Present, Past, Future … Whatever
I always hear that living in the present is the best. Living in the past is dwelling and doesn’t get you anywhere. And why worry about the future when it hasn’t happened yet.
That’s what I always thought.
But I watched a brief presentation (can’t remember where as I’ve been watching a lot lately) where the presenter stated that it’s better to be future oriented … goal oriented. Because that way you’re working toward something and … in my interpretation of it, you can do the things you have to do in the present, maybe things you don’t want to do, because it will lead to something … hopefully something good.
One of the studies sited was the one where kids are put in front of a marshmallow (ever see this? I saw it years ago on a documentary). Anyway, they’re told not to eat the marshmallow but to wait and if they wait until the person comes back in the room they’ll get 2 marshmallows. About two-thirds of the kids eat the marshmallow … immediate satisfaction. Well I guess years later they went back and interviewed the kids and those that waited and didn’t eat the marshmallow … and then got 2, did better in school, on SATs etc.
Immediate gratification. That’s my life. And this presentation I watched earlier today made me realize that I live too much of my time in the present.
Like this weekend. I’ve been enjoying myself, just doing nothing – not showering, not going out, not cleaning-up, not organizing my life. I just hung around doing stuff I like – eating, sleeping, reading, watching TV, surfing the net. Maybe it sounds like heaven to busy people, but by Sunday night it leaves me anxious, angry and defeated.
I didn’t do anything that will make my life easier next week. I’ll have to fumble through my week yet again. Looking for stuff. Everything all mixed up. But given 2 days to sort some stuff out I chose to sit and ignore it all and be in the moment of pleasure. Not taking into consideration the future consequences.
Same with my eating. Why deny the pleasure now? I’ve never been able to make that connection that these pleasures I’m partaking in now will have serious and detremental effects on me in the future.
I realized this about 18 years ago. 18! But basically forgot about it, or ignored it, until today when I saw this video presentation. The presentation itself wasn’t that good…which is one reason why I can’t find it again now. But that’s not what’s really important here. What’s important is that I need to adjust the way I look at the things I do. I need to make the connection that doing something now will have a positive (or negative) effect on me in the future.
Goals have never been my friend. I’ve never been goal oriented. My brain doesn’t even seem to think that way. It never occurs to me to make a plan. To be honest, it’s hard to even figure out what steps to take.
Anyway. Here it is about 8:30 on a Sunday night. I spent most of yesterday recovering from my stressful week. I have to say, I was tired, sore, in pain, my stomach was out of control and my head was aching. I couldn’t focus and felt really foggy. That was Saturday.
Today I was up around 9am but then fell back asleep until about 3pm. Waste. Now I’m sitting here anticipating the panic that will soon grip me because I’ll realize Monday is coming and I’ll have to go to work and I don’t want to. And I’ll start freaking out that I didn’t do anything in my apartment and be upset about the state of chaos and mess. Then I’ll be so stressed I’ll be unable to sleep and ultimately be late for work. I’ll wake up and be terrified to get out of bed. Yes … terrified.
That’s how I feel in the mornings. Terrified. Terrified to greet the day. I envy those people who wake with the wonder of what the day will bring. People who welcome the day. I’ve never been like that. I’ve never felt that way in the morning not even when I was a child. Waking from my wonderful slumber was always sad and scary to me. My dream world was where I wanted to stay. The real world was too mean and hard … and made me sad and scared.
Here I am47 and still reacting to the world in the same freaking way.
Why?
I don’t know.
This is So Worth Watching
I’ve never heard of Jill Bolte Taylor before, but after checking out her website I see she’s been on Oprah – so obviously lots of people have heard her story.
This is a 15 min presentation she did for TED (which is an amazing website). Anyway, it’s really worth watching. Very inspiring and thought-provoking about how we are in the world.
I’m not a religious person but I liked the way she described her experience eventhough she uses some religious words, but really, that’s all we have to describe such experiences in our culture. With her being a doctor it just made it more fascinating to me because she describes it from that perspective as well.
It has me thinking. I love when that happens…lol.
TGIF – You Better Believe It
What a freaking week. I know I probably am my own worst enemy at times and I probably made my week a lot more stressful than it needed to be.
My car is fixed and running again, thank goodness.
