Happy Easter
I doubt it. I hate family get-togethers. Not ’cause I don’t have a nice family, I do. It’s just not my family, it’s my sister’s family. They’re great. They help me out all the time. Which just reminds me of what a loser I am though. I mean, I have to go for a family dinner but I owe both my sister and niece 200+ each for car repairs, and I need more repairs and can’t afford it. I don’t even wanna face them. So I’d like to give my niece at least 100 today, but I know that only leaves me with 80 until 2 pays from now. That’s pretty much a month. I can’t do it. I’m an idiot.
That picture pretty much says how I’m feeling now as I get ready to go over there. I guess I’m doing that in my head, I’m crying right now. But by the time I get over there no one will even know that I’m upset or sad. It will be fun and no one will know I just wanna die.
Beauty in Decay
I found this photo thru google, it had a tag line that said, “there’s beauty in decay.” I guess that’s true when you’re talking about wood or something.
Anyway, it’s a bit how I’m feeling now. A little decayed but hopeful.
I signed the final paperwork for my bankruptcy today. My 2nd bankruptcy. Oh joy. On the way there my tire went flat again … it went flat on Tuesday as well.
I opened the glove box against my better judgment to look for some papers, that let’s face it I knew it wouldn’t be in there, anyway … now the glove box door won’t close.
On the way out of the parking lot after having signed the paperwork my muffler fell down just a little more … so I’ll definitely have to bring it in for repair this weekend. I still owe both my niece and sister about 200 each for previous car repairs.
Ah well…yeah, decay … but ever hopeful. Well, kinda hopeful. To be honest I’m just to darn tired to be anything.
Doctor appointment tomorrow…just to get prescription refill. But I didn’t do the tests he wanted me to do from the last time I was in there…like 5 months ago.
Should be interesting.
Still Doing Okay
Yes, it’s still going well and I’m still doing okay. Another day down and a little closer to the weekend.
I’m not going to put too much pressure on myself for things to do over the weekend, but I do have to remember to put at least a little pressure on … otherwise I’ll just end up doing what I did last weekend and all the weekends before – which is nothing.
So that’s how I’m doing right now … and that’s my plan for the next few days. Slow and easy … a little pressure but not so much that I paralyze myself.
Ah yes, sounds good to me.
My mood is better and I did manage to get some decent sleep last night – not a lot but some. It may be because I’m back on my medication or it could be as simple as the fact that I actually left the apartment … and went out into the world. Maybe it’s a combination. I dunno.
But I will try to remember all of this next weekend when the anxiety and agoraphobic feelings set in again, as they inevitably do.
Feeling Better
Well, I am feeling better, even thought everything’s still the same. Getting cleaned-up and going to work helped! 
I have to remember that staying inside for more than 1 day at a time is not good. Brings on symptoms of agoraphobia for me. Two days inside and the depression sets in. Then I have huge anxiety when I have to leave the apartment. Not good.
I tell myself this every Friday, but I rarely listen. By Tuesday I’ve been holed-up for 3 days straight. I’ll see how successful I am this coming weekend. I want to be successful. At least I think I do. I seem to keep putting road blocks in my way for someone who wants to succeed.
Grrr….
Ah well, one more day down. A few more ’till the weekend. I keep thinking things will be different then. I guess they only will be if I make them different.
I have made a few positive steps … and I shouldn’t ignore that. I’ve made arrangements to get my finances in order … that’s good. And I made that doctor’s appointment for a prescription refill. Again … that’s good.
So it’s good because while I haven’t made a lot of strides forward, I haven’t taken any backwards. And that does make me feel a bit better.
New Day
Well, it sure doesn’t feel like it … but it is a new day. So I’m off to get in the shower then off to work. Then home to the same old crap.
Let’s see if I cant do something different today. Doing the same things over and over again isn’t getting me anywhere. It’s just keeping me stuck in this bizarre nightmare of a life.
It’s all very anxiety producing. I need to change so the anxiety will stop. I dunno, maybe that’s not the way it works. I can’t even think clearly. Of course having only slept about 3 hours doesn’t help.
Okay … off to face the world. I’m so normal to all the people I encounter out there. If only they knew my reality.
Ah Well ….
Yeah, I didn’t do what I had wanted to do today. What’s new. Oh well … it’s almost 1am now, can’t do much about it at this point, eh?
I did manage to tidy up a few things…not that you’d notice, the place is such a mess. But I notice, I guess. It’s better than it was and that’s a good thing, I guess. I guess, I guess.
Avoiding actually takes a lot of energy. I wish I could remember that when I’m doing it, lol.
Okay, well I don’t want to go to bed feeling like a failure again, but I think that’s pretty much what’s going to happen here.
Tomorrow’s another day. Another day for me to avoid stuff, I’m afraid.
