A Gemini Tiger
Okay – so I’m on a roll with this stuff. First the personality test in my previous post, and now this. But I’ve always been fascinated with this kind of stuff.
Maybe I’m just self-centred or overly fascinated by myself – or eternally confused by myself. I dunno. I’m sure there’s a personality test out there that will tell me.
I’m a Gemini – here are some of the good and bad traits:
Good side …
Adaptable and versatile
Communicative and witty
Intellectual and eloquent
Youthful and lively
On the dark side…
Nervous and tense
Superficial and inconsistent
Cunning and inquisitive
Well, I can see me in there. Perhaps “youthful” is code for immature, ha. Lively, not so sure about that. When I wasn’t suffering from depression maybe, but I’m not so lively now.
Not sure about ‘’superficial’ I’ve always thought of myself as more ‘down to earth’ and I’m not impressed by brand names. Also, I think I’m too introspective to be superficial, I much prefer talking to people of depth rather than someone who is superficial – so maybe that one isn’t quite right. All the rest, good and not so good, pretty much fits I think.
In Chinese Astrology I’m a Tiger, which is described as:
Assertive, adventurous, independent, inventive,
generous, restless and impulsive.
Again, a lot of me in there. I’m not very adventurous, but I think that’s because of negative life experiences. I think had I not had those I would have embraced my adventurous side.
One thing that both signs say is that I can become a victim of excess and I should especially be careful with food. Ain’t that the truth!
Apparently next year, 2010, is The Year of the Tiger – that’s kinda cool. I’m looking forward to that.
So in honour of my Chinese astrological sign – here’s my tiger doodle:
All About Me
Ever do one of these online personality tests? I sometimes hesitate for fear of what it will tell me – ha. Actually I love these tests and have done the more detailed version of this particular one for work. I was pleased to find out that this shorter on-line version pretty much gave me the same results.
I’m an INPT and and Introvert. Guess I didn’t really need a test to tell me that – but it was kinda fun.
Here’s some info from the ‘mypersonality’ webpage:
“INTPs are logical, individualistic, reserved, and very curious individuals. They focus on ideas, theories and the explanation of how things work. They are especially adept at discussions and debate. They have the ability to focus intently on a subject. They appreciate and respect intelligence in others.”
“People with intrapersonal intelligence are adept at looking inward and figuring out their own feelings, motivations and goals. They are introspective and seek understanding. They are intuitive and typically introverted. They learn best independently.”
“Introversion is a preference to focus on the world inside the self. Introverts tend to be quiet, peaceful and deliberate and are not attracted to social interactions. They prefer activities they can do alone or with one other close friend, activities such as reading, writing, thinking, and inventing. Introverts find social gatherings draining.”
All of that does pretty much describe me, except that for work sometimes I do have to be an extrovert – which I can do quite well. The thing that was interesting was reading this next section:
“Intuition refers to how people process data. Intuitive people focus on the future and the possibilities. They process information through patterns and impressions. They read between the lines, they are abstract thinkers.”
But I want to be this:
“Sensing refers to how people process data. Sensing people focus on the present, they are “here and now” people, who are factual and process information through the five senses. They see things as they are, they are concrete thinkers.”
Maybe I’m not wired to be that way so I should stop trying and embrace what I am. I guess. I’d love to be a concrete thinker -obviously I’m not.
Anyway, that was fun. If you want to give it a try just click on the badge at the top of the post and it will take you to their website.
Storm Clouds Always Pass
It’s been 2 days since I fired-up the computer. I went out shopping again on Thursday, spent more than I wanted but it was mostly on plants for my balcony. I have to say though, I’m thoroughly enjoying them.
I went to Chapters last night and bough a book and I’m thoroughly enjoying that as well. I haven’t treated myself like this in a long time. Over a year.
I’ve stopped spending money now though, I really have to be careful when in comes to money as I am on a tight budget. But boy did it feel good to spend a little and treat myself. I don’t even feel guilty. I started to but I refuse to let myself feel guilty. I really love my balcony – it’s my little piece of heaven and I spent almost all of today out there enjoying the plants and reading my book.
It started to storm, really storm – crazy winds and rain and as I stood inside watching my plants I thought they would be destroyed. As I watched I thought – my god, that’s like me. When the storm was at its worst the plant was blown all over the place and beaten down. But the height of the storm didn’t last, it passed and things started to calm down again. Eventually the sun came out and while the plant looked a little blown around it was still standing and looking rather lovely with the water droplets on it.
