What Was All the Fuss About?
Good grief, 3 days back at work and I’m wondering what all the fuss was about the few days prior when I was all anxious and terrified to move or get out of my apartment and get back into life.
It’s quite the reversal of thought.
I look back on my few days of hibernation and seriously wonder what was I thinking? Going out and being involved in life is a good thing. Good grief … it’s like I’ve had a personality transplant.
I guess it’s confirmation of what I know, that staying inside for more than 1 day is a very bad thing for me.
Oh, the Anxiety of it All
Well, I ventured back to work today … and I have a pounding headache now. The anxiety leading up to me actually getting out of bed was overwhelming.
I was late, of course. I didn’t want to get out of bed. Couldn’t really sleep much the night before because I was so anxious about leaving the apartment. When I woke up in the morning I was so stressed I felt like I couldn’t move – I just laid there pretending to sleep -who was I pretending for? I live alone!
Anyway, my heart was pounding, so was my head. I finally got up and got ready. I went out into the world but felt like I was a mess. No one seemed to notice though. That’s the funny thing about anxiety … it’s often hidden.
I know I should never let it go 2 days without leaving the apartment, once that happens it almost takes something extreme to get me outside again.
The one good thing (or bad) about going out is I could buy food, lol. Funny how that addiction will motivate me, but often only long enough to get out, buy something, and then get back in again.
Gotta go to work again tomorrow though, and the next day. Not feeling as stressed about it tonight … I’m sure it will overwhelm me in the morning again. If it does … I’ll just have to deal with it and get going. Can’t afford not to.
Stuck
omg – I’m so stuck. Missed work last week ’cause I can’t get up and get going. It’s like I’m numb. I’m not feeling depressed, just numb. I guess that’s a symptom of depression. But the apathy … is keeping me stuck. I can’t even seem to get angry enough to snap myself out of this.
Just sleeping, hour after hour. Watching videos. That’s it. Well, I did order pizza a few times in the past week. Other than that … I haven’t moved off my couch.
I’m not even sure why I’m feeling like this. Or not feeling. I did start taking anti-depressants a few months ago, a very low dose. Maybe I need that adjusted. Have a doctor’s appointment in a few weeks.
I was just lying here in the disarray, staring at the ceiling, and thought about this blog. Figured, what the hell, sometimes when I write here it gets me motivated. Basically it gets me typing my thoughts … and that gets them out of my head (a little). At least it gets them down in print and gives me the chance to re-read them, unedited. And that helps me figure out what’s going on in my mind.
Still Around … Still Moving Forward
Can’t believe how long it’s been since I dropped by here. I thought about this blog today and thought I’d come by and delete it, but it looks like people continue to visit, maybe it was only 9 people last month, but based on the key-word searches, it looks like maybe some like-minded people are visiting. I hope you find some of what I’ve included here to be helpful, thoughtful, or motivating.
Life for me continues to motor along. No real set-backs, and more baby-steps forward.
I still haven’t tackled my kitchen … lol. Now that I think about it that means I haven’t done a thing in there since April last year. Well, I mean I clean the counter, sink, floor & fridge fairly regularly … but haven’t painted or sorted out the cupboards.
Then there’s the bedroom. I have tidied it up a bit but for the most part I still sleep in the livingroom, which I keep tidy on a regular basis. Wish I could say the same about the bathroom and laundry. Those are 2 areas I really need to focus on, and soon.
More importantly, the hoarding is under control. No more bringing things into the apartment. And I throw things out on a regular basis. Every once in a while I notice a few things piling up, and I get an anxious feeling about having to throw it out, but I do throw it out. No more keeping the bags of garbage in my living space. That’s a huge thing for me. But it’s weird, because sometimes I miss all the layers of fake protection. But … I know I’m better for it without having it around.
It’s tough! And such a weird compulsion that I still never talk about it with anyone out here in my real life. I can only do that here.
It’s good I still have this blog. It’s like a timeline of my movement forward in life. And right now I can see I’m out of the darkest part. It’s still a bit foggy at times, but there is some light.
The job and money situation is finally calmed down. I’m being better about saving and the new job is less stressful and things are really good.
