Christmas Lights & Feeling Alive
These are the lights I’m decorating with today 
It’s been years since I really decorated, inside and out. But earlier this week I decided I wanted to decorate my door – so at 2am I did, lol. Then I started unpacking all my Christmas stuff. Then yesterday I went to Walmart and bought some new lights for my balcony. I’m excited about putting them up. I have some stuff up already and it’s so pretty!
My apartment is still clean and tidy, except for my bedroom which is still a mess and the door is still closed. I haven’t really gone in there since the big clean-up a couple of weeks ago, mainly because I haven’t really had time on the weekends to do anything – I’ve had a couple of family things come up which have been fun. It’s interesting how much more I enjoy these get-togethers when I know my apartment is tidy. It’s also interesting how much easier it is to unpack a box, like the one with my Christmas decorations, when the apartment is clean. It’s not so overwhelming. I unpacked some stuff, put the rest away and then boom…it’s all done and everything is tidy again! Just like how all the normal people do stuff!! LOL
Anyway, it’s all part of the baby steps I keep talking about. The thing is that now I can finally see that some of those baby steps are adding up to real progress. It’s taken a long time – but it’s working. I really started all this hard work back April of this year when I re-started this blog. I’m so glad I originally started writing here in March 2008 because when I came back to it in April 09 and re-read all the posts it was a real eye-opening experience for me. It was a pivotal moment and ever since I’ve been making such positive changes. There have been a lot of set backs and stress and anger along the way, but a lot of really positive stuff too. Heck, for all I know the set backs, stress & anger is also positive. Sometimes that stuff can propel you forward – ya know?
But for now what’s propelling me forward today is all the pretty lights and decorations I see around my place. It’s really making me feel alive again.
Maintaining
It’s good to be maintaining. I think I might even be progressing a little.
I sat in my nice clean livingroom today with the curtains wide open – as wide as they could open – and just enjoyed the view. Both the view outside and in. I had cleaned the windows several weeks ago so it was a delight to look through the window out to the sunny day. And the inside was all clean and tidy, and that was so nice.
When I first got up today I just puttered around for a while. Tidying things up, watering my plants (which are thriving lately) and just doing all the normal stuff I used to do on a Saturday or Sunday morning. Altho it was more around noon than morning, but still, lol. It was nice. And mid way through my puttering I realized what I was doing and just stopped and thought about how much I used to enjoy that years ago when I had a big house. My ex would be in bed and I’d get up early and do all that stuff. I really loved it. Even after our divorce I did that for a while but then eventually I just closed myself off more and more … until I rarely cleaned and always kept the curtains closed. Now finally after 10 years or so I’m getting back to what used to be normal for me. I still have a ways to go yet – but it sure felt nice sitting here in my sunny, clean livingroom today.
The meditation is helping too. I’ve been going to classes and it’s been really enjoyable. I’ve even been meditating at home on my own. I know we were suppose to be doing that all along but I wasn’t as I didn’t really have a spot to do it. But now I do, and it’s really nice.
I think I’ve used the word “nice” a few times now. It’s a kind of an over-used word in our society I think and people don’t always take it seriously – but it really fits here for me. It really is how I feel. And I’m enjoying it.
It’s nice!
A Beautiful Day
Yes it was. Other than some silly work annoyances, it was a beautiful day. I didn’t get much sleep last night, as my previous post states … but I did get some. That’s more than I usually get when I do the all night clean-up thing. And I didn’t feel rushed at the end, I was done in plenty of time and there was no last minute panicked rush. No real anxiety at all.
It’s so nice to have all this wonderful clean floor space. And there’s a lot of it! And usually that kind of freaks me out, but not this time. This time it’s different for the first time. I’m actually quite enjoying all the openness, and open space. Normally after I clean out all the stuff I’ve hoarded I have a sense of loss, but also a sense of being unnerved by the space. But not this time. Yay!
I’m totally enjoying today and this feeling. I’m kind of sore from all the hard work, lol … but that will wear off and it’s good for me anyway. I’m also tired from the lack of sleep but I’ll be going to bed (or couch) a bit earlier tonight and that’s also good for me. My success even has me looking forward to cleaning out the bedroom and actually getting a new mattress. Oh to actually sleep in a bed! I haven’t done that in almost 3 years … maybe more. And I was in the bedroom yesterday sort of cleaning it out – and it wasn’t as scary as it was previous times. I think that I’m making some good progress here and I’m proud of myself for that.
Heck, even the cats seem really happy! They seem more relaxed and have been enjoying all the extra space as well. Anyway, knowing they’re happier also makes me happy although to be honest, they are very well taken care of – I don’t hoard animals so that’s a good thing. And they’re always well fed, clean, brushed, all that stuff, etc.
I did, unfortunately, have some weird work stuff happen today – but I handled it well. Or, I guess I should say better than I usually do. It caused me a little anxiety. The thing is, when it was happening I recognized how I was feeling. I was a little negative at first and I feel bad about that, but then I explained my uncertainty or concern that perhaps some of the choices being made weren’t the correct ones – and I had some agreement from others so that made me feel good, and like I wasn’t the only one thinking people were making a big elaborate deal out of something simple. It was all professional and I think ultimately it’s going to work out okay. Not the way I’d do it – but I think some people make elaborate plans when something more simple would do because they have the need to feel over-worked and in control. That’s their deal, not mine. And while it’s not exactly the same, I kind of do that in my personal life … I don’t need to do it at work as well, ha!