It’s like my therapist is always telling me – about how my emotions, those stormy negative ones that can cause panic – they move along. I’ll be left standing and the emotions will have passed. In the height of it all it’s extremely scary, but it doesn’t last. The emotions don’t last. When things are at their darkest it really does seem like it will last forever – but it doesn’t.
I’ve written about this before, but I think it’s important that I keep thinking about it and writing about it. It reminds me of what happened to me a couple of weekends ago when I had that huge panic attack and just weathered myself through it. Nothing has been the same since then. I’m like a different person since that day. May 9th. That was quite the day. I wrote 4 posts that day. What an emotionally exhausting day. It was a huge breakthrough for me though. I’m not the same as I was prior to that day. I see things differently now. Just like how the world looks different after a storm has past.
That was a scary day for me, even re-reading my posts is difficult – but wow, such changes I’ve made since then! I wouldn’t erase that day for anything now. It was pivotal.
Right now the sun is out again and it’s almost 8:30 pm. Everything is all wet and looking refreshed.
I have a family event to go to tomorrow and I’m looking forward to it. That’s huge for me! I usually dread those things. But not this time.
My apartment is pretty much the same as it was a few days ago. I have some plans of what I’d like to do over the next couple of days and I’m even excited about it. Instead of seeing my plans as something negative or as a punishment I see them more as a gift to me. My life really is a lot easier when things are more organized. I’ve had a little taste of that over the past week and I liked it.
I think I”ll actually accomplish what I have planned. I’ll be disappointed with myself if I don’t, but I also know that if I don’t accomplish them that doesn’t make me a failure, it just makes me a person who has to adjust her time-line.
Here are 2 photos I snapped this evening – the first as the storm was at its worst, the second about 20 minutes later.
A Little Shopping Spree
I can’t remember the last time I went shopping where it wasn’t for groceries or cleaning supplies. But tonight I actually went to Walmart – haven’t been there in many years. Probably 2 or 3.
I do shop for clothes once in a while, but I have to go to specialty plus-size stores. They’re expensive, but at Pennington’s with every $200 you spend they send you a $25 gift certificate. That’s a good deal. I had one and thought I’d use it but when I looked at it – it was expired. I couldn’t believe it because it seems like I just got it in the mail, but the date on it says I’ve had it for over a year! It’s like I’ve been in a coma for a year or something. Anyway, I don’t buy clothes very often, maybe once or twice a year and even then I don’t spend a lot of money. This was the first year I had a winter jacket in something like 5 years.
But I did save some money and got a little bonus recently, so I wanted to buy some stuff I needed or wanted for my apartment. Usually I won’t buy anything because I think my place has to be cleaned first before I bring anything new in. Like it will become toxic or something. I decided that there were a few small items that I did need and that it would be okay to bring home.
I also thought I might be able to buy a top or something at Walmart – they have plus sizes but those are usually too small for me. But I have been losing weight so I though maybe I’d give it a try.
I was a little nervous because in the past I’ve ended up over spending, buying stuff I don’t need, it’s just another compulsion. But I was pleased that I stuck to my budget and only bought things that I can put to use right now. Like 2 new pillows & pillow cases, some new towels, new socks … all of those were under $5.00 each – good bargains. I got a few other things as well – all needed and all very economical.
I even made a few mental notes on things I’d like to get to finish my bathroom. I got quite excited when I saw the prices were really good. Everything will probably come under $40.00. I was pleased. Also pleased that I didn’t buy it now. About 2 years ago I bought a duvet thinking I’d set up my bedroom the way I wanted, it’s still in my trunk.
I tried on a few clothes which was upsetting. I wear nice clothes, not fancy or expensive, but I do look nice – but when I tried on the size 4+ tops I didn’t like the way I looked. I looked really slobby. Very ugly.
When I left the dressing room I thought I was going to cry. I had just arrived at the store and I felt my plans were all mucked-up.
But then I did my new thought-process thing … where I take note of what I’m feeling and think about it, make sense of it, and then put it where it belongs.
I realized that I had come to the store for a purpose and I wasn’t going to let what happened ruin that. So that’s what I did. And I had a great time. I wandered around for over an hour – I haven’t done that in years. I was surprised at all the changes – they’ve made it a super-store. They have a grocery section and lots of other stuff. I was disappointed at the lack of variety in everything though. The clothes were very limited, so were all the household items. Back when I used to shop quite often I remember aisles of choices. I guess those days are gone.
But it was enjoyable and I did end up getting everything I wanted. Plus, as I said I have a little wish list of stuff I plan to get over the summer.
I’d like to have my apartment organized by the end of June. I have bigger plans, like painting, etc., but that’s down the road. I can get the place very livable by the end of June, I think.
