Feeling So-So
Wow – I don’t think about this blog for a year and here I am posting twice in 2 days.
I started thinking last night about what I have done in a year. Sure I’m still living in a toxic apartment but I have done a few things.
I filed for and am now out of bankruptcy. That was huge. My 2nd bankruptcy, oh joy. But it has made my life a lot better. Plus I handed in all the paperwork to complete my taxes. I hadn’t done that in about 4 or 5 years. So that’s progress.
I also joined Weight Watchers and lost some weight. I plan to rejoin again this week because I missed so many weeks lately that I’ll need to do that. I had lost 32 lbs, then gained some and the loss was 26 lbs, so I stopped going to WW. I went on Saturday to rejoin but they were closed – so I know I will do it this week.
I’ve been better about taking my medications, especially for diabetes. I have more tests to go for – I’ve put those off but plan to do that soon.
I did take out 3 bags of garbage last night. The dumpster in the basement is full so I can’t take out any more for a few days.
I could clean up in my apartment though, but I haven’t. I don’t have any food in the house either – nothing. So now I’m forced to go shower so I can go out in public.
That’s not really a bad thing -I tend to not want to leave my apartment after being in it for few days.
So – while I haven’t become the person I want to be in the past year I have taken a few baby steps.
I hate baby steps – I really want to take giant leaps and when I don’t I get paralyzed.
So – time to embrace the baby steps, I guess.
A Year
I can’t believe it’s been a year since I posted. Wow.
Nothing much has happened in a year. I’m still sitting in a mess.
I re-read some of the posts I did here earlier but had to stop, it was too upsetting. In a way it was like reading someone else’s diary – I forgot how honest I was here and how dishonest I am in my real life.
I want to clean up so bad but I’m so paralyzed. Just paralyzed to get started.
Every once in a while I get a burst of energy but it doesn’t last more than a few seconds and then the fear over takes me.
Fear of cleaning up? I dunno. Fear of doing something, anything.
Fear of admitting my failure? As if I still won’t be surrounded by my failure if I don’t start to clean up. It makes no sense I know.
I’m glad I found this site again. I’d forgotten about it. Couldn’t even remember what I called it. But I did some searching – it took me a while but obsessing about finding this blog and remembering my email etc., kept my mind occupied and away from what I should be doing. The cleaning. So maybe it’s not a good thing that I wasted my time finding this blog.
Or maybe it is a good thing. It might motivate me to do something and record it. Although hard, it was good to read a few of the posts – what am I afraid of anyway? Not failing? I’m so used to failing that the idea of success is paralyzing me?
I need to stop ignoring.
I can’t believe it’s been a year since I did anything.
My apartment has been like this since a year ago.
That’s pretty shocking when I think about it. And I rarely think about it.
Good or bad thing finding this blog again … I don’t know. Sitting here ignoring my real feelings … that’s just hurting me.
It’s weird because I tell myself, subconsciously anyway, that if I ignore this stuff I’m actually protecting me. But really-with the realization that I’m exactly where I was a year ago I now have to face the fact that I’m hurting myself.
I really am hurting myself by not doing anything.
Just typing this is raising my anxiety.
But ignoring it isn’t doing me any favours either.
Okay – I’ve decided that I’m glad I found this blog again. Time to DO something.