So. There ya have it. I did it. And like I said in the previous post, it didn’t take as long because I had kept my place in much better condition since my last big clean up. So that’s a positive sign and I feel really good about that!
It’s all good.
Update: I seem to be big on updates lately, lol. But it’s almost 10pm and I’m sitting here thinking … “wow, I’m not all stressed. I feel like I have nothing to do. Like I have lots of time and not rushed.” And the weird thing is, other nights of the week are exactly the same, I don’t have things I have to do, no responsibilities. And I’m usually just sitting here on the couch watching TV or surfing the net. So really, I’m not doing anything different tonight than I do any other night, it’s just that having the place all cleaned-out and tidy has really taken a huge burden off me. I don’t think I really articulated that before. So that’s why I thought it was important to do the update. I feel relaxed. Light. Like I don’t have some impending doom hanging over my head. I mean, if someone knocked on my door now I wouldn’t panic. I’d just open the door. And if the landlady had to come in for some emergency reason, I’d just let her in. What a huge sense of relief! It’s important I write about these feelings. It’s important for me to remember down the road when I’m avoiding stuff and hoarding stuff again. I mean, let’s face it, that’s going to happen again. It’s not like I’m cured or something, lol. And I hope this is helpful and hopeful for those who read this and are going through similar struggles. I mean – that’s really the beauty of blogging. Writing here is helping me … and hopefully reading this is helping someone out there.
I’m Suppose to be Cleaning Right Now
Yes, and I’ve had lots of notice so I only have myself to blame that at 7pm on a Sunday night I haven’t really done anything as of yet … and the inspectors will be here at 9am tomorrow morning. It’s our annual smoke detector inspection. They’ll just be in and out within a few minutes – so it’s no big deal, not a real “inspection”. But people still have to come into my home and in the state it’s in right now I’m sure my next note from the landlord would be an eviction notice.
So ….
Eventho I found out about this yesterday at 2pm … I didn’t take advantage of the time. Oh no. I don’t do things like that.
I know I’ll be up all night, like I always do and will be rushing around in the last hour trying to do everything “just in time”.
That’s me.
I hate it.
But if I really hated it that much I’d change it.
Anyway, now I’m off to get things organized. I’m not looking forward to it. I can feel the panic just bubbling below the surface.
The thing is, I know I’ll be successful. I know come 9am everything will be okay. Not sparkly clean but okay enough. Still … it’s gonna be a long night.
Update: 10pm – kitchen is done, livingroom is half done. Now going to watch Dexter 
Then I have the bathroom & hallway. The hallway is the biggest mess with all the boxes. I’m mostly going to organize them and make them look less chaotic. Then I’ll close the bedroom door … which is an insane room. I thought I might get that done but I decided to leave it. I started in there and did make some progress but then decided it was just distracting me – because I can close the door and they don’t need in there. So … that’s where I am now.
2nd Update: 1:10 am – going along well. You know, for the most part. No panic attacks and that’s wonderful! A couple of times I felt overwhelmed and I did what’s worked in the past. I stopped. Sat down. Told myself to give myself a break with the understanding that I had to, and could, get back to it when I felt calmer. And it worked. I’m thinking I have about an hours work left, maybe two. And the reality is I usually don’t go to bed until 4am anyway, so no big deal. Altho I have to be showered by 9am, but again, no biggie. The thing I’ve noticed is this isn’t taking me as long this time, which tells me I’m getting better at maintaining my place in between big clean-ups. And … I’m also not giving myself such a hard time, so that’s making things a bit better as well. Off now to continue my work.
Voice Mail Lost
It’s weird but I had been saving a couple of voice mail left by a man I was involved with several years ago. The other weird thing is I hadn’t listened to them for almost 3 years, but I just kept saving them.
Anyway, earlier today I accidentally deleted them and I’m a little mad about that … or sad. Not sure. Maybe both. But not sure why, like I said I haven’t even listened to them for 3 years. I think I just wanted to keep them as a memory. Just more proof that I like to save stuff. I don’t like getting rid of stuff, even voice mail from old lovers. Not that he was old, lol. You know what I mean.
Oh dear.
Maybe it’s a good thing. I mean I haven’t seen him since 2006. And I wasn’t in love with him. To be honest, I didn’t even know him that well nor him me. It was an affair. Made me feel alive at the time. Not sure what I was holding on to by keeping the messages. Maybe I just liked having a man’s voice there – but I never listened to them. Not sure what keeping them meant to me to be honest.
I just really wish I hadn’t deleted them.
Clearing Cobwebs
It’s a good time of year to do that … with Halloween just around the corner.
I cleared some from my mind, my balcony and my apartment. I didn’t have actual ones in my apartment, but I did clear out 10 bags of garbage. As for my balcony, I’ve been having a battle with a spider for a couple of weeks but I think I finally convinced him to move. I’ve been really good at keeping the balcony clean and tidy since the spring … it’s been my oasis.
As for the cobwebs in my mind – I cleared those out with a 20 minute walk around the block at about 10pm last night. It was good. I didn’t do much all day but around 9:30 pm I simply decided to get up and take out some garbage. When I was done I felt like I needed some fresh air, so out I went for a walk. It felt good.
When I got home I got my lunch ready for tomorrow, which is unusual for me. I never fix a lunch, I usually buy something or skip it. Neither is a good thing. Although I don’t spend much for lunch, just a couple of dollars, it does add up. And skipping is just bad and makes me even more hungry when I get home. But the other day, after meditation, I bought all good stuff at the grocery store. So I’m happy about that.
I wish things were even more organized and clean – but it is what it is. And it is less cobwebby right now
