gave me a ride home he acted like it was a huge inconvenience, which it wasn’t. Like I have to get a ride from people all the time, sure my car has broken down in the past but not all the time. I think it happened twice this year. And how many times have I given them a ride when they needed one? Are we suppose to start counting now? And when I do give someone a lift I never, ever, make them feel guilty about it because I know how it feels to have to fucking ask for help. It’s not fucking easy.
I’d love to be able to not have to worry about money, cars, bosses, etc. And I know lots of people have these problems, but christ. For the most part I go through my fucking life trying to make others feel better and what’s it get me. I don’t go out of my way to make me feel better and neither does any one else.
Fuck ‘em.
Headache & Cranky
That’s me … I have a headache and I’m cranky. I ditched work today because of how I’m feeling – which is bad.
It’s weird, but a few weeks ago I started a post about how I felt my depression had finally lifted and how I was looking forward to the summer. It was late when I was typing it so instead of publishing it right away, which is what I usually do, I saved it. When I logged back on about 3 days later I re-read the post and thought how odd it was because I was actually starting to feel my depression coming back. How very odd.
I’ve never really journalled like this before and I’m wondering if I’ve done this in the past – been on a real high and then dropped. I’ve been asked by doctors in the past if I do that but to be honest I was never really sure if I did or not, but perhaps I do.
I dunno.
I do know I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall emotionally. I’m even physically achy. Mostly I’m just cranky and very unmotivated.
I did finally go back to weight watchers last week and gained back 18 lbs in like 3 months. Insanity. And now I don’t want to go back again. I’m suppose to go tomorrow and I probably won’t because my eating has been out of control over the past week, more than usual.
Plus I’m running out of my diabetes meds and need to go get blood work etc., done before I can get refills. I’ve been putting that off for a while now. Also, I need to get my med card renewed before I get the blood work. So it all seems insurmountable … I have to get the card, go for the blood work, wait for results and then get a doc appointment. For some all in a days work – for me a huge mega bunch of stuff that ends up paralyzing me.
Writing about it here does help. It’s helping me to focus a bit.
Will I? Will I?
lol ….
It’s comical. I’m sitting here thinking about the upcoming weekend, and will I actually do what I want to do. I had planned to have everything done in my apartment by the end of June. That was the little deadline I gave myself. Just the other day I was saying that to myself and then realized it practically is the end of June! How the hell did that happen? ha!
Anyway – rather than get all upset and freaked out by it I’m choosing to see the humour in it and just stick with the plan. My time-line may have to be adjusted though. Perhaps the end of July … or the middle. I can’t keep extending it or nothing will get done.
Feeling Better … Again
Yep, moods go up and go down. That’s me.
I didn’t do much of anything today but I did clean out my car – 3 garbage bags of papers and stuff. Anyway – it’s at the garage now. Hopefully it won’t cost too much to get it running well again.
Didn’t do much around my apartment but I did have a shower and that sure does give me a better perspective on everything. Don’t know why I don’t do that everyday – I used to. But now, especially when I stay home, it’s not that easy to get myself motivated.
Anyway, back to work tomorrow. Even tho I don’t want to go, I do find the routine is better for me than just having day after day of having to do whatever I want. Ultimately “whatever I want” equals doing nothing.
3 Days Gone
I feel like I wasted the past 3 days. As usual. I blame it on my period, it really snuck up on me this month. Sounds stupid considering I’m almost 50, but still, I really wasn’t expecting it.
Anyway, I haven’t felt energetic and I ran out of supplies and when I went out today my car died. It all left me feeling overwhelmed. Maybe others can handle all that stuff happening at once but I can’t. I find it overwhelming and frustrating and rather than turn it all around into something good, or at least into something workable, I just end up feeling defeated.
I do have tomorrow off. But my mind is overwhelmed regarding my car. I just don’t know what to do. I looked up loans for people in my financial position and it wasn’t as bad as I thought. Given I’m just coming out of bankruptcy I really didn’t think a loan was even a remote possibility.
The thing is, I know I’d feel better if I did something but my energy level today was pretty much non-existent, eventho I got ready and went out. Because of my car dieing, I ended up having to walk to the store, which was no easy feat. I came home feeling very drained and just basically sad. Plus I had to go to a small store downtown which was way more expensive than if I had gone to the grocery store. Spending more money with my car in need of a tow and repair – not good.
Right now I’m just feeling defeated, once again. Angry, of course. But mostly defeated. Defeated by all the ridiculous stuff that rolls through my head. I did try and do some stuff but was too fatigued. I hate having a period and I wish it would just go away. It’s always been a huge problem for me, I’ve been on medication for it before but not lately as it’s so expensive. Being on it makes my life so much easier and makes my period normal, like most women experience it. The pain and the heaviness of mine are quite abnormal, according to doctors. That was actually nice to find out a few years ago because before that I had just thought I was weird – since no one else seemed to experience what I did.
But – that’s that. My weekend basically disappeared and I barely remember it. And now I’m anxious about how I’m going to get to work on Tuesday. I also have a bunch of decisions to make about my car tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to that. And then there’s just the usual crap to look forward to.
Getting a Little More Done
Yes, I am getting a little more done but not enough. I did a lot of errands on my day off yesterday and I did manage to hang a curtain rod today for my door. So now finally after living here 4 years I can take the plastic sheet I had flung over it, which looked awful. Anyway, now it looks really nice and matches perfectly with the livingroom curtains.
There was a little panic this evening. The fire alarm went off and at first I thought it was my apartment, but I didn’t have any candles going nor was I cooking. Anyway, turns out someone pulled the fire alarm, which is weird because most people on my floor are old. I think it was the couple across the hall. They’re always complaining about stuff and when I looked out my peep hole I saw them hovering around the fire alarm.
Everything got sorted, altho I think I have managed to unhook my smoke detector. Not sure. I tried to press the reset button and just managed to knock it off. By the time I got it back together there’s no light on so I’m thinking it’s not hooked up right and I’m not able to ask anyone in to check it, not like I would anyway.
But it all got my heart racing that’s for sure. The thought of people having to come in here always frightens me and makes me realize that I gotta bring it up a notch. I really do. I can’t keep doing one thing a weekend, I need to get more done tomorrow. At least so that if there was an emergency I wouldn’t be mortified if people came in.
To be fair – it would only take a really good effort in one day to get it to that point. If I did that it would still need work and I’d still have a lot of boxes in my hallway – but at least it would be clean.
So, that’s my plan for Sunday. As always I’m writing here in hopes this will encourage me to actually do it. Lately that’s been working for me. So here’s hoping.
As I read over this post I realized something important – that the reason it would only take 1 day to make my place okay enough for people to come in is because of all the work I’ve done so far. I really shouldn’t minimize that. I have done a lot it’s just not happening fast enough for me and this little incident tonight reminded me of that.