In the past I’d let all my plans stop me. I’d think too big – like painting and new curtains, light fixtures, etc., and decide it was too overwhelming so I’d do nothing.
Now I know I don’t have to think that way, and I know that that kind of thinking is like a huge road-block.
Now I know I can plan to do all the basics and have them done by the end of June. And then after that I can set some new goals with realistic time-lines.
It doesn’t have to be perfect right away.
Lots of good stuff going on in my brain the past few days. It’s a nice change.
Negativity is Exhausting
First, I have to say I’m in a fantastic mood today, despite the title of this post. I had a great day! I woke up ready to face the day, had a great day at work, got lots of good feedback from people at work. It was just great. I came home feeling good and am sitting here now enjoying what’s left of the evening.
I came to the huge and spectacular realization (uh huh) that being negative is really exhausting and being positive is energizing. Woohoo, stop the presses. Like, no one has ever figured that out before, lol.
Anyway, I had to renew my drivers license and of course I left it until the last minute before the office closed, but whatever, that’s me. I’m in line and behind me is theeeeee most negative woman I have ever encountered.
As I stood there listening to her going on and on to the guy she was with, I realized she sounds just like that “bully” I have in my head! Well, I don’t hear a voice but it’s a thought process. A very negative thought process that has held me prisoner for like a year or more. Well, most of my life, really. But this past year has been especially bad.
The man she was with would say something and then she’d knock it down. She was swearing and going on about how people were assholes, and fucking idiots … on and on. I started thinking maybe she was really depressed because I remember when I was at my worst I often talked like that – everything was negative, negative, neg-a-tive!
I glanced at her and was surprised to see that she was dressed very professionally. Way better duds then I had on – very expensive. As I listened I gathered that she worked for the government, had a secretary, seemed to have an important job.
Anyway, it seemed like a long 20 minutes having to listen to her negativity. She was sucking the life out of me. I get that maybe she had a problem, but whatever – I just couldn’t take it anymore.
When I was done I walked out of there and away from her like I was escaping something – like when I went out the door I was walking into freedom!
It was kind of like that day I yelled and screamed at the air at “my bully”. It was liberating!
I know it’s not earth shattering news that negativity is negative, lol but it is kind of news for me today. Of course I know this, but today I really felt it. All her negativity was just exhausting to listen to. It was such a downer. And it was prophetic, of course if she expects crap then crap will happen.
What a wonderful eye-opener for me today. Her face is etched on my mind now as the personification of that nasty negativity I throw up as road blocks to my life.
Damn My Mood Changes Fast
Oh yes it does, and I think it’s important for me to write about it when it happens.
This evening, as you can see by my post titles, I went from Panic to Duckie to now, and now I’m sitting here breathing heavy after just having a little cry in the elevator.
Sigh.
I took out 4 more bags of garbage. Hoarding is horrible. Those 2 words even sound alike, and for good reason – they’re the same thing.
Just when I think I’ve made head-way I have a moment of reality and it just overwhelms me like a big freaking wave.
So I need to take this moment and write about it. Think about it. Learn from it and move on from it.
It’s a long convoluted reason why I hoard garbage, but I do. It’s horrible to even write it out. When I did just now I felt it in my chest. It was an actual tug or something in my chest. But I think it’s important to push myself a little like this.
Some of the garbage is just that, food packages, or other kinds of packages, bags, cartons, etc. Not food, if I have that I throw it out, although my fridge is looking pretty toxic at the moment. Most of the garbage is paper and packaging – an environmentalists nightmare I’m sure. But it’s all stuff that comes into my house through the mail or when I buy things I need. It just never goes out. Well, not until I push myself to do it.
I was in therapy for many years and discovered the reasons why I do this, I don’t want to write those here, but I do understand them and in understanding them my hoarding actually makes sense, in a strange way.
So while it is horrible, I also understand it was a form of self-preservation at the time it got started. That does help me to be less harsh on myself when I think about all that. Knowing why I do it, and understanding it, does help.
Anyway – I’m felling calmer now that I’ve written that all out.
My little cry in the elevator was from a lot of things. In a weird way it’s from missing all my stuff and realizing how bizarre that is. It is bizarre, no doubt about it but it is real. There’s a strange sense of loss when I take it out. It would be easy to get rid of it otherwise.
Anyway, not sure if there are any other hoarders out there – but if there are I get it. It’s not easy and it’s rarely understood. We’re not lazy or slobs or bad housekeepers – it’s way more complex then that. And anyone who tells you differently isn’t very knowledgeable on the subject.
Yep, my mood does change fast. I’m feeling better again. Still a little stressed, but better.