Then there’s the compulsive over-eating. Hmm…that’s still a huge struggle. I’m at the point now where I’m more aware of my feelings when I’m doing it, but it’s such a strong compulsion it’s been hard to change.
But … a new year, new opportunities.
Come So Far … So Far to Go
Yeah, that’s how I feel. I’ve come so far but I still have so far to go.
Holiday times are hard for me because I don’t have my own family. I have family but it’s siblings and their children & grandchildren. I’m on my own. I find that hard at times.
I basically drive home from family gatherings crying, alone in my car. No one would ever know that’s what I do. I actually think people would be shocked to know I’m feeling so alone and lonely.
I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been very busy out in the “real” world which is a good thing. Work is going better, the boss actually made some significant changes that have been noticed by a lot of people. It’s all for the better. But there’s no pay raise for this year, which is a problem. I’m falling behind. I’m not in any more debt, but I just can’t get ahead.
I’ve met a lot of people, and developed a crush on one of them. He doesn’t know I exist but it’s been a strange set of circumstances for me. For one, it’s good to know that I’m still alive, but it’s sad to know that men aren’t really attracted to me. It’s just making me feel more isolated even though I’m less isolated. Kinda weird.
Anyway, I was just feeling a bit sad today and decided to write a post. Put it out there, help me think about it all. I noticed my hoarding tendencies started to raise their ugly head again, so I gotta get that in order. It’s not bad, I’m just more messy lately … but I know the signs and I don’t want to fall back into the world I was in a few years ago.
It is interesting though, how certain stressors in my life can trigger that kind of behaviour again. It’s good I’m noticing it.
Maybe it’s just a good day to hibernate and feel sad. Then get back to life tomorrow.
Should I Review the Year?
Well, sometimes I think a review of where you’ve been can be helpful. When I look over 2010 I can honestly say it’s been a very positive year in comparison to 2007, 08, 09 … so that’s a good thing. But it was a year building on all I had done in those previous years. Rather than continuing to bury myself in my apartment and my life, I started making small changes a few years ago and each year I built on that.
I guess what I’m saying is that this year, more than any other, made me realize how powerful baby steps can be. With a baby step it can seem like you’re not moving at all, but when you add them up over years – poof! All of a sudden they add up and you’re quite far from where you started. So that’s what 2010 was for me. The year all those baby steps added up to something.
I have more steps to take. That can be daunting and perhaps because it’s January 1st it seems like a big challenge. But overall, given my progress, I’m hopeful. No going backwards for me.
I made my apartment livable – I have some boxes left and 1 room to de-clutter, but none of that is in my everyday living area and people can come in my place and never know about my once hoarding issue.
I got out more and got involved in my community. I volunteer at several places now and take part in committees and organizations – it feels good. I’ve met lots of people and for the most part have been happy with my decisions, although at times it can be a bit overwhelming. When that happens I stop and refresh – take some time for myself, and so far that’s been working. I find a few days on my own is re-energizing where as in the past I’d try to do that and end up removing myself from life for months at a time. Now with my responsibilities I can’t do that – a few days is all I have and really all I need. Any more than that can be detrimental.
I continue going to Weight Watchers and have lost quite a bit of weight. I have more to go but am very happy with the results so far. Plus I continue to exercise and that’s made a huge difference in how I’m able to move through the world. I have at least 100 lbs to lose, but that doesn’t scare me. Not even sure I want to lose that much but I want to try. And I want to keep moving – there’s such a sense of freedom in being able to move again. And, my doctor is happy with the results which is definitely good news.
I also continue to get my financial mess in order. Well, pretty much I’ve done all I can to clean up my past mess, now it’s just a case of keeping things from getting messy again. And so far, I’ve been able to do that. It’s tough, I’ve had to cut out a lot of things, but I’m managing and have a better attitude about the whole situation.
I have a better attitude at work as well, although this is still one I struggle with quite a bit. There’s more for me to do in this area but to be fair, there’s only so much I can do. It’s more about accepting a difficult situation and dealing with it the best I can. So yeah … that will continue to give me things to blog about, lol. I guess that’s the up-side?!
Overall 2010 was good. As I said it was the year all the baby-steps paid-off … and that’s motivating me to take more baby-steps. They’re slow, difficult at times, but I now see that they do add up and can get you to a place you thought you’d never be.
Happy New Year