I really did have a huge freak-out with my family. All is calm now though. I’ve made my apologies as have they – and we’ve all talked about it and our behaviours. We’re pretty good that way once the dust settles.
The thing is, I’ve only been that openly upset with my family about 3 or 4 times in the past so when it happens it takes everyone by surprise, including me. Clearly we all need a better way of communicating and sharing our feelings.
I guess I was feeling especially vulnerable when help was offered and I perceived that as them thinking I was incapable of making good decisions and handling my own life.
I know that has a lot to do with the fact that in the past I have made a lot of bad decisions, especially when it comes to money, and I’ve suffered for it. So my reaction to them was really a reaction to myself. I mean, they were just trying to be helpful but I interpreted a whole bunch of other stuff to be in there – like they were jumping in to save me from myself. I don’t think that’s how they saw it but that’s how I interpreted it.
Clearly I have lots to work on. At the same time, my family is now more understanding of my feelings and that’s a good thing. They weren’t aware before of how sensitive this issue was with me.
Anyway, I can take a bit of a breather now. Even my landlady was really kind. She saw them towing my car and knew I was obviously having trouble. She’s fine with me paying the rest of my rent mid-month and to be honest, she was very nice about it all. Funny how I accepted her compassion as compassion and my family’s as something else.
People being nice to be is hard for me. I know that’s messed-up. But it’s true. Melinda made a good comment on my previous post about how it’s hard for her to ask for help as well and I totally get that. I’m always expecting ulterior motives – because that’s how it’s always been.
Plus I was always made to feel like asking for help was a sign of failure. And failure was the ultimate sin. Not being perfect – well ya might as well die.
Good grief.
Anyway, this episode really exhumed a lot of stuff about my personality. Stuff I really never, ever look at. So I guess that’s like a gift from the universe? That’s how I’m suppose to look at it I think.
Humility, pride, stubbornness. Those are all words that come to mind at the moment. All things that can be good or bad. I know I’m a very stubborn person but that has also served me well as it’s often kept me going in the past, but it can obviously have a negative effect as well.
I gotta say … my eyes are so swollen today. I look exhausted and have a mega headache. A lot of self-inflicted pain for sure … rather than continue with the negativity I’m going to try and learn something from all of this.
But for now … there’s a Star Wars weekend marathon happening on one of the networks so I’m going to watch it. I’m a total geek that way, lol. But I do love those movies and find them relaxing.
TGIF!
Because I’m Not Capable
So now everyone’s trying to step in and take over my life because apparently I’m not capable of making decisions on my own. I had decided to get my car repaired but according to those all around me that’s the wrong decision and now everyone is trying to find a way to save me.
I know I probably sound like I’m never happy. Not happy when people don’t help me and not happy when they do.
But the reality is support doesn’t mean taking over and treating me like I’m the idiot child who isn’t capable of anything.
I can’t remember the last time I’ve cried so much. It’s just so upsetting and I don’t know what to do.
The thought of everything is getting me really panicked. The idea that I won’t have a car and all that that entails makes me panic. I went 10 years slugging around on busses – I just can’t bear the thought of that happening to me now at my age.
Clearly the Problem is Me
I still can’t turn my thoughts off today. One thing is for sure is that clearly the real problem here is me. If I had a life, friends, etc., then I wouldn’t be feeling this way – or if I did feel this way I’d have other things going on in my life to distract me and I’d have people in my life to give me support. But the way it is now all I have is work and I pretty much hate that.
I signed up for facebook under my real name and it’s so sad because really, I don’t have any friends. I used to have a fb account under my fake name from a previous blog I used to have and I had 100s of friends, but I didn’t know any of them – just knew them through my blog, which was a fun blog and I did meet a lot of great people online but how real is that. It was real in the sense that they were great people and we did have fun at times, but after a while it left me feeling hollow.
In many ways having friends online suits my personality because I’m very internal and don’t really like social gatherings – so I, like many, do find online social networking to be enjoyable and at times fulfilling.
But having my real name on facebook and only a few relatives as friends it really hit me that I don’t make friends. I don’t have friends. Not that I didn’t know that but it’s just really hitting home with me.
I always thought I could manage just fine on my own because that’s how I’ve gone through my life. I moved a lot as kid so was never in one place for long and making and keeping friends was just something I never learned to do. Now moving closer to 50 I can see that my life is pretty empty.
The thing is if I want to change any of this then I need to look at myself in an honest way. I’m not just rambling here online for no reason – I’m actually doing it to try and change me. To propel me to make changes. Sometimes it’s worked but obviously not enough and I’ve taken steps backwards over the past month.
I had wanted this holiday to be my free day. I figured that last weekend I’d have everything done in my apartment and today’s holiday would be my day to relax and enjoy. But that’s not happened. Just like any other goal I’ve set in my life I had no real plan and had no direction and ultimately nothing happened.
I thought by putting my real name on facebook and classmates that maybe former friends/co-workers/classmates would contact me but that hasn’t happened. I contacted a few but not much came of it and one even denied ever knowing me. Mostly the ones that did make a connection are avoiding me. Makes me wonder exactly what kind of person I am according to these people. Obviously not a very good one.
I know there’s people out there who like me, I have a few friends but none are on any online social networks. They are like me in many ways, for one thing, they don’t like a lot of social interaction so basically we don’t get together a lot. I thought they’d enjoy fb but 2 people I’m thinking of never got the hang of it and closed their accounts.
Whatever.
I get the feeling people just feel sorry for me. People will say what a nice person I am but when I think about it none of those people have ever tried to get to know me. Not sure why that is. I wonder what kind of vibe I’m giving out. Who knows. But based on people’s reactions to me the vibe I’m giving isn’t a positive one. Which I guess, given how I feel about myself and my life, pretty much makes sense.
The More I Think About This
You know – the more I think about it the more I realize that I could sense the boss’ vile mood coming which is part of why I avoided work yesterday. I was having some serious stomach issues but I probably could have gone in but I was getting a hugely negative and disturbing vibe from her the day before.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot tonight and it’s a bit like an abusive partner, she’s manipulative and if things don’t go her way she blows and then pouts and then the silent treatment … then she goes over the top in her praise. She never apologizes or acknowledges her behaviour.
She came in out of the blue before I left for work today – she had long gone home, but she came back and offered me a ride home, which I didn’t need and I never asked her for one either. She kept insisting like it would be a huge favour to her if I accepted. How very odd. Especially considering that prior to that she couldn’t even look at me and mostly just did a lot of sighing when I offered help. It upset me so much I actually had to go to the washroom because I was crying. That’s ridiculous – I wasn’t over reacting – she really was that bad. I don’t want to type everything that she said or did because it’s just too upsetting – but the vile looks she gave and the rudeness – it was over the top and had me nervous.
Her behaviour of coming back to the office and over insisting that I take her up on her offer also left me wondering if there had been something in my behaviour that made her do that. Had I acting wounded or something? But I don’t think so. I think my behaviour today was professional and cheerful.
I remember when I first started working there I thought about how odd she was and was quickly looking for another job – like everyone else who had worked with her had done. In the end they all left but I’m still there. Why? Mostly because I need the money and secondly because I don’t think I’m worth anything else. But when she’s not in this type of mood the job suits me very well. But I think I’m going to start taking note of these types of days more and more now. It obviously effects me more than I realized.
She’s all about psychoanalysing people. I think she plays me to be honest. She’s very manipulative. She’s reacted this way to me in the past as well, sometimes I can figure out why other times I can’t. Whatever … it basically feels like she’s punishing me. I’ve learned to predict her moods, much like someone in an abusive relationship does. I’m not saying it’s the same, but she’s got some weird emotional abuse stuff going on with her husband as far as I can tell. He does a lot of pacifying from what I’ve seen. She can be pretty cruel at times.
And I’m only now remembering what the person who left a few years ago said about her. In my previous post I had said this person thought she had a split personality – well that’s true she did say that but she also said that when she got in these moods she reminded her of her abusive mom. This woman who quit had a terrible relationship with her mother – and I remember now that she compared the boss’ behaviour to that of her abusive mother. How very odd. But you know – she’s right. And like I said in another previous post, the boss’ mother was very abusive and also had schizophrenia and she’s cut off all ties with her and hasn’t seen her in well over 20 years.
I remember another day about 2 years ago when I was having car problems, it was in the shop and she offered me a ride, I thanked her but had made other arrangements. Then when the car had to stay an extra day awaiting parts I did need a ride. It was snowing heavily and I waited for her to offer, but she never did. She was in that same weird mood again. Finally I asked her if she’d mind, because she had said the day before to ask her anytime she didn’t mind … anyway, when I did ask she curtly said that there was a bus stop right outside the building and she packed-up and left!
I was shocked at her bluntness only because at all other times she’s over the top with the love and the helpfulness, yada, yada. And it left me wondering for days what I had done to deserve that. I think she’s trampled my confidence over the years. One of my siblings had said that to me at one time, after she met her. I’m thinking there’s some truth in there somewhere. Sometimes I feel like she’s treating me like I’m incapable of tieing up my shoes. And I think over the years I’m starting to believe that I am incompetent.
Anyway, back on that snowy day I ended up stuck at the office until after 10pm waiting for a relative to give me a ride because I didn’t even have bus fare. Nor did I have lunch or anything – not that that’s her problem but in the past when she’s been without a vehicle I’ve offered and gone out, on numerous occasions, and got her something. And given her rides. I’ve never said no. And that’s not just because she’s my boss – I’d never say no to anyone stuck in that situation, why would I? It’s no skin off my nose to drive 2 blocks out of my way – big deal. It’s also no problem if I’m going out for lunch or coffee to offer to bring something back to someone in the office – today she didn’t even do that and she went out and got something for herself. How very rude of her. It’s just the 2 of us in that area of the office and I cannot comprehend going out for lunch and not asking the only other person there if they’d like something especially knowing that that person is stranded without a vehicle and we don’t have anything on site.
Every single day I go out at some point for coffee and always ask her if she wants one and 90 % of the time she does. How hard is it to do that? She was treating me like I had done something horrible. Very childish.
Then she asked me to do something by the end of the week and then by mid-day she got all agitated and said to forget about it and send the info back to her she was going to do it herself. That pissed me off. I’m more than capable of doing what she asked – and if she doesn’t need it until next week why add something to her busy schedule that I can easily do. I had it 90% done anyway. I was getting all nervous trying to send her the info because I felt like she was going to hit me – seriously. I really felt like she was going to. I could feel her getting angry and trying not to yell like she has in the past. She was standing over me and I really felt like I had to duck to not get hit. I didn’t move but it was a weird sensation. I’ve never been hit by anyone but I have to say – I really felt like she was going to throttle me and it’s not the first time. And it’s not like I’m horrible at my job – in my previous job where I worked for over 15 years I always had glowing reviews.
I know I’m probably thinking about this all too much but why do I end up in jobs like this with people like her? I think there’s something to that. After school I got a job and stayed there 15 years and as I said, always positive feedback. Then I moved and since my divorce my jobs have been sketchy. I know it’s partly due to my depression but sometimes I think I’ve stayed too long in bad jobs thinking that I deserved it or thinking that it was my fault I was being treated badly. I’m honest about my capabilities but I also think that in this situation and in a couple of previous jobs the problem was the boss, not necessarily me. It’s weird but in the 3 jobs I’ve had where I’ve felt like this I always went into a job where many others had left. I mean, in each of those jobs I was told upfront that the person was hard to work for and that many others had gone before me. Why even go into those types of situations? Well mostly ’cause I needed the money. But talk about bad choices on my part.
I really wish she’d leave and someone with the actual qualifications for the job would get it. If that happened I’d actually have something to do. She ends up doing my job – not because I can’t do it but because she was promoted and never really stopped doing my job. She can’t really do executive work which is why when today her bosses are needing something executive to be done she can’t handle it.
Anyway – all of this says way more about me than her. Why do I think it’s okay for someone to treat me this way? I think it’s okay because I really don’t think I’m worthy of anything more. On one level I do, but when push comes to shove – I really don’t.
I really think I should be grateful for this stupid menial job because I really think I’m not capable of more – which is not true. I have over 20 years of experience and a degree plus lots of other courses.
Whenever I apply for a job I always go for ones that I’m over qualified for. I’m basically in the same type of job I was in before I got my degree. I don’t give myself enough credit and I know it.
I deserve better. I do – but I really don’t feel like I do.
